"Life is a Highway" as the song says....

How much fun would life be if the paths we took was one straight road? No twists, no turns, nothing unexpected. Sometimes I think we all wish we could see straight ahead. There would be no questions about what is to come. There would be no surprises when something unexpected happened because you would be able to see it from a mile away if heading down a straight path. You could plan accordingly because you would know exactly what was coming from miles away. You could mentally prepare, have a plan of attack, develop strategies and have the right tools ready. How much easier would everything be if you could just SEE what was coming? Everything would sure be easier, but would it be any fun to know what’s coming? Maybe “FUN” isn’t the right word….


Unfortunately, life just isn’t that way.

Life is a mountainous road. Yes, a very windy, steep, curvy road. Sometimes there are ups and other times there are downs. Sometimes you come to a turn that requires you to slow down to a very safe speed so you don’t go over the edge.(yikes!) Some see these types of roads “fun”, but they are more often stressful and hard to maneuver through as opposed to “fun”….. At least for me.

When I traveled to Sedona this last summer with the family, there was a road that reminds me so much of my life. Realistically, it was about a 10 mile long road. It took about 45 minutes to travel that part of the highway because of its hair pin turns, steep climbs and dips, and all of the foliage that blocked our view from seeing the road ahead. If I went too fast, I felt like I was putting the family at risk. If I went too slowly, the cars around me would get so annoyed; they would tailgate me until I pulled over to let them pass. But each time we had to climb this road, or descend into the canyon on this road, the pressure I felt getting to and from our destination was stressful because I wanted to make sure I was making the right decisions with my driving to ensure everyone’s safety.

Certainly a car is much easier to maneuver on a steep road than life is. No matter how much I try to control the way I maneuver through life, it just doesn’t seem to get easier. When I was younger and less cautious, I would whip around those turns in life and go for it. Not really thinking about the impact. I wonder some days how I got through it all unscathed. Over time, I have significantly slowed down to a more cautious speed. I want to make the right decisions for myself and my family. I want to make sure that they are all safe. But sometimes, those turns are just too much and I can’t necessarily control all of the elements surrounding me. All I can control is my reaction, how I handle myself in certain situations. That in itself is not the easiest thing. I now have to remember that my decisions ultimately affect a little boy who is sitting in the backseat, trusting me to get him where he needs to go which makes me slow way down and think a little more cautiously about how I approach different situations.

My decisions have led me to even more unexpected twists and turns. Occasionally I have to stop and take a deep breath, but I hold onto the wheel and keep going. It is a very long road that could end at any moment. Life is definitely more interesting when you don’t know what is to come. But some days, I really wouldn’t mind if I could get a straight patch of road for awhile....

Safe in his mother's hands

I often think of this picture.  Look at him....he is so tiny, so vulnerable.  He is so new to life and he is looking to me to give him a safe place to grow up and learn about all the things life has to bring.

We have had our challenges, him and I.  But he loves me unconditionally.  It amazes me.  A child's love is the most precious thing I have ever had in my life.

My boy is so sweet.  I am so thankful for modern day medicine that we have been able to find the right combination of assistance so he may be the sweet, kind soul that he is.  He is genuinely a good person, despite my faults in raising him and despite his medical challenges.  His teacher told me that he his a "role model" in his class.  He is smart and helps the students around him.  I watch him during his football practice and games, he encourages and cheers on his teammates.  He rally's around the ones who are afraid or uncertain.  He celebrates others victories.  I watched him the other day at Walmart, in the game room, trying to get a stuffed animal out of a machine.  He has gotten pretty good at those machines.  He actually was able to get a stuffed spiderman pillow out of there.  There was a younger boy near him that was so excited for him and Shane turned to the boy, asked him if he wanted the pillow.  I was stunned.  I asked him why he gave his prize away and he said "because he wanted to have it".  It was so easy for him to be charitable.  We were talking the other day about how this year is going for him so far and I asked him if he is enjoying school and football.  He says "yes and it's all because of you, mom."  I was very surprised and asked "why do you say that?"  He said "Because you took me to all the doctors and you got me my medicine.  It's all because of you." 

