Miracle baby

During this very difficult week, Shane came to me with some very interesting questions and conversations. I am so amazed at how smart he is sometimes. He has such a wonderful, curious mind. And so often I underestimate his ability to grasp some more mature concepts.

Shane - "Mom, am I your only child"

Me - "Yes, you are my only child"

Shane - "Mom, are you going to have another one?"

Me - "No Shane, you will always be my only child."

Shane - "Well, I want a baby sister."

Me - "I'm sorry sweetheart, I won't be able to give you a baby sister."

Shane - "Yes you can."

Me - "no, I really can't. It's hard to explain, but I am not able to have any more babies."

Shane - "Well, Tyler and Bailey's mom had more than one baby. She had Tyler, then a few years later, she had Bailey. If she can have two babies, then you can have two babies. I know it."

Me - "Shane, I know you want a baby sister but it just can't happen for me."

Shane - "Well, Bailey was born a lot of years after Tyler. You just need to wait a few more years and then you can have a baby sister for me. That's how it works."

Me - I stood there with my mouth open, not sure what to say and he walked away with that statement as if that was the decision and the end of discussion.

I had my surgery. The tubal ligation is done and I will not be able to give Shane a baby sister unfortunately. This conversation with Shane happened on Saturday. I knew that after that I was going to have to talk with him about what had happened.

When I returned home from my surgery yesterday, he was so sweet. He didn't leave my side. He would help me stand from the couch, walk to the bathroom, he put lotion on my dried out feet, and most importantly he gave me lots of hugs and loves. As he sat on my bed with me I explained to him what had happened in my surgery.

Me- "Shane, I need to tell you about my surgery today. I know you want a baby sister, but the surgery I had to today made it so I can't have anymore babies."

Shane (as his eyes welled up with big, crocodile tears) - "why?"

Me - "because mommy can't have babies as easily other mommies can. I just want to enjoy being your mommy."

Shane - "you can't have babies easy?"

Me - "no I can't. I'm sorry. I know you wanted a baby sister, but you will always be my only baby."

Shane - "But I am going to be all alone. After you die, I will be all alone!"

Me - "no, you will never be alone. You will have your own wife and your own babies one day. And you have Tyler and Bailey and your papa dad."

Shane - "but my papa dad will die before you!"

Me - "Shane, you will have your own babies one day - maybe even your own baby girl. You will not be alone. I promise"

Shane (trying to hold it together, but the tears were slowly falling down his cheeks) - "okay"

And he gave me a hug, held on tight, and said "I love you"

I know these things are hard for children his age to understand, but it seems my son has the ability to process some concepts that are beyond his years. He is so concerned about when I die and being alone. I'm not even certain why this is a concern for him, but it is. Even though this seems to be a bit too adult of a conversation for him, I felt it was important to tell him the truth. I don't want him going through the next few years thinking that a baby sister would be coming soon. It wouldn't be fair to him. The rest of the evening, he didn't leave my side. He is such a sweet boy. And he was such a gentleman, taking such good care of his mommy. It's those moments I feel like I must be doing something right with him. Our conversation did not end with that one however. After he had some time to think about it, he asked me again this morning before he left for school.

Shane - "Mom, if you can have babies easily like other moms, how did you have me?"

Me (thinking - Not ready for the sex talk with my six-year-old! what now?!?!) - "I don't know. You were a miracle baby. That's why you are so special."

Shane (sitting and thinking for a minute, deciding if he will accept that explanation, finally let me of the hook and said) - "I'm a miracle baby? What is that?"

Me - "I didn't think I was going to have any babies. And then, I had you. I was surprised when I had you. That's why you are my miracle."

And with that he gave me a big hug, seemingly satisfied with the answers he received. I am certain he will have more questions. For whatever reason I was blessed to have him as my only son. He truly is my miracle.

Closing the door... Permanently

Last year I entered a blog about my decision to let go of the possibility of having more children, accepting that it just wasn't going to happen for me again. Well, of course that was a solid decision but certainly not permanent.

I have been having some health issues over the past 2 years. Health issues that resurfaced from the last time I faced infertility. I pretty much realized that they were all related which was why I made the decision not to have any more children. I hoped that maybe by making that decision everything would go back to normal.

Nothing is back to normal and in fact, the problems have just become worse. It is to the point now where I experience pain and/or discomfort on some level on a daily basis. I came to the realization that it was possible that one of the causes for my infertility had returned and decided to see the ob/gyn. We Discussed my history and my options, and scheduled tests.

