WHY do I do this?

My New Year’s Resolution this was to complete a series of 5K’s called the Reno 5000 along with a few others that I really wanted to be part of because of the community spirit involved. It is a total of eight 5K races. A 5k is only 3.1 miles. Some may say “that’s not too far”. But one thing about the Reno 5000, the courses are a little harder than the community races.


Last Saturday was no exception. After climbing the final hill in the last mile of the race, I literally wanted to die. I had to talk myself through that last hill and I am certain the other runners thought I was crazy. At 9am, the sun was already beating down, there was no breeze, no trees or shade, and the course was a very rough dirt road. I was off-road running! Halfway through the race, I found myself thinking “I don’t care about my time, I just want to live thru this!”

This particular race was a mental challenge for me. Race #1 was my first 5K of the year. I was not completely healthy and was not completely in shape. My goal for these 5k’s are simply – finish and don’t walk. Of course the competitor in me wants to see my time improve over my past races. I don’t really care where I place, as long as it isn’t last. Race #1 is the worst I have every done in these races. My time was the slowest it has ever been since I started running in 5k’s and worst of all, I WALKED. Yes, I gave into my urge to give up and walk, just for a few feet. I couldn’t believe it as I walked the course and everyone passed by me. I was so humiliated I wanted to just keep walking all the way to my car and drive myself home in shame. After about 1/8 of a mile and a lot of self-talk to convince myself that I really can do this, I started running again. Part of the mental struggle I ended up having, was seeing all of the other encouraging family members along the course. I was dumb enough to tell my family that they did not need to come and watch, I thought I would be fine on my own. Turns out that I was sad and lonely being there by myself. I had nothing to drive me when I lost my own will. I have since told my family that they need to be there. Something happens to me when I know that my family is there. It is this sense of accountability. And as I run to that finish line, they are there on the side cheering me on. There is nothing better than seeing them there as I run across the finish line.

Race #2 was my chance for redemption. I had run in that particular park before so I figured “no sweat, I got this.” I trained hard the week before, carb-loaded, and warmed up with a mile run that morning. Troy and Shane were planning to be there so I had my support system. I stood at the starting line and looked at the start of the course and I thought “I got this, it’s only 3.1 miles!”. When I hit mile 1, I still felt confident in how well I was running. Then I hit mile 2. The uphils and downhills were long and steep. The path was about a foot wide. There were rocks and holes in the dirt everywhere. One wrong step would be bad. At one point I was running downhill along a steep cliff. As I came to mile 3, I saw it…..the hill. From the bottom of the hill looking up, I swear it never ended. It’s like that bad dream where you are running and you think you are almost at the end, but you really don’t seem to be getting any closer. All I had to do was get to the top and I was home free. Every step got me closer, but it got harder. I had to start convincing myself to take each step, and I was almost there. It seems like years, but I got to the top. And when I did, I wanted to lie down and die. But, I saw that last stretch and started running faster. Something about seeing how close I am to finishing motivates me to run really fast. Not because I want to beat someone out, or improve my time. I just want to be DONE.

Finishing that race reminded me why I do these races to begin with, because before each one I ask myself “WHY do I do this??”. It’s really pretty simple, these races challenge me. Life keeps me so busy sometimes that I forget to find things that challenge me as a person. I don’t always remember to take care of ME. Personal development is so important and I think as any mom, I forget too often to take care of ME too. When I started running in these 5k’s, I had something that challenged my mind and body. It gives me a sense of accomplishment and confidence. I worry so much about my kids’ self-esteem and growth; sometimes I forget that I need to build my own self-esteem as well. These races remind me how good it feels to overcome a challenge and empowers me to overcome other challenges I have in my life in every aspect.

I may never win any of these races, but for me, I don’t need to. It is enough for me to get out there and accomplish something for me. It’s the only time that my life is all about me. It is a sacred selfishness that I need to and will continue to include in my life.

2 or 3 more races to go in order to reach my goal this year…. Oh and a sprint triathlon. :)

Why I Need My Mom

As part of mother’s day, I am trying to appreciate all of the things about motherhood that make it so wonderful. But instead, my thoughts take me to the reasons why I appreciate my mom and how much I learned from her about motherhood. I am so lucky, so fortunate to have been raised by the most giving, unselfish person I have ever known. I am in awe of her strength and her faith. She taught me to be a mother. She taught me about hard work and about what it truly means to give without expecting anything in return. I love her very much and even as a grown woman I realize quite often that…….