I have longed to see this boy as happy as he is now.  He bounces home from school, excited about his day.  He smiles and laughs a lot more.  He accepts challenges and has so much more confidence.  Yesterday we went on a bike ride and rode down a very steep hill.  He was very confident (probably a little too much) and as he flew down that hill, I tried to instruct him and he lost his balance and fell.  It was a scary, hard fall.  He cried harder than I think I have ever seen him and he insisted he would be walking his bike the rest of the way home.  After he pulled himself together, I told him to get back on the bike and we were going to get down that hill.  He listened to my instructions and asked me not to leave his side.  Minutes later, we made it down that hill.  He rode his bike the rest of the way home.  I was so proud of my boy for getting back on that bike even though he was scared.

As I packed up my house this weekend, I pulled this picture off of the wall.  I question so many times if I am doing the right things.  Everything I do, I do for me and I do for him.  As hard as some of these decisions are, ultimately, I put him first.  This picture reminds me so many times when I question myself, that he is entrusting me to keep him safe, guide him through life.  And only God truly knows how hard I try.  Some days I think I fall harder than others, but I get back up and try again.  He gave me this sweet boy and oh, how lucky I am to have him.  Nothing else in this world will ever be as important to me as he is.  I know he trusts me and I hope that I do not fail him.

My tiny baby will be a big, gigantic boy before I know it.  His feet are already a size 5 at age 8.  I'm sure he will be taller than me by the time he is in 8th grade.  I am so excited to spend every day with him, watching him learn and grow through each day of struggles.  I have said before and I say again, I learn much more from him than he will probably ever learn from me.  I just hope that he feels safe in his mother's hands and I am able to provide him with that sense of security, acceptance, and love no matter what challenges we face.

This is why I believe in Angels

I have struggled with faith and prayer for many, many years. Probably more years than most people realize. I try to be a positive person…although some days are harder than others. Hope has not come easily for me. But, I do believe that there is a power greater than all of us that can bring hope and peace. I feel that everyone has the right to give this “power” any name they feel is appropriate. I do not believe that anyone has the right to dictate what this “power” is. It is a very personal, very sacred thing for each and every one of us. I respect the beliefs of others in their personal “power”. I will gladly say a prayer for anyone who asks because I do feel it is important when supporting and loving others to help anyway I can. And just because I do not believe in the same philosophies and principles that others do, doesn’t mean that I cannot offer up a prayer for others. Just because my beliefs are different than others, does not mean that I cannot love and support in a way that is most important to the ones I care for most in this world.

With all the struggles I have had with my son recently, I have thought a great deal about this power and how to channel into it so I can find hope and peace. In my moments of worry and grief, the greatest amount of peace I have found is within this power. I still sit back on occasion and say a prayer when I am at a loss of where I can find the peace I need to give me strength to take a step forward. Life is about taking each step, one at a time. Sometimes, I am not sure I can take any more steps. And when I can’t, miraculously, Angels appear.

A few months ago, I was having one of these moments. I didn’t know what to do to make things better for myself. I felt lost in my own life. I didn’t know who I was…yet again. I thought “I’m 35 years old! How can I not know who I am?” I felt like I was failing as a parent. My son was struggling and I didn’t know what to do to help him. My family has felt the effects of the stress. My husband and I were arguing more often than not. I felt like I was on edge all the time. I felt very much alone, ashamed, and not-so-positive. One day when I wanted to just quit, that was the moment I prayed. I sat back, closed my eyes and breathed deeply. My prayer was simple, “please help me get through this.” That was all I said.

Since that time, there have been many small miracles happen in my life, brought by Angels. They are good people who genuinely want to help, who are selfless, have the ability to be supportive without expecting anything in return, or who chose professions simply because they wanted to be in environment where they could make a difference. I am fortunate enough to have all of those types appear in our lives. And I am certain that wasn’t by accident. I am sure there was a higher power involved that brought these good people into my life to help me with my challenges. And my very simple prayer helped me to recognize them and what they were trying to do.

There are so many bad things in this world that so many are reacting to the bad things; it becomes increasingly difficult to notice those things in life that are good and right. The bad things are so loud, so noticeable. The good things are quiet, unassuming, and tend to go unnoticed by most. But without those good things, good people how can any of us find hope and peace?

