ADHD Awareness Week

Many of you, like me, probably had no idea there was even a week that brought awareness to ADHD. I don’t think anyone can really appreciate this unless you really live the experiences of having a child with ADHD or being an adult with ADHD.

For those who have read my blog, you know the struggles Shane and I have had over the years. He has had so many ups and downs. I wanted to share his story one more time in support of ADHD awareness week and for those who don’t believe that ADHD is a true condition that can really cripple a child’s ability to function in society alongside his or her peers. Until you have lived it, you really cannot possibly understand. I know that there are many disabilities out there; so many that create hardships that are much more challenging than ours. But NO ONE has the right NOT to take this disability just as seriously as others. If not treated properly, children with ADHD struggle their entire lives. They have the potential to become alcoholics, drug addicts, high school drop outs, criminals, suicidal, or just live life by “getting by” without ever really reaching their full potential. Society tends to turn their back on them because no one understands how to socialize with them or find ways to help them succeed because it can be exhausting. The hardest thing about these last few years is seeing how many people choose, time and again, to turn their back on my son because they just don’t understand or how many people have turned their back on me because they think it is my fault for not being more disciplined with him.

When Shane was 18 months old, he began to show signs of his ADHD. I did not know it until recently, but children with ADHD will typically start to develop those “symptoms”, on average, at about 2 years of age. Shane began a bit earlier than that. His babysitter at the time did not know what to do about his multiple tantrums that were so violent, she would have to just stand back and let him go for fear he may cause her harm. His father and I had divorced when he was just barely a year old, so we thought that he was just having a hard time with that. But as time went on, he continued to struggle with tantrums, separation anxiety, serious behavioral problems at his daycares, and outright defiance to any form of authority. By the time he was 7 years old, he had been through 7 daycares. Every daycare claimed to be able to help him, and every single one quit on him when things became too difficult. I had one daycare that used to put him in a corner of the room by himself because they did not know “what to do with him”, there solution was to isolate him and ignore him during the course of the day. The director at his Private Kindergarten class and daycare told me that they just didn’t have the resources to meet his needs (the kindergarten class had ten children in it). He has thrown desks in classrooms, hit teachers, said inappropriate things, and his impulses are out of control. I developed positive programs with a few of these daycare programs, but their consistency usually fell apart after a few weeks and they would tell me they “can’t do the positive reinforcement any longer because it wasn’t fair to the other children”. Day after day, tear after tear, I looked at my boy, wondering where I had failed him as a mother. Wondering what I should have done differently in his early development to avoid all of these issues. I blamed myself for so many things and felt that “if only I had done XYZ different, maybe he wouldn’t be this way.” These first years of his life were the longest, hardest years I have ever experienced. I would get anxiety every time my phone rang, I felt helpless and out of control every day, and every time I would go to pick him up I would need to take a deep breath because I wouldn’t know what kind of report I would be getting.

Almost a year ago, a friend of mine who happens to be a behavioral specialist, suggested he may be ADHD. I said, “no way” because he had shown so many signs of reasons why he couldn’t be (turns out those signs, called “hyper-focus” is actually a symptom). She asked me if I had ever actually read about ADHD and what it actually is. I had to admit that I hadn’t. I was being ignorant and making a judgment call when I hadn’t even attempted to learn the facts. I went home that night and started researching. After a week of research, I had realized that I needed to start the process of having him evaluated.

The way society and the media talks, you would think that it is easy to get someone diagnosed with ADHD. I don’t think anyone really and truly appreciates how difficult it really is. Shane went through two different assessments, one with the school psychologist and one with a clinical psychologist. His teachers were so helpful with me through this, answering questions and giving information to the psychologists. The principal met with me on a few occasions to help me understand what I needed to do as a parent to get him in the correct programs. My son’s struggles continued to worsen. At one point my 7-yr-old sweet boy looked at me and told me he didn’t want to live anymore. When your baby says that to you, at such a young age, something snaps inside of you and I was determined to make these people listen to me and the needs of my baby boy. I was no longer only his mother, but I became his advocate as well. I was not about to let him suffer for one more day. After 5 months of evaluations and meetings, I finally got a diagnosis. I finally got someone to see what I saw and we made a decision to get him on ADHD medication. Deciding on medication truly is a big ‘ol science experiment. The psychiatrist told me that it could be ADHD or anxiety, the only way to know was to treat one or the other. So he asked me which one I thought we should treat. He told me the pros and cons of each side. After some thought and consideration of the risks, I decided to go with the ADHD medication. Instinctively, I felt that the anxiety was a result of the years of being punished and disciplined for constant behavior problems. Within weeks of this decision, I started to see a change. Months later as we started 2nd grade, it became clear that we went the right direction in treating the ADHD first. The psychiatrist felt that we had the right diagnosis and after some experimentation with the medication, it seems as though we have the right combination. Between changing his diet, increasing his Omega-3’s, the behavioral therapy, and the medication….I now get to sit back and watch my son enjoy life in every aspect.

Here are just a few comparisons from “Then” and “Now”:

THEN – 1st grade homework took on average, 1 hour to complete. Taking out the garbage from the kitchen to the outside trashcan would take 30 minutes if I didn’t follow him. When teachers would correct him on his schoolwork, he would throw a tantrum to the point the teacher had to remove him from the classroom. He would spend more time a football practice poking and messing with the kids around him, he would have to run all practice. I lost count of how many times his coach told him to “pay attention”. Children isolated him, teased him, bullied him because it was really fun for them to push his buttons and watch him explode. He was removed from general population recess because he was fighting every day. He was terrified to try new things or take risks because he was so tired of failing at everything.

NOW – He completes his homework on the 10-minute bus ride home. He not only takes out the trash, but he can vacuum the house, pick up after the dog, and make himself a snack in less than 30 minutes. He can even make himself scrambled eggs! He is now allowed to mentor and tutor the students in his class because he is so advanced in math. He is called a role model in class. Children want to play with him and be around him because he is encouraging and kind. He plays at recess with all of the children because he now can control his impulse and can think a little better about his consequences when he makes choices. He actually watches the football games on the sidelines. He has been allowed to learn new skills because he listens and is teachable. He has also helped his teammates by encouraging them to try. He is not afraid of risks. He tries new things and he doesn’t give up if it doesn’t work out.

One thing I have learned in all of this is that every child deserves to be given a chance, to have the adults around them give them everything they can to make their lives special and happy. Every child needs tolerance and patience from the adults in their lives, but children with ADHD need this more than anything. Shane has had a few people who have shown him love, acceptance, tolerance, and patience. A few that have never given up on him or turned their back on us. I thank them for this because it has made a difference for both of us.

My son never used to smile every day; the smile that tells a mother that he is happy, content, and feeling the joys of being a kid. I was terrified that I would never see this smile on my sons face. ADHD is a very challenging and difficult disability because it is difficult to diagnose and difficult for society to accept as a real disability. It is all too often just not taken seriously.

I now see that smile every day. We still have a very long road ahead of us, but I have hope that he will grow to his fullest potential and learn to live a life of love and fulfillment. He may struggle, but we now have the tools he needs to overcome his struggles. He has the support and the guidance that everyone needs to get through life.

As the week of ADHD Awareness comes to an end, I hope that folks will take this a little more seriously and learn more about what ADHD is as opposed to the myths and judgments that have been made about ADHD children and adults. I am hoping my son’s story will help others identify children like him and rather than dismiss the child as a “problem child”, maybe show that child a little more compassion, patience, and tolerance. Like my son, children and adults with ADHD need that acceptance and love. They deserve just as much as any other human being. They may not be the easiest people to live with, but they are some of the smartest, funniest, most lovable people you will ever meet… Just like my boy is.

"Life is a Highway" as the song says....

How much fun would life be if the paths we took was one straight road? No twists, no turns, nothing unexpected. Sometimes I think we all wish we could see straight ahead. There would be no questions about what is to come. There would be no surprises when something unexpected happened because you would be able to see it from a mile away if heading down a straight path. You could plan accordingly because you would know exactly what was coming from miles away. You could mentally prepare, have a plan of attack, develop strategies and have the right tools ready. How much easier would everything be if you could just SEE what was coming? Everything would sure be easier, but would it be any fun to know what’s coming? Maybe “FUN” isn’t the right word….


Unfortunately, life just isn’t that way.