I still need my mom.

Granted, I don’t call as often as I should. And I don’t always remember to do the right things or call for every event. But, my mom taught me all of the most important things that I need every day to be a mother. And because of that, I draw upon all of the things I learned from her every day. I think about her, EVERY DAY. I am grateful for her EVERY DAY. (Mom, if you are reading this, I am sure there is an annoying mother’s day primary song I could insert here.)

I am so stubborn and strong-willed, my mom would probably be surprised and thrilled to hear me actually admit that I learned something from her. You can’t teach me anything. I have to figure life out on my own. My mom knows this about me – probably better than anyone. She knows that she has to sit back and watch me go through all of my bumps and bruises alone until I ask for help. And as much as it pains her, she respects that about me. I have learned that trait from her as my boys are just as stubborn and strong-willed. Each have to learn everything the hard way and on their own, but she taught me how to stand back and wait until they ask for the help they need. She made it look so easy when I now understand just how hard it really is.

My mom has taught me how to be a good listener. She has taught me that it is just as important to sit and listen, offer up advice now and again, empathize, and even sometimes just tell the honest truth if the situation calls for it. This is something I have been able to use in my career as well as with my children. My relationships are stronger because of her example.

Life is full of struggles. But with each one, my mom would brush them off and forge ahead. Nothing stopped her. There were some moments that I witnessed life’s challenges, sacrifices she had to make, tears shed, and with each one she pushed forward. She accepted the challenge and did what she could to overcome it. My life has not been full of so many of its own challenges. But my memories of watching her handle hers have taught me some of the most valuable lessons I will ever learn. Since life is so full of challenges and struggles, so many unanswered questions, it is necessary to get thru them and move forward. She always came out them positive, stronger, and even more determined. I think of it now and am amazed at her strength.

My mom taught me how to cook. Apparently it isn’t easy for everyone, but she made it seem effortless. Over time, my dad taught me quite a few things as well so I have to give him a bit of credit here too, but at a young age, I was making grilled cheese sandwiches for the family. My mom assigned a night for me to cook for the family. She taught me how to bake, build a menu, shop for dinners, plan, and organize for a week of cooking for a family. With balancing work and family, this has been a valuable tool. Because of her, this is effortless for me. And I enjoy it. I’d say she taught me very well.

I am faced daily with the challenge of juggling work and home. Without my mom, I never would have known how to organize myself the way I needed to in order to get everything done. I never could have the skills and abilities I have in being able to juggle both without all she taught me about being a hardworking mother. I learned my organizational skills from my mom. She does such a great job at keeping her home organized.

So when I look in the mirror, I see that I have taken some of the best skills and traits from both my mom and my dad. And even though I may not call every day, or remember to do or say all the right things that a good daughter should, my mom needs to know that I think of her EVERY DAY.

Because EVERY DAY, I need her and all of the wonderful things she taught me. (Just for you mom - insert annoying primary mother’s day song here.)

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom. Thank you for being you and for being the best example of what a mother truly is. I am a very fortunate daughter. And I will ALWAYS need YOU most.

Why did I become a parent?

I have been thinking lately,   (yes, I know, you all are thinking "here we go….")

What exactly does it mean to raise a child?  Why do we have children?  Why does the majority of the population feel compelled to reproduce and bring offspring into this world? Does anyone really know why or what it means?

When I was going through infertility I cried every day because I longed to have a child. I wanted to be pregnant, give birth. I wanted to raise a baby to a toddler, then to a child, teenager, and young adult. I wanted this so badly it hurt. I went through three years of tests and treatments only to get nothing out of it. Until one day by surprise, bam! I was pregnant and now living the dreams that I longed to have fulfilled. Every now and again I remember why I wanted this so badly. But most days, I ask myself, “Why am I doing this again??”

In the past 6 years, I have learned a few things about being a parent.

1. I will never get a full 8 hours of sleep again

2. It is them against me and sometimes I feel like I am in a Braveheart movie

3. Today will not last for very long so somehow I have to remember to enjoy the little moments because they go by so fast. Before I know it, my little boy will not worship the ground I walk on anymore. (tears!)

