January...Thank you for being over!!

January was a difficult month…..Let me rephrase… If there was a test to be had in my life, I’m pretty sure it happened in January.


I took on the responsibility of the secretary position on the executive board in December for our youth football program. I was really excited to take on something new and use the skills I have developed over the years to give back to the community. All I can say is ….. Oh Boy, did I jump in with two feet.

Some things at work have changed, beginning this month my employee count nearly doubled in size. I have 15 sales reps who work for me. I love this group, truly was a change I needed. But again, I have jumped in with two feet and it has really been great getting to work with these guys in the short period I have so far. I think we all needed the change and it did reenergize us.

I’ve been preparing my divorce papers this month. Yes, I am filing for divorce. We all have to live with our choices, good and bad. But sometimes you have to follow a road you think will have the outcome you believe in. Years later, you realize how horribly wrong you were. But thankfully, I refuse to settle or put my child through that kind of life simply to prove a point. I am stubborn, but not THAT stubborn. And although some may judge me for not “sticking it out”, all I can say is that it is really easy to make decisions when you are on the outside looking in. I am thankful every day that I have a second chance in this life to make everything right. It’s not every day you get that and I will not forget what I went through to get to this point, what I lost and what I have been so fortunate to get back now.

My dog started having seizures this month. It first happened three weeks ago and then again yesterday. It was awful the first time it happened. He had his first seizure in my son’s bed in the middle of the night. I was headed to bed and heard quite a ruckus in the next room, of course I thought the boys (Shane and Beemer) were playing. But instead I found Beemer lying next to my son in the middle of a grand mal seizure and I had no clue what was going on. I cannot even begin to describe it, but I sent Shane to my room and waited for it to pass. Honestly, the way he laid there, I thought he was dead. All I could think about was how I was going to tell my boy that his dog, best friend, and “brother-from-another-mother” had passed away lying next to him in his bed. And as I broke down, he blinked his eyes and began to come back around. About ten minutes later he was my sweet puppy again. But he continued with the seizures every two hours after that throughout the night. He is still part of this family and we will love our puppy for as long as he will have us.

And if that isn’t enough, Shane has had an awful month. It hasn’t been this bad since last year about this time. The last 3-4 weeks have been some of the hardest we have had in awhile. When I say hardest, I mean physically exhausting and emotionally draining.

I love my son, very much. I would move heaven and earth for him if I could.

I hate that he has to struggle as he tries to figure out how to function in a world that is so much more different than he is. He is a round peg, trying desperately to fit into a square hole. I am thankful for those few people who appreciate who he is and celebrate his little daily wins with me (you know who you are). Most days, I have had to fight these battles alone. Thankfully, his father will be moving back to Reno soon and I will have some relief and daily support.

We adjusted his meds again recently as he is growing and is now at a point that he needs a maximum dosage, but it seems that the higher the dosage the harder the come down is at night for him. I have to race him home to get homework and chores done before his meds start to wear off or I struggle all night to keep him on task. Lately, his “come downs” have been occurring earlier. He already doesn’t transition well from being at school all day to coming home at night.

So we started on a new medication. He takes the same dosage of concerta he took before. Concerta is a stimulant that helps him focus, stay on task, and controls his hyperactivity throughout the day. However, he also has a lot of problems with aggression and impulse issues which is generally where he tends to get in trouble. In order to feel comfortable, he has to control his surroundings at all times. It is the OCD part of ADHD. Everything has to be “just so”, and rules have to be followed by everyone else. So if something falls out of that comfort zone, he becomes determined to fix it so he is comfortable again. So, in order to bring down the aggression and impulse issues, he started taking another medication. So, while one is bringing him up, the other is bringing him down hoping to find a balance in the middle somewhere. I feel like I am conducting yet another scientific experiment on my child. And at the end of the day, I know I am doing what I can do to try to make things better for him, but I just wish there was an easier way.

I sometimes wish I would wake up and he wouldn’t have to deal with this disability (YES, DISABILITY), I hate seeing him suffer with his own struggles both independently and socially. It breaks my heart that he is watched like a hawk to make sure he isn’t putting other children at danger, that he rarely is invited to birthday parties, or sleepovers. We have wonderful friends in our neighborhood who have been great with Shane, and I can always count on them to love and accept him for who he is. I appreciate all they do and their acceptance of him because it is rare. I get it; I understand he is so difficult to handle at times so I don’t take it personally when he is left out of the social circles of his different friends. He seems to be okay with it, so that’s all that matters to me. But I am forever grateful to that family who is so sensitive to his needs.

I’ve also continued my training. I am determined to participate in all of my 5k’s, triathlon, and two new events this year – Tough Mudder and The DaVita Ride. Both will test my endurance and will be some of the most difficult physical tests I have ever had. There I go jumping in with two feet again (how many feet do I have, you ask??)

Oh and to top it off, I decided that during the month of January, I made the choice NOT to drink any alcohol or soda. Okay, so I cheated with a few little 8 oz cans of Pepsi Max during wrestling. Sometimes those things get really slow and I need a pick me up! What can I say?