That power that we believe in, no matter what you name it, is found in every single one of us. I believe in Angels because I believe that the power within in each of us can give us the strength we need to be a support to someone else. If we let go of the fear and selfishness long enough to appreciate the strength we gain from others, it will also give us the ability to choose to be that strength for others when they need it the most. Most of the time we probably don’t even know when we are being that strength for others. My Angels probably have no clue that I have drawn my strength from them or the impact they have had on my life. They have helped me find that hope and peace by helping me find my next steps in my challenges. They have changed my life, my son’s life, and that is powerful. They helped me find a solid ground to stand on so I can feel confident in who I am, find resources that I need to get the answers I need, not only in relation to what is going on with Shane, but for the struggles I have had for myself as well.

I believe that good things aren’t just found in random acts of kindness. The random acts of kindness that seem to draw the most attention, broadcast on the news, and talked about among groups of people. The best things are found in people who are simply….good and kind to others.

I am inspired by these Angels to remember how important it is to be good and kind because I will never know how my influence may have an impact.

For those in my life who have carried me these past few months…Thank you for being my Angels.

I Love Happy Accidents!

Sometimes I have an idea that isn’t really thought out, I just do it not really expecting anything to come from it. Not long ago, I had what I like to call a “Happy Accident”. I did something just because I was having a crazy evening and my brain was having a hard time staying on track.

About two weeks ago, I had a crazy night. I picked up all the children and came home. Tyler and Bailey have their routines. They are awesome at coming home and doing what they need to do. But, I still spend some time with them going over their grades and listening to the happenings of their lives, making sure I am keeping up with their activities as well. At the same time, Shane still had to finish some homework and has a really hard time on the nights that Tyler and Bailey are there because he has to share my attention. They can also be very distracting because he likes to know what everyone is doing all the time. He hates to share my attention with anyone so he does everything he can to get my attention on these nights. When it is just him and I, he knows he can get my attention at any point so he doesn’t act up nearly as much. It is like I’m running a three-ring circus around the house when the day is over, especially during the days when there are extracurricular activities.

One evening in particular, he had homework to finish, dinner to eat, we were baking a cake for Troy for his birthday, nightly chores, and he had to get ready for bed. For Tyler and Bailey, these tasks are robotic for them. They just know this is our routine, every night. For Shane, he doesn't function as easily as the other two with his routine. Children with ADHD struggle with sequencing. If something distracts them, they get off task very easily. They also cannot go from A-B-C without being constantly reminded of the routine. I still have a great deal of things that I am trying to do for the family and for me. That night, I had so sit with Shane through everything he had to get done. I had to sit with him while he read his book and his sight words, sit with him and keep him focused on eating dinner, walk him through taking out the trash and cleaning up his room. All the while trying to give Tyler and Bailey the attention they need, getting dinner prepared, and trying to get a quick run or workout done for me.

Needless to say, Shane and I were both having a very hard time staying on track with what needed to be done. So, on a whim, I wrote down everything that I needed Shane to focus on and all the things I needed to get done for the evening. I do make lists on occasion when I am overwhelmed because it helps me stay focused. At the end of our list was “watch TV”. That was the light at the end of our tunnel. The rest of the night, when he got lost or off task, I would refer him back to his “to-do” list to get him back on track. If I got confused or forgot what was next for him to do, I could refer back to the list. It was amazing how much easier that was for both of us. I tried it the next evening and the next morning. Again, things ran a bit more smoothly for us. So, I decided to get him a dry erase board for his room where we could right down his to-do list every morning to get ready for school and every afternoon when we got home. At the end of each list is “Watch TV”. And because he is very structured, his brain does not skip around the board. He has to follow the list exactly as it is written. He absolutely will not go out of order. So, until everything else is done, he will not watch TV. It is very interesting to watch how he functions sometimes. In many cases, I can use his tendencies to my advantage. It’s learning what they are that is pretty tricky. Of course, we have checks and balances to make sure he is actually completing the task on his list because I am well aware that he could just cross something off a list without actually doing it. In the mornings, my goal is to make sure he is sitting in front of the TV, backpack ready, and jacket on, so when it’s time to go there is not scrambling to make sure everything has been done. So far, things have been working with this new idea, my “Happy Accident”. We still have our struggles, he still has challenges with staying focused on task. This is definitely not a magic cure, but it has helped so much.

As I have been reading books on ADHD, they actually recommended creating a list like this or a chart that helps them stay on task. I felt pretty smart for coming up with this one on my own. :) And it is good to see Shane getting through his list in a positive way rather than having me nag him and get after him, which is more negative for him. He actually feels a sense of accomplishment every time he marks something off his list. We both feel much more confident and I am not nearly as anxious about what our afternoons are going to look like now. I’m sure the same goes for him as well.

