The Guilt of a traveling mother

A couple weeks ago, I had a business trip in Washington D.C. A few days after I returned, I found this picture in my purse:

I immediately looked at this, saw the airplane, and the child with the giant arms appears to be crying. The guilt started to roll in. I thought that Shane had put this picture in my purse to tell me that he was so sad when I went on my trip and just wanted me to come home and give him a big hug.

When I had a chance to ask him what it was a picture of, he told me that it was a picture of him and his friend, Darby. They are on the playground at school, which is why he drew the clouds to show that they were outside. While they were on the playground, an airplane flew over and they both saw it.

Needless to say, I felt pretty silly and started to laugh. I had completely over analyzed a simple picture. Turns out, my son is doing just fine when I go on my business trips. I just need to figure out a way to deal with my guilt apparantly.

Closing a door...

Well, this week has been very crazy and emotionally wearing on me. Last week, I was "late" and so I started to think that I might be pregnant. Many people don't know this, but Troy and I decided last February that we would like to open up the possibility of having a baby together. We have the "his" and "hers", but we wanted an "ours". So, we decided to give it a try to see what would happen. We took the attitude of "if it's meant to be, it will be" and sat back to see if it would "be". Here we are, 18 months later, still nothing to show for it. So, I have started to prepare myself for the worst; that my child bearing days were just that - "days" and not "years". Last week when I thought I might be pregnant, I was so afraid to hope that it could be true. I have the odds against me. Years ago, when I went through infertility, I would have that hope, month after month, for 3 years that it was the month that I would see that little pink line. Every month, I was terribly disappointed. I think I have a better chance at winning the lottery than actually getting pregnant. This week, I relived that experience and it was heartbreaking for me. For some reason, this month was worse than the last 18 months. Deep down I knew that if it didn't happen this time, that I was done. So, when it turned out that I wasn't pregnant after all, I was crushed. When the little pink line didn't appear (again), I was crushed. I had to hold myself together enough to get through work and home and family. In the back of my mind, I knew it was over. I just needed to find the words to express to Troy how I felt. By Tuesday, I said it, I told him that I was done. It hurts too much, and honestly, we have a good life, we will be debt-free in about 3 years and having a baby would just be so hard on us. Troy agreed and it was done. I am still scratching my head and wondering how on earth I got pregnant with Shane. He is my miracle and it is even more apparant now that he was meant to be. Knowing now that he is the only baby I will have, that he is the only child I will have raised from birth to adulthood, makes me wish I had appreciated those moments more. I am grateful that I get to be part of Tyler and Bailey's lives. That truly is a blessing for me. But the bond between a mother and child is very different than the bond between a stepmother and children. It is very difficult to explain. As much as I love them, they have a bond with their own mother that cannot be replaced. So, I will always be Shane's mom and I am okay with that. It will always hurt that I was never able to have more, but maybe one day I will get to enjoy grandchildren. For now, I know I can be happy with what I have and I am grateful to have a husband who can support me this time I am dealing with this. He was wonderful and tried to be understanding. I am sure he isn't aware of how much I appreciate how he handled the situation. I also appreciate that he let me try to have another child. I know that I had to at least try to have one more. I couldn't go through life thinking that I could have had one more, if I had tried. Now I know. I am so thankful that God gave me Shane so I could experience all of the joys of motherhood with a child of my own.

Shane

Shane started a new school this week. And yes, I now feel comfortable calling this place he is in now a "school". Up until now, I think he was just with overpaid babysitters. Calling them daycares is even a stretch considering the word "care" should not even be part of the word "daycare" in the places we have been.

Shane has been in many different daycare facilities and it really is my fault. I just didn't know what I was doing when it came to picking daycares. The big problem I seemed to be having is that he would continually have behavior problems and I couldn't figure out what was going on. The centers would involve me only when need be and never could communicate very well in terms of what I needed to do to reinforce at home. I even had one place refuse to let me know what was going on with him during the day unless they couldn't keep him under control. Troy and I did everything we could, and it seemed like it was never enough. Shane was unhappy everywhere we placed him and as a result, he has continued to progress into this path of behavioral problems that have continually become worse. Our last straw with his very last location when a few weeks ago, he came home day after day with problems and when I asked him why he couldn't follow the rules he said, "because if I am good, I won't get to go to a new school." My five-year-old was sabotoging himself to get booted from this daycare! Somewhere along the line we had told him that if he didn't follow the rules, he wouldn't be allowed to go back. He took that as a suggestion rather than a threat. It scares me at how smart he is sometimes. Troy and I realized that if we didn't get him out of that school, things would become progressively worse and would eventually transfer over into kindergarten, 1st grade, and so on.

2 days after that conversation, I found a new school. I enlisted a lot of help and really did my homework on this school. I brought Troy and Shane for a tour after I took a tour. All three of us made the decision together and I think that made a big difference for Shane. He started at his new school on Monday and I nervously left him behind, hoping for the best, but fearing the worst. Troy and I are doing the best we can, but it is really scary when you go from place to place, leaving your children in the care of strangers, hoping that they aren't permanently damaged. This is the part of being a working mother that I really don't like and I envy stay-at-home mothers who raise their own children rather than turn it over to complete strangers who claim to be experts in child-rearing.Well, as Monday progressed, I couldn't stop thinking about Shane and how he may be doing. I wanted to call, but I couldn't for fear that I wouldn't hear good news. Troy took the reigns and made the call to see how he was doing and my fears came true - Shane was having a BAD day. One of the worst he has had. I was terrified at how the director of the preschool would react and I was terrified that I had made another mistake in choosing a preschool. The good news is that the director had said that all of his behavior issues are fixable and she wanted to meet with Troy and I about her plan for helping him - this was the first time anyone has reached out to us in a positive way, included us in his discipline at school, and I actually looked forward to hearing what she had to say.

When we met with the director, Susan, she talked with us about his behavior and we also explained to her, again, the problems we have had with other daycare facilities communicating with us about his behavior problems. I also told her that he had gotten away with this behavior because we could not reinforce their rules at home. Susan was wonderful and came up with a plan for him within minutes. We started working with him that day, AS A TEAM! I was thrilled when I picked him up the next day and he had a relatively good day, and then the following 2 days, he had no problems at all! Susan was very clear with us about how to reinforce everything at home, at what point we would need to discipline at home, and Shane has really learned how easy it is to make good choices at his new school. He now knows that he can make good choices!The best part is that this school has a certified, all-day Kindergarten program that he will transition to this summer so we don't have to move him. I am still very nervous about whether or not he will keep up this newfound confidence in his ability to follow the rules and make good choices - but I have so much more hope and confidence in this new school and their ability to help us and him. For the first time in a few years, I went to work today and didn't worry about what would happen when I picked him up that afternoon. I think we have found our angels and Shane has never been so happy when I see him at the end of the day. He feels so good about what he is doing and I am so grateful for our new friends.