So, needless to say, I am VERY grateful for February. And the rest of 2013 should be a cake walk, right?

Safe in his mother's hands

I often think of this picture.  Look at him....he is so tiny, so vulnerable.  He is so new to life and he is looking to me to give him a safe place to grow up and learn about all the things life has to bring.

We have had our challenges, him and I.  But he loves me unconditionally.  It amazes me.  A child's love is the most precious thing I have ever had in my life.

My boy is so sweet.  I am so thankful for modern day medicine that we have been able to find the right combination of assistance so he may be the sweet, kind soul that he is.  He is genuinely a good person, despite my faults in raising him and despite his medical challenges.  His teacher told me that he his a "role model" in his class.  He is smart and helps the students around him.  I watch him during his football practice and games, he encourages and cheers on his teammates.  He rally's around the ones who are afraid or uncertain.  He celebrates others victories.  I watched him the other day at Walmart, in the game room, trying to get a stuffed animal out of a machine.  He has gotten pretty good at those machines.  He actually was able to get a stuffed spiderman pillow out of there.  There was a younger boy near him that was so excited for him and Shane turned to the boy, asked him if he wanted the pillow.  I was stunned.  I asked him why he gave his prize away and he said "because he wanted to have it".  It was so easy for him to be charitable.  We were talking the other day about how this year is going for him so far and I asked him if he is enjoying school and football.  He says "yes and it's all because of you, mom."  I was very surprised and asked "why do you say that?"  He said "Because you took me to all the doctors and you got me my medicine.  It's all because of you." 

I have longed to see this boy as happy as he is now.  He bounces home from school, excited about his day.  He smiles and laughs a lot more.  He accepts challenges and has so much more confidence.  Yesterday we went on a bike ride and rode down a very steep hill.  He was very confident (probably a little too much) and as he flew down that hill, I tried to instruct him and he lost his balance and fell.  It was a scary, hard fall.  He cried harder than I think I have ever seen him and he insisted he would be walking his bike the rest of the way home.  After he pulled himself together, I told him to get back on the bike and we were going to get down that hill.  He listened to my instructions and asked me not to leave his side.  Minutes later, we made it down that hill.  He rode his bike the rest of the way home.  I was so proud of my boy for getting back on that bike even though he was scared.

As I packed up my house this weekend, I pulled this picture off of the wall.  I question so many times if I am doing the right things.  Everything I do, I do for me and I do for him.  As hard as some of these decisions are, ultimately, I put him first.  This picture reminds me so many times when I question myself, that he is entrusting me to keep him safe, guide him through life.  And only God truly knows how hard I try.  Some days I think I fall harder than others, but I get back up and try again.  He gave me this sweet boy and oh, how lucky I am to have him.  Nothing else in this world will ever be as important to me as he is.  I know he trusts me and I hope that I do not fail him.

My tiny baby will be a big, gigantic boy before I know it.  His feet are already a size 5 at age 8.  I'm sure he will be taller than me by the time he is in 8th grade.  I am so excited to spend every day with him, watching him learn and grow through each day of struggles.  I have said before and I say again, I learn much more from him than he will probably ever learn from me.  I just hope that he feels safe in his mother's hands and I am able to provide him with that sense of security, acceptance, and love no matter what challenges we face.

This summer brought change

Summer blew by way too fast.  It always does, but this year seemed to be on hyperdrive.  It went by so fast that it seems like three months ago was years ago, and in that time I have grown and changed in ways I didn't really envision when the summer began.

A lot has happened that has changed the direction of my personal development.  I observed and lived through many experiences that have caused my perspectives to switched gears.  My life has taken on a different focus, which will bring many changes.....very difficult changes. 

I won't get into the details now as they are still too personal to share.  But what is to come is scary, exciting, terrible, and liberating....all at the same time.  It is a lot of emotion for one person to feel.  I have no idea where this road is about to take me because it is one I have never traveled before.  All I know is that I have to follow the road and take the journey I am about to embark on if I want things to improve. 

Many know of the struggles I have had throughout my life.  I don't keep them a secret because it is all part of who I am.  I try not to regret too many things that have happened in my life, but occassionally I can't help but think "what if".  In that lesson I have learned to take a deep breath and evaluate circumstances much more carefully before jumping in with two feet not knowing how deep the water is.

Even though I have no idea what is to come, I know I can handle whatever comes next.  I know that whatever comes will have great lessons for me.  I know that I will be better all around.  I firmly believe that life isn't about living every day in the safe zone.  So many people would rather live in misery knowing what tomorrow will bring rather than make changes, because it is safe.  Taking risks is very scary.  Change is very scary.  But taking risks and making changes in order to improve things for yourself and your family is always worth it.  My decisions may not always be popular, accepted, and people may place judgement on me...but I'm okay with that.  After all, it's my life and I don't need the approval of others because that is not what I am seeking.

What am I seeking?  Peace within myself.  I want to be happy with who I am, be the person I was meant to be, and most of all, be the mother my son deserves.  At this point in my life, it is all I want for ME.