Life is a mountainous road. Yes, a very windy, steep, curvy road. Sometimes there are ups and other times there are downs. Sometimes you come to a turn that requires you to slow down to a very safe speed so you don’t go over the edge.(yikes!) Some see these types of roads “fun”, but they are more often stressful and hard to maneuver through as opposed to “fun”….. At least for me.

When I traveled to Sedona this last summer with the family, there was a road that reminds me so much of my life. Realistically, it was about a 10 mile long road. It took about 45 minutes to travel that part of the highway because of its hair pin turns, steep climbs and dips, and all of the foliage that blocked our view from seeing the road ahead. If I went too fast, I felt like I was putting the family at risk. If I went too slowly, the cars around me would get so annoyed; they would tailgate me until I pulled over to let them pass. But each time we had to climb this road, or descend into the canyon on this road, the pressure I felt getting to and from our destination was stressful because I wanted to make sure I was making the right decisions with my driving to ensure everyone’s safety.

Certainly a car is much easier to maneuver on a steep road than life is. No matter how much I try to control the way I maneuver through life, it just doesn’t seem to get easier. When I was younger and less cautious, I would whip around those turns in life and go for it. Not really thinking about the impact. I wonder some days how I got through it all unscathed. Over time, I have significantly slowed down to a more cautious speed. I want to make the right decisions for myself and my family. I want to make sure that they are all safe. But sometimes, those turns are just too much and I can’t necessarily control all of the elements surrounding me. All I can control is my reaction, how I handle myself in certain situations. That in itself is not the easiest thing. I now have to remember that my decisions ultimately affect a little boy who is sitting in the backseat, trusting me to get him where he needs to go which makes me slow way down and think a little more cautiously about how I approach different situations.

My decisions have led me to even more unexpected twists and turns. Occasionally I have to stop and take a deep breath, but I hold onto the wheel and keep going. It is a very long road that could end at any moment. Life is definitely more interesting when you don’t know what is to come. But some days, I really wouldn’t mind if I could get a straight patch of road for awhile....

Safe in his mother's hands

I often think of this picture.  Look at him....he is so tiny, so vulnerable.  He is so new to life and he is looking to me to give him a safe place to grow up and learn about all the things life has to bring.

We have had our challenges, him and I.  But he loves me unconditionally.  It amazes me.  A child's love is the most precious thing I have ever had in my life.

My boy is so sweet.  I am so thankful for modern day medicine that we have been able to find the right combination of assistance so he may be the sweet, kind soul that he is.  He is genuinely a good person, despite my faults in raising him and despite his medical challenges.  His teacher told me that he his a "role model" in his class.  He is smart and helps the students around him.  I watch him during his football practice and games, he encourages and cheers on his teammates.  He rally's around the ones who are afraid or uncertain.  He celebrates others victories.  I watched him the other day at Walmart, in the game room, trying to get a stuffed animal out of a machine.  He has gotten pretty good at those machines.  He actually was able to get a stuffed spiderman pillow out of there.  There was a younger boy near him that was so excited for him and Shane turned to the boy, asked him if he wanted the pillow.  I was stunned.  I asked him why he gave his prize away and he said "because he wanted to have it".  It was so easy for him to be charitable.  We were talking the other day about how this year is going for him so far and I asked him if he is enjoying school and football.  He says "yes and it's all because of you, mom."  I was very surprised and asked "why do you say that?"  He said "Because you took me to all the doctors and you got me my medicine.  It's all because of you." 

I have longed to see this boy as happy as he is now.  He bounces home from school, excited about his day.  He smiles and laughs a lot more.  He accepts challenges and has so much more confidence.  Yesterday we went on a bike ride and rode down a very steep hill.  He was very confident (probably a little too much) and as he flew down that hill, I tried to instruct him and he lost his balance and fell.  It was a scary, hard fall.  He cried harder than I think I have ever seen him and he insisted he would be walking his bike the rest of the way home.  After he pulled himself together, I told him to get back on the bike and we were going to get down that hill.  He listened to my instructions and asked me not to leave his side.  Minutes later, we made it down that hill.  He rode his bike the rest of the way home.  I was so proud of my boy for getting back on that bike even though he was scared.

As I packed up my house this weekend, I pulled this picture off of the wall.  I question so many times if I am doing the right things.  Everything I do, I do for me and I do for him.  As hard as some of these decisions are, ultimately, I put him first.  This picture reminds me so many times when I question myself, that he is entrusting me to keep him safe, guide him through life.  And only God truly knows how hard I try.  Some days I think I fall harder than others, but I get back up and try again.  He gave me this sweet boy and oh, how lucky I am to have him.  Nothing else in this world will ever be as important to me as he is.  I know he trusts me and I hope that I do not fail him.

My tiny baby will be a big, gigantic boy before I know it.  His feet are already a size 5 at age 8.  I'm sure he will be taller than me by the time he is in 8th grade.  I am so excited to spend every day with him, watching him learn and grow through each day of struggles.  I have said before and I say again, I learn much more from him than he will probably ever learn from me.  I just hope that he feels safe in his mother's hands and I am able to provide him with that sense of security, acceptance, and love no matter what challenges we face.

How I am raising my son…with ADHD

My son was asked to leave his first daycare program at the age of 16 months. Six daycare programs and six years later, I have finally realized that those environments have only made our lives more difficult instead of helping. It has taken me this many years to realize and accept that my son is different and it is not just a phase he will grow out of.
Over the years I have heard advice on how to raise my son, discipline my son, and provide positive reinforcement that will help him change his behavior miraculously. I have had childcare providers with twenty or more years of experience telling me they have all the answers. I have been told by therapists that he is acting out as a result of his father moving away.
But, year after year as I watch him grow, I watch him continue to struggle. He struggles with things that come so easily for other children. He struggles with even simple tasks like getting ready for bed, taking out the garbage. Our other two children never have these issues and I have not been able to understand why he cannot function the way that other children can. I have researched different types of behavioral problems. I have purchased quite a few books on different theories about why he has had so many challenges and behavioral problems. I have found bits and pieces of answers to some of my questions, but nothing has helped to improve our situation. I have spent a lot of time trying to understand what I am doing wrong, how I have failed him, how to be a better mother to him, and I lay awake at nights worrying if he will be okay.
When someone suggested to me that I may consider that he has ADHD, I did not really believe it. My son is a smart boy. He does well in school. Even with his behavior issues, he scored high marks in Kindergarten and continues to exceed standards in 1st grade. I thought children with ADHD did poorly in school. With him, it is strictly behavioral, so I dismissed it. I did hold him back a year because of his behavior. I held him back because I thought that his behavior was just a maturity issues, given a year, he would improve. Once he started kindergarten, the behavioral issues continued although his scholastic abilities were outstanding. I decided to put him in a private school thinking the smaller classroom size and resources would be much better than with a public school. However, as with every program he has been in, I began receiving phone calls regarding his explosive tantrums, not listening and disrespecting teachers, hitting and kicking teachers, and mistreating other children. My son is big for his age, a year older than the other children, so when he is physical with other children it is very scary for everyone. Parents see him as a threat to their children. Teachers are unable to physically remove him from situations because of his size and strength. If he makes a bad choice and is reprimanded, he tends to have a full-blown anxiety attack which makes the situation worse. It often leaves adults shaking their head and assuming that his parents just give him whatever he wants so he is throwing a tantrum. I try to do everything I can to work with schools and the time I spent with his Kindergarten teacher was above and beyond, for both of us. However, the school eventually made the decision that Shane was too much a liability for them and they were concerned about losing business because they could not control his behavior and they asked us to leave. When first grade began, we went back to the public school system. As he has continued to struggle, I was again asked if I thought it was a possibility he had ADHD, again I dismissed it until a dear friend asked if I had actually researched ADHD and if I was afraid of it. I admitted I had not researched it (shame on me), but was open to any possibility if it will help my son. Rather than lecture me about what ADHD is and why she thought my son had it, she wisely advised me to research it before I made up my mind. That night, I found an article that should have been titled “Shane Hepner”. The article described my son and all of his tendencies perfectly. I immediately began the process for having him evaluated, which we are in the middle of now. The school has been a great resource for us, although the process is slow. But, I finally feel like we are in a place where we can get assistance we need to help him improve.
One of the biggest struggles I have had over the years is having a support group; parents of children like mine who have struggled to know how to handle a child when he is having an explosive tantrum. I struggle to find childcare providers and teachers who actually have the ability to work with a child like Shane. I have providers asking ME what to do when he gets in one of his “moods” and starts to lose control over his body and mind. They ask me like I’m supposed to know in all of my 7 years of parenting experience.
So much of this is trial and error. I realize that many parents use the “trial and error” method, but that is in the foundation of a simple parenting concept “A+B=C”. When you have a child has physical or mental limitations, this simple equation turns algebraic in seconds. You find yourself having to spend a little more time and patience to work the problem in order to get the correct answer. Now, if anyone has ever taken algebra or other more challenging math classes, you know that it can be very frustrating to solve a problem, especially when you don’t understand how to solve it and there are no steps to explain how to solve it. I remember as a child I would sit and try to do long division for long periods of time, in tears, because I just couldn’t figure it out. Now I am a bit of a numbers girl. I love math, have even taken math classes for fun. So, I am hoping that at some point, as I continue to go through the steps of each problem we encounter, I will begin to become more skilled with parenting my child.
In thinking about this whole process, I realized that if I have struggled there must be many others. So, if I share my experiences and what I have tried, maybe someone will benefit from my ideas, solutions, and even failures. So, I thought I would start sharing some of the stories that I have on a daily basis. What daily challenges Shane has and what I have done to work through it. Maybe someone will have better solutions for me, maybe someone will benefit from my solutions.
For the first time in years I remember what it feels like to hope. Hope that there are others out there who can give me new ideas. Hope that my son can grow up and be happy, successful and rebuild his young self-esteem. That hope takes me to the next step in this process where the hopelessness I felt for so many years defeated me daily. I have hope that I can be good mother to my son and actually meet his very special needs. I have hope that I will not fail him because I feel confident that I am fighting a real battle for him now, not just invisible demons.