Miracle baby

During this very difficult week, Shane came to me with some very interesting questions and conversations. I am so amazed at how smart he is sometimes. He has such a wonderful, curious mind. And so often I underestimate his ability to grasp some more mature concepts.

Shane - "Mom, am I your only child"

Me - "Yes, you are my only child"

Shane - "Mom, are you going to have another one?"

Me - "No Shane, you will always be my only child."

Shane - "Well, I want a baby sister."

Me - "I'm sorry sweetheart, I won't be able to give you a baby sister."

Shane - "Yes you can."

Me - "no, I really can't. It's hard to explain, but I am not able to have any more babies."

Shane - "Well, Tyler and Bailey's mom had more than one baby. She had Tyler, then a few years later, she had Bailey. If she can have two babies, then you can have two babies. I know it."

Me - "Shane, I know you want a baby sister but it just can't happen for me."

Shane - "Well, Bailey was born a lot of years after Tyler. You just need to wait a few more years and then you can have a baby sister for me. That's how it works."

Me - I stood there with my mouth open, not sure what to say and he walked away with that statement as if that was the decision and the end of discussion.

I had my surgery. The tubal ligation is done and I will not be able to give Shane a baby sister unfortunately. This conversation with Shane happened on Saturday. I knew that after that I was going to have to talk with him about what had happened.

When I returned home from my surgery yesterday, he was so sweet. He didn't leave my side. He would help me stand from the couch, walk to the bathroom, he put lotion on my dried out feet, and most importantly he gave me lots of hugs and loves. As he sat on my bed with me I explained to him what had happened in my surgery.

Me- "Shane, I need to tell you about my surgery today. I know you want a baby sister, but the surgery I had to today made it so I can't have anymore babies."

Shane (as his eyes welled up with big, crocodile tears) - "why?"

Me - "because mommy can't have babies as easily other mommies can. I just want to enjoy being your mommy."

Shane - "you can't have babies easy?"

Me - "no I can't. I'm sorry. I know you wanted a baby sister, but you will always be my only baby."

Shane - "But I am going to be all alone. After you die, I will be all alone!"

Me - "no, you will never be alone. You will have your own wife and your own babies one day. And you have Tyler and Bailey and your papa dad."

Shane - "but my papa dad will die before you!"

Me - "Shane, you will have your own babies one day - maybe even your own baby girl. You will not be alone. I promise"

Shane (trying to hold it together, but the tears were slowly falling down his cheeks) - "okay"

And he gave me a hug, held on tight, and said "I love you"

I know these things are hard for children his age to understand, but it seems my son has the ability to process some concepts that are beyond his years. He is so concerned about when I die and being alone. I'm not even certain why this is a concern for him, but it is. Even though this seems to be a bit too adult of a conversation for him, I felt it was important to tell him the truth. I don't want him going through the next few years thinking that a baby sister would be coming soon. It wouldn't be fair to him. The rest of the evening, he didn't leave my side. He is such a sweet boy. And he was such a gentleman, taking such good care of his mommy. It's those moments I feel like I must be doing something right with him. Our conversation did not end with that one however. After he had some time to think about it, he asked me again this morning before he left for school.

Shane - "Mom, if you can have babies easily like other moms, how did you have me?"

Me (thinking - Not ready for the sex talk with my six-year-old! what now?!?!) - "I don't know. You were a miracle baby. That's why you are so special."

Shane (sitting and thinking for a minute, deciding if he will accept that explanation, finally let me of the hook and said) - "I'm a miracle baby? What is that?"

Me - "I didn't think I was going to have any babies. And then, I had you. I was surprised when I had you. That's why you are my miracle."

And with that he gave me a big hug, seemingly satisfied with the answers he received. I am certain he will have more questions. For whatever reason I was blessed to have him as my only son. He truly is my miracle.

The Great Escape

Home is such a great escape from work, but then again, Work can be a great escape from home. Sometimes, I feel very blessed to have my two worlds where I can escape from one and run to another. Occassionally, I will have a bad day at work and I look forward to coming home where everyone loves me and needs me. Occassionally I will have a bad day at home and look forward to going to work where everyone is happy to have me there. Most of the time it flip-flops and there are those occasional days when I have great days at work and home and other times where I have a bad day at work and at home - those are the hardest days.