She also asked me if I planned on having anymore children. I told her I wasn't sure. She told me that I had to make a decision because that would determine my course of treatment. That night, as Troy and I talked about it, the answer was so obvious. The reasons why we shouldn't far outweighed my reasons to. Economically and financially, it just doesn't make sense to start all over again with a new baby. Emotionally, I just didn't feel like I had enjoyed Shane enough when he was a baby. All of my parental regrets came to the surface and my heart told me that if I had another baby, it would be a second chance for me. But again, emotionally, there is never a gauruntee that another baby was even phyically possible. So, for once I bypassed my heart and listened to my head. Reason took over and I finally said outloud that I did not think it was a good idea for us to try to have anymore children. I then told Troy that I wanted to include a tubal ligation in my surgery in order to permenantly close any opportunities and remove all hope from ever having another. I decided it is time for me to move on with my life and accept that the family I have now is the family I was meant to have. I was heartbroken. I cried - which apparently is very confusing for men to understand. His question was that if I feel like I made the right decision, why was I crying? I just explained that I was sad. Sometimes, the right decision isn't always easy. This is the hardest decision I have ever made.

I had an ultrasound and labs in the past few days. Today the doctor called and confirmed that my endometriosis had more than likely returned. I have a cyst on one of my ovaries, that is not filled with fluid, but is more than likely the result of the endometriosis. She felt surgery was the way to go and at that point I told her that I also wanted to have my tubes tied while she was taking care of the endometriosis. Seems appropriate to just kill two birds with one stone. She asked if I was sure, that this was permanent. I told her I was certain.

When I hung up, I began to cry again. I just spent some time with my sisters and their families. They each have little girls that look exactly like them. My stepdaughter, as wonderful as she is and as fortunate as I am to have her in my life, has a mother of her own. Her and I have our own special relationship, but there is something about a mother and a daughter that is also special. Watching my sisters with their little girls made me realize that I will never have that. I called Troy after I spoke to the doctor and could only sit on the phone and cry. Again, it was hard for him to understand. I still told him it is the right decision but I am sad. He said the best thing he could, "I'm here for whatever you need, I won't try to fix it, but I am here." It was probably the best response anyone could have given me. I was able to pull myself together and get through the rest of my day.

I'm sure every parent goes through this once they decide they are done having children. But, this is a bit different. And like I said, I am sad, but at the same time a weight is lifted off of me knowing that I won't have to continue to wonder every month if this is the month, if maybe by some miracle I would get pregnant again. I am so grateful for the one chance I did have to experience pregnancy, childbirth, and having a baby of my own. I wouldn't trade it for anything. He is my miracle. I know there are so many other women out there that don't even get to experience what I have and my heart truly goes out to them. I wish I could help them.

Now, I will look forward to enjoying better health once my surgery is complete. I have many other things to look forward to and I am glad I will finally have this closure so I can move on with my life and enjoy every precious minute I have with my family.

Closing a door...

Well, this week has been very crazy and emotionally wearing on me. Last week, I was "late" and so I started to think that I might be pregnant. Many people don't know this, but Troy and I decided last February that we would like to open up the possibility of having a baby together. We have the "his" and "hers", but we wanted an "ours". So, we decided to give it a try to see what would happen. We took the attitude of "if it's meant to be, it will be" and sat back to see if it would "be". Here we are, 18 months later, still nothing to show for it. So, I have started to prepare myself for the worst; that my child bearing days were just that - "days" and not "years". Last week when I thought I might be pregnant, I was so afraid to hope that it could be true. I have the odds against me. Years ago, when I went through infertility, I would have that hope, month after month, for 3 years that it was the month that I would see that little pink line. Every month, I was terribly disappointed. I think I have a better chance at winning the lottery than actually getting pregnant. This week, I relived that experience and it was heartbreaking for me. For some reason, this month was worse than the last 18 months. Deep down I knew that if it didn't happen this time, that I was done. So, when it turned out that I wasn't pregnant after all, I was crushed. When the little pink line didn't appear (again), I was crushed. I had to hold myself together enough to get through work and home and family. In the back of my mind, I knew it was over. I just needed to find the words to express to Troy how I felt. By Tuesday, I said it, I told him that I was done. It hurts too much, and honestly, we have a good life, we will be debt-free in about 3 years and having a baby would just be so hard on us. Troy agreed and it was done. I am still scratching my head and wondering how on earth I got pregnant with Shane. He is my miracle and it is even more apparant now that he was meant to be. Knowing now that he is the only baby I will have, that he is the only child I will have raised from birth to adulthood, makes me wish I had appreciated those moments more. I am grateful that I get to be part of Tyler and Bailey's lives. That truly is a blessing for me. But the bond between a mother and child is very different than the bond between a stepmother and children. It is very difficult to explain. As much as I love them, they have a bond with their own mother that cannot be replaced. So, I will always be Shane's mom and I am okay with that. It will always hurt that I was never able to have more, but maybe one day I will get to enjoy grandchildren. For now, I know I can be happy with what I have and I am grateful to have a husband who can support me this time I am dealing with this. He was wonderful and tried to be understanding. I am sure he isn't aware of how much I appreciate how he handled the situation. I also appreciate that he let me try to have another child. I know that I had to at least try to have one more. I couldn't go through life thinking that I could have had one more, if I had tried. Now I know. I am so thankful that God gave me Shane so I could experience all of the joys of motherhood with a child of my own.