Closing the door... Permanently

Last year I entered a blog about my decision to let go of the possibility of having more children, accepting that it just wasn't going to happen for me again. Well, of course that was a solid decision but certainly not permanent.

I have been having some health issues over the past 2 years. Health issues that resurfaced from the last time I faced infertility. I pretty much realized that they were all related which was why I made the decision not to have any more children. I hoped that maybe by making that decision everything would go back to normal.

Nothing is back to normal and in fact, the problems have just become worse. It is to the point now where I experience pain and/or discomfort on some level on a daily basis. I came to the realization that it was possible that one of the causes for my infertility had returned and decided to see the ob/gyn. We Discussed my history and my options, and scheduled tests.

She also asked me if I planned on having anymore children. I told her I wasn't sure. She told me that I had to make a decision because that would determine my course of treatment. That night, as Troy and I talked about it, the answer was so obvious. The reasons why we shouldn't far outweighed my reasons to. Economically and financially, it just doesn't make sense to start all over again with a new baby. Emotionally, I just didn't feel like I had enjoyed Shane enough when he was a baby. All of my parental regrets came to the surface and my heart told me that if I had another baby, it would be a second chance for me. But again, emotionally, there is never a gauruntee that another baby was even phyically possible. So, for once I bypassed my heart and listened to my head. Reason took over and I finally said outloud that I did not think it was a good idea for us to try to have anymore children. I then told Troy that I wanted to include a tubal ligation in my surgery in order to permenantly close any opportunities and remove all hope from ever having another. I decided it is time for me to move on with my life and accept that the family I have now is the family I was meant to have. I was heartbroken. I cried - which apparently is very confusing for men to understand. His question was that if I feel like I made the right decision, why was I crying? I just explained that I was sad. Sometimes, the right decision isn't always easy. This is the hardest decision I have ever made.

I had an ultrasound and labs in the past few days. Today the doctor called and confirmed that my endometriosis had more than likely returned. I have a cyst on one of my ovaries, that is not filled with fluid, but is more than likely the result of the endometriosis. She felt surgery was the way to go and at that point I told her that I also wanted to have my tubes tied while she was taking care of the endometriosis. Seems appropriate to just kill two birds with one stone. She asked if I was sure, that this was permanent. I told her I was certain.

When I hung up, I began to cry again. I just spent some time with my sisters and their families. They each have little girls that look exactly like them. My stepdaughter, as wonderful as she is and as fortunate as I am to have her in my life, has a mother of her own. Her and I have our own special relationship, but there is something about a mother and a daughter that is also special. Watching my sisters with their little girls made me realize that I will never have that. I called Troy after I spoke to the doctor and could only sit on the phone and cry. Again, it was hard for him to understand. I still told him it is the right decision but I am sad. He said the best thing he could, "I'm here for whatever you need, I won't try to fix it, but I am here." It was probably the best response anyone could have given me. I was able to pull myself together and get through the rest of my day.