Are you completely confused? Don't worry - I get confused a lot. :)



Remember how I said that life can be about juggling as many balls as you possibly can? Well, there are some days at work where all 8 of my employees need me for something and I have to pick and choose who's needs are more important. Inevitably someone gets forgotten about or left out. I hate when that happens because I don't want to let them down. Thank goodness they recognize I am human and can't do it all. At home, it's the same. I'll get home from a day of being pulled in a thousand directions and I come home to my family who also all need something from me. I have the same problem. I want to take care of everyone, but inevitably someone (usually my husband) gets forgotten about or left out. I have to say that it is a nice feeling when everyone wants my attention no matter where I go! As challenging as it is, I think my hardest days are when no one needs my help with something. My days/nights drag and I find myself looking for ANYTHING to do. It's like driving a car at 100mph and coming to a school zone where you have to drive 15mph (in Nevada, that's the law). You are so used to going fast, that the minute you go slow, you tend to count the minutes until you can step on the gas and get back up to 100mph. I forget that in those moments of being forced to move that slowly it gives me an opportunity to look around, enjoy the scenary, take my time, and actually see and hear the things that are going on around me.



My greatest escape of all is when I lie in bed at night and think about all the good things that happened during the day. Somedays it is harder to pick out good things, but if I can think of a success that I had while at work and a success at home, I feel pretty satisfied with my today and I realize just how happy I am to have the life that I do.

March 19, 2010

I often wonder how a stay-at-home mom survives. I often hear from stay-at-home mom's that they don't know how a working mom survives. Let's face it - neither role is easier than the other. Both roles have many benefits, but many trials as well. Rewards can be many or few - depending on the day. I wanted to write this so I could have an opportunity to share my views as a working mom - and the so many joys and trials that come with it.



I thought of a new saying tonight - "Life is about how many balls you can juggle all at one time."



I think that is an accurate description of my life.



My life, although I wouldn't have it any other way, is chalk full of challenges. I have a 5-year-old boy who is my miracle. In my early twenties, I began to struggle with infertility and after many years of heartbreaking fertility, I decided to focus on my career and build another life for myself since being a mother did not seem to be in my future. Ironic.



I went back to school to complete my Bachelor's in Management. My life went through a period of changes during that time. I ended up divorced, found a new freedom I had never experienced, and ended up pregnant. Many people told me "oh, it's because you stopped trying!" I am here to tell you - that there is no explanation for how I became pregnant, because I have never been able to duplicate it even though I have not been trying as all those genius' suggested.



By the time I had my son, I was sucked into the business world and loved feeling the success. My career was mine - no one else's. And no matter what, no one could take that feeling from me. I wanted it, craved it, and even when my sweet baby boy came into the world, I found myself missing it. I was torn all through maternity leave. I ached to be near my new baby and I ached to be working, driving my career every day. I felt guilty for not being with my son and I felt guilty for not being at work.



Once I was back to work, I found I wanted more than what I had. So, I changed jobs and began hunting for my perfect career move. All the while, I continued to juggle motherhood and make sure that I was a dedicated mother at home. I have learned the fine art of leaving my work at work. When I leave work, I put my "mom" hat on, and I do not bring my work hat home. I think this has been the best decision I have made in regards to my career and my family. But, I never leave my "mom" hat at home. I carry it with me all day because I never know when I may get a call or a text from one of them looking for "mom". Life balance is so important and I am lucky to be part of a company that recognizes that importance.



Over time, I have remarried a wonderful man who supports me in my career and willingly accepts me as the breadwinner - not an easy thing for most men and their egos. Along with my husband came his three children (only two live with us). So much for accpeting that my future did not include motherhood! My life went from crazy to CRAZY overnight and I have not looked back since.



I have many "hats". I am the boss, financial advisor, problem solver, therapist, decision maker, boo-boo kisser, teacher, taxi driver, and ATM. I'm sure there are more - but I can't think of any at the moment. I know that as a working mother, I miss out on some the joys of raising my children - but I take responsibility for my children's education and I make sure I am involved so they know I care. But I also know that I can handle all of the challenges that are a result of being a working mom. I travel quite a bit, but I still manage to make as many of their activities as I possibly can. I attend my meetings and I will rearrange my day in order to attend one of their concerts or school events. I believe I can have it all and I believe my children have the best of me - because I work.



Thank goodness today is over, but I can't wait for tomorrow!