But at the end of the day, I sometimes sit back and wonder why I wanted to be a mom so bad and what does it mean to be a parent and raise children?

I had a child so I could pass on the wisdom that I have learned in life. I treat my stepchildren as my own children because I feel that I accepted responsibility to be a parent to those children when I married my husband.  That is why I call myself a "parent" because no matter what your official "title" is when raising children, you are always a parent when you have children to raise.

Here are my thoughts which some may agree or disagree, but they are MY thoughts.  In raising those three precious children I feel they are my contribution to society. They are my posterity, a reflection of who I am. It is what I can give to this world to make it a better place. My vision is that one day they will grow to be responsible adults. Graduate from high school and college, get wonderful, stable jobs, raise families, make me a grandmother, be kind to others, love one another and be good friends. I try to teach them to be respectful, thoughtful, and kind to those they come in contact with. Every rule and discipline in my home serves a purpose to teach them a value that I hope they will take with them in their life.

So what happens if they don’t? What happens if my children don’t take the values I have taught them into their adult lives and pass them on? What if they get older and realize that all I have taught them is not how they want to live? What if they do not become all that I hope they will become?

Those are a lot of “what if’s” that I have no control over. Because no matter what I teach them, there is a very important part of parenting that I must realize. Children come in contact with so many different people and environments that will impact them. I am not the only influence they have in their young lives. There are other people, television, movies, books, school teachers, church (for some), and so many other factors. All of these things play a part in what shapes our children as they grow.

So even though I may be teaching my own values to my children, there are so many more influences that I have no control over. Does that mean I should keep shelter them from these influences? I don’t think so and it isn’t possible. I fight for their childhood and innocence for as long as possible, which only means that I monitor the media that they are involved with to make sure it is age appropriate and not exposing them to adult issues that they should be protected from. However, I want them to experience all of the wonderful things that life has to offer. In fact, I think it would be more damaging to shelter them from the influences of the world because what will they do when they get older and have to handle the world on their own, without me to shelter them?

The more I think about it the more I realize that maybe it isn’t my job as a parent to create a person that replicates all of the things I believe in. Maybe it is my job to guide them through their own lives. Teach them how to handle all of the many, wonderful challenges that will teach them about who they are and what makes them happy. They are a combination of different genetics. Their personalities are different than mine. They have different thoughts and reactions to their environments than I do. I cannot possibly control the outcome of how they will turn out as adults just because I spend my parenting years teaching them all of the things I hold to be true. I cannot expect them to become exactly what I want them to be just because it is what I think is best for them. Maybe the best thing I can do as a parent is create a place of acceptance and love. Maybe it is better that I teach them that they can trust that I will love them no matter what choices they make in life or what paths they choose for themselves. Maybe it is more important that I give them a place free of judgment where they feel safe enough to discuss some of the most difficult things that people struggle with in life. Of course they need my guidance, rules, and discipline as they grow because that is the real world. But, maybe what I envisioned parenting to be is different than what it truly is.

As I continue to ramble through my thoughts, I can’t help but go take a step further, I think the important questions to ask is, “do I want them to be happy?” and “am I prepared to support them in whatever life they choose will bring them the happiness they seek?”

Most fearfully, I wonder, “Will I feel like a failure if my children do not become exactly as I envision they will become?”

But I remind myself, I love my children. Ultimately, I want to teach them how to love and be loved. I want them to be able to trust people and not fear the world. I want them to feel comfortable in taking risks, asking difficult questions of themselves and others. I want them to feel free to make decisions that may have positive or negative consequences without fear that they will not be loved by those closest to them. Most importantly, I do want them to be happy. I want them to experience joy in its truest sense. But this means that they will need to feel disappointment and hurt in order to really understand joy. This is the hardest part of parenting because I do not like to see my children hurt, but I do know it is part of learning.  And if these are the things I am able to teach them, I don't think I will have failed as a parent.

I don’t know that I really answered my own questions, created more questions, or just typed up a rambling of my thoughts that really came to no conclusion. If anything comes of this blog, it is that I have learned one more thing about being a parent:

4. I will learn more from raising my children then they will probably ever learn from me.

That is probably MY truest reason for becoming a parent.