I'm sure every parent goes through this once they decide they are done having children. But, this is a bit different. And like I said, I am sad, but at the same time a weight is lifted off of me knowing that I won't have to continue to wonder every month if this is the month, if maybe by some miracle I would get pregnant again. I am so grateful for the one chance I did have to experience pregnancy, childbirth, and having a baby of my own. I wouldn't trade it for anything. He is my miracle. I know there are so many other women out there that don't even get to experience what I have and my heart truly goes out to them. I wish I could help them.

Now, I will look forward to enjoying better health once my surgery is complete. I have many other things to look forward to and I am glad I will finally have this closure so I can move on with my life and enjoy every precious minute I have with my family.

New Driver and New Parent

With every milestone of my oldest child, I am reminded that I am a New Parent.

Tyler got his learner's permit not long ago.

My first thought was, "I have never taught anyone to drive! How am I supposed to teach him to drive?!?!"

Every time we get in the car, I'm not sure who is more scared - Tyler or me. (As long as we don't count Shane and Bailey in the backseat)

The first time he got in the car and looked to me for direction, I went blank. All of a sudden, all of these little things that you have to do every time you get in a car started overwhelming me. Check mirrors, adjust seats, look over your shoulder, turning the car, watching out for pedestrians, watching out for other cars, and of course - always wearing a seatbelt. Okay, so maybe they are all not so little.

I had him drive around in circles in the parking lot of a playground where there was no one for miles, then we ventured out into the neighborhood where for 30 minutes, we drove in circles. I started to gain some confidence as I'm sure he did as well.

The next week, Troy decided to take him out. I instructed him only to stay in the neighborhood because I didn't think Tyler was ready to venture out. I'm sure it was because I wasn't ready. When they arrived home, I took Tyler out to go to the store with me. On the way there, we practiced changing lanes - again, another skill that seems to me much more difficult than I realized. I told him to get into the right hand lane, but first he needed to speed up to get past the bus. Before I could finish my sentence, he was changing lanes INTO the bus. Luckily the bus started honking and I was able to grab the wheel and get us out of the way.

The following week, he started to drive us home every day. I think he is now up to hitting four or five curbs...I've lost count.

That next weekend, we went out to drive again. This time, as we came up onto a stoplight, a firetruck was turning right. It was one of those GIANT firetrucks that needs two drivers. As they turned right, the back end of their firetruck clipped the front right fender and bumper of the car. And then - the firetruck continued to drive away. Tyler and I both had the same thought at the same time, "Was that Tyler's fault???" I instinctively started to snap at Tyler and then realized, as the truck continued to drive away that this was a good learning lesson in defensive driving and also - Was I supposed to report a fire truck for a hit and run???

Again, I'm not sure who was more freaked out - Tyler or me. We were able to pull into a parking lot and assess the damages. We talked about the accident and then went through the process of tracking down the fire truck and filing a police report. It turned out to be a great learning lesson for him - but one neither of us would want to go through again.

Luckily, there are professional driving schools that he will be able to go through so it does not fall entirely on our shoulders, but I still feel inadequate as a parent. Anytime your first child reaches a milestone such as this, we never quite know what to do. I like to reach for the handbook, oh wait - There isn't one! I like to think I can remember back to when I learned how to drive - but it was way to long ago and it pains me to admit that.

It is also these moments that I appreciate Tyler's patience with me as a new parent. With your first child, you are ALWAYS a new parent. From the moment they enter your life until you leave this earth. He always hits those milestones first - ones that I am not always ready for, but I do the best I can with what I have been taught from my own parents.

Hopefully by the time the other two get to these milestones, I REMEMBER what I have learned from teaching Tyler. Parenting is always about learning from mistakes, doing the best we can, and using Love as a guide. I only hope that my children see through my imperfections and know that I truly love them.

So, although each milestone makes me a New Parent, all over again, there is no better joy I have then experience the first milestones with Tyler as they are just as new for me as they are for him.