My Mother's Day Dream Come True

Once upon a time, I believed that I would never have children. Not by choice - but for reasons that are still a mystery to me. I do believe that whatever those reasons are, they are good ones, because I wouldn't have the children or the life I have now.

I still remember walking into church the first Mother's Day I was experiencing infertility. I sat through the most painful hour as I listened to children sing Mother's Day songs, speakers share their thoughts and feelings about their mothers, and then at the end to have the Mother's Day flowers handed out to all the women in the ward. I felt ashamed that I was given a flower and I felt like it was a spotlight on my failure to become pregnant, almost like a "pity" flower. Year after year, I continued to watch my friends and sisters become mother's and earn their flowers as I continued to get my "pity" flower. My heart broke every morning I woke up and was reminded that I was not a mother and I just couldn't understand why that precious gift was being withheld at that time - I wanted it so badly and I was ready for it.

This Mother's Day, I understand a little better. It has been many years that I have been part of Tyler and Bailey's life and it has been 5 years since I have been Shane's mother, so I have had a few Mother's Days now, but this Mother's Day was different than any of the others.

Shane finally understands what Mother's Day is and he was so excited to give me his gift that he made at school. He couldn't wait until Sunday to give me his gift so I had to open it on Friday after school. Every other year, he would make me gifts at school but didn't understand that it was supposed to go to me so he would get upset if I wanted to keep them. It was funny then, but not the way I had seen that scenario go in my mind. This year, his reaction to Mother's Day was exactly what I had dreamed of in all those years I thought it would never happen. He gave me the perfect gift.

I understand that with stepmotherhood, you aren't typically the first "mother" on the list as far as the Mother's Day school projects go. I treat my stepchildren as my own children and I am not afraid to be their mother, just as if I gave birth to them. But, as much as they love me, I know that I am not their mother and they have a mother. I respect that bond and I never expect to replace her in their lives. I just hope to have my own relationship with them and be a parent to them the best way I know how.

Bailey has never given me a Mother's Day project from school. She has always forgotton until the day of Mother's day and then she would try to scramble at the last minute to give me a gift. It always made me laugh a little and of course she meant well. This year, she took the initiative to talk with her teacher about making two Mother's Day gifts. She was so excited about it, she just could not wait until Mother's Day for me to open my gift, so I opened hers on Friday as well. She gave me a wonderful letter and an exfoliation kit for my hands. That night, she offered to use the kit and gave me a nice hand exfoliation and massage. She gave me the perfect gift.

Tyler comes up with creative things every year, but this year was one that I will always cherish. Tyler is growing up so quickly. He is so smart and I truly enjoy having him around. I miss him when he is at his mother's and as much as he can drive me crazy at times, it is much too quiet when he is gone. It is so much fun to teach him about life, to watch him learn and grow, laugh at him when he thinks he knows it all (which is most of the time), and he is wise beyond his years. However, being a 14 year old boy, I don't really expect too much effort from him when it comes to sentiment. But he really surprised me this year. He spent a few hours putting together a slide show and when I saw what he had done, it was the answer to all of those questions as to why I was not able to have children so many years ago. If I had followed my own plan, I would not have the opportunity to share in the experience in raising Tyler and Bailey. I would not have my Shane. I would have missed so many wonderful memories in being a part of the family I have now. I feel very fortunate to have been given the chance to be Tyler, Bailey, and Shane's mother. I know it has changed me and I only hope that I can make a difference in their lives so one day they can have a positive influence on the world around them. He gave me the perfect gift.

As Mother's Day passed I realized as I looked back on the weekend with my children, that I have been given the perfect gift. I was given the gift of motherhood and I have finally earned my flower.