January...Thank you for being over!!

January was a difficult month…..Let me rephrase… If there was a test to be had in my life, I’m pretty sure it happened in January.


I took on the responsibility of the secretary position on the executive board in December for our youth football program. I was really excited to take on something new and use the skills I have developed over the years to give back to the community. All I can say is ….. Oh Boy, did I jump in with two feet.

Some things at work have changed, beginning this month my employee count nearly doubled in size. I have 15 sales reps who work for me. I love this group, truly was a change I needed. But again, I have jumped in with two feet and it has really been great getting to work with these guys in the short period I have so far. I think we all needed the change and it did reenergize us.

I’ve been preparing my divorce papers this month. Yes, I am filing for divorce. We all have to live with our choices, good and bad. But sometimes you have to follow a road you think will have the outcome you believe in. Years later, you realize how horribly wrong you were. But thankfully, I refuse to settle or put my child through that kind of life simply to prove a point. I am stubborn, but not THAT stubborn. And although some may judge me for not “sticking it out”, all I can say is that it is really easy to make decisions when you are on the outside looking in. I am thankful every day that I have a second chance in this life to make everything right. It’s not every day you get that and I will not forget what I went through to get to this point, what I lost and what I have been so fortunate to get back now.

My dog started having seizures this month. It first happened three weeks ago and then again yesterday. It was awful the first time it happened. He had his first seizure in my son’s bed in the middle of the night. I was headed to bed and heard quite a ruckus in the next room, of course I thought the boys (Shane and Beemer) were playing. But instead I found Beemer lying next to my son in the middle of a grand mal seizure and I had no clue what was going on. I cannot even begin to describe it, but I sent Shane to my room and waited for it to pass. Honestly, the way he laid there, I thought he was dead. All I could think about was how I was going to tell my boy that his dog, best friend, and “brother-from-another-mother” had passed away lying next to him in his bed. And as I broke down, he blinked his eyes and began to come back around. About ten minutes later he was my sweet puppy again. But he continued with the seizures every two hours after that throughout the night. He is still part of this family and we will love our puppy for as long as he will have us.

And if that isn’t enough, Shane has had an awful month. It hasn’t been this bad since last year about this time. The last 3-4 weeks have been some of the hardest we have had in awhile. When I say hardest, I mean physically exhausting and emotionally draining.

I love my son, very much. I would move heaven and earth for him if I could.

I hate that he has to struggle as he tries to figure out how to function in a world that is so much more different than he is. He is a round peg, trying desperately to fit into a square hole. I am thankful for those few people who appreciate who he is and celebrate his little daily wins with me (you know who you are). Most days, I have had to fight these battles alone. Thankfully, his father will be moving back to Reno soon and I will have some relief and daily support.

We adjusted his meds again recently as he is growing and is now at a point that he needs a maximum dosage, but it seems that the higher the dosage the harder the come down is at night for him. I have to race him home to get homework and chores done before his meds start to wear off or I struggle all night to keep him on task. Lately, his “come downs” have been occurring earlier. He already doesn’t transition well from being at school all day to coming home at night.

So we started on a new medication. He takes the same dosage of concerta he took before. Concerta is a stimulant that helps him focus, stay on task, and controls his hyperactivity throughout the day. However, he also has a lot of problems with aggression and impulse issues which is generally where he tends to get in trouble. In order to feel comfortable, he has to control his surroundings at all times. It is the OCD part of ADHD. Everything has to be “just so”, and rules have to be followed by everyone else. So if something falls out of that comfort zone, he becomes determined to fix it so he is comfortable again. So, in order to bring down the aggression and impulse issues, he started taking another medication. So, while one is bringing him up, the other is bringing him down hoping to find a balance in the middle somewhere. I feel like I am conducting yet another scientific experiment on my child. And at the end of the day, I know I am doing what I can do to try to make things better for him, but I just wish there was an easier way.

I sometimes wish I would wake up and he wouldn’t have to deal with this disability (YES, DISABILITY), I hate seeing him suffer with his own struggles both independently and socially. It breaks my heart that he is watched like a hawk to make sure he isn’t putting other children at danger, that he rarely is invited to birthday parties, or sleepovers. We have wonderful friends in our neighborhood who have been great with Shane, and I can always count on them to love and accept him for who he is. I appreciate all they do and their acceptance of him because it is rare. I get it; I understand he is so difficult to handle at times so I don’t take it personally when he is left out of the social circles of his different friends. He seems to be okay with it, so that’s all that matters to me. But I am forever grateful to that family who is so sensitive to his needs.

I’ve also continued my training. I am determined to participate in all of my 5k’s, triathlon, and two new events this year – Tough Mudder and The DaVita Ride. Both will test my endurance and will be some of the most difficult physical tests I have ever had. There I go jumping in with two feet again (how many feet do I have, you ask??)

Oh and to top it off, I decided that during the month of January, I made the choice NOT to drink any alcohol or soda. Okay, so I cheated with a few little 8 oz cans of Pepsi Max during wrestling. Sometimes those things get really slow and I need a pick me up! What can I say?

So, needless to say, I am VERY grateful for February. And the rest of 2013 should be a cake walk, right?

ADHD Awareness Week

Many of you, like me, probably had no idea there was even a week that brought awareness to ADHD. I don’t think anyone can really appreciate this unless you really live the experiences of having a child with ADHD or being an adult with ADHD.

For those who have read my blog, you know the struggles Shane and I have had over the years. He has had so many ups and downs. I wanted to share his story one more time in support of ADHD awareness week and for those who don’t believe that ADHD is a true condition that can really cripple a child’s ability to function in society alongside his or her peers. Until you have lived it, you really cannot possibly understand. I know that there are many disabilities out there; so many that create hardships that are much more challenging than ours. But NO ONE has the right NOT to take this disability just as seriously as others. If not treated properly, children with ADHD struggle their entire lives. They have the potential to become alcoholics, drug addicts, high school drop outs, criminals, suicidal, or just live life by “getting by” without ever really reaching their full potential. Society tends to turn their back on them because no one understands how to socialize with them or find ways to help them succeed because it can be exhausting. The hardest thing about these last few years is seeing how many people choose, time and again, to turn their back on my son because they just don’t understand or how many people have turned their back on me because they think it is my fault for not being more disciplined with him.

When Shane was 18 months old, he began to show signs of his ADHD. I did not know it until recently, but children with ADHD will typically start to develop those “symptoms”, on average, at about 2 years of age. Shane began a bit earlier than that. His babysitter at the time did not know what to do about his multiple tantrums that were so violent, she would have to just stand back and let him go for fear he may cause her harm. His father and I had divorced when he was just barely a year old, so we thought that he was just having a hard time with that. But as time went on, he continued to struggle with tantrums, separation anxiety, serious behavioral problems at his daycares, and outright defiance to any form of authority. By the time he was 7 years old, he had been through 7 daycares. Every daycare claimed to be able to help him, and every single one quit on him when things became too difficult. I had one daycare that used to put him in a corner of the room by himself because they did not know “what to do with him”, there solution was to isolate him and ignore him during the course of the day. The director at his Private Kindergarten class and daycare told me that they just didn’t have the resources to meet his needs (the kindergarten class had ten children in it). He has thrown desks in classrooms, hit teachers, said inappropriate things, and his impulses are out of control. I developed positive programs with a few of these daycare programs, but their consistency usually fell apart after a few weeks and they would tell me they “can’t do the positive reinforcement any longer because it wasn’t fair to the other children”. Day after day, tear after tear, I looked at my boy, wondering where I had failed him as a mother. Wondering what I should have done differently in his early development to avoid all of these issues. I blamed myself for so many things and felt that “if only I had done XYZ different, maybe he wouldn’t be this way.” These first years of his life were the longest, hardest years I have ever experienced. I would get anxiety every time my phone rang, I felt helpless and out of control every day, and every time I would go to pick him up I would need to take a deep breath because I wouldn’t know what kind of report I would be getting.

Almost a year ago, a friend of mine who happens to be a behavioral specialist, suggested he may be ADHD. I said, “no way” because he had shown so many signs of reasons why he couldn’t be (turns out those signs, called “hyper-focus” is actually a symptom). She asked me if I had ever actually read about ADHD and what it actually is. I had to admit that I hadn’t. I was being ignorant and making a judgment call when I hadn’t even attempted to learn the facts. I went home that night and started researching. After a week of research, I had realized that I needed to start the process of having him evaluated.

The way society and the media talks, you would think that it is easy to get someone diagnosed with ADHD. I don’t think anyone really and truly appreciates how difficult it really is. Shane went through two different assessments, one with the school psychologist and one with a clinical psychologist. His teachers were so helpful with me through this, answering questions and giving information to the psychologists. The principal met with me on a few occasions to help me understand what I needed to do as a parent to get him in the correct programs. My son’s struggles continued to worsen. At one point my 7-yr-old sweet boy looked at me and told me he didn’t want to live anymore. When your baby says that to you, at such a young age, something snaps inside of you and I was determined to make these people listen to me and the needs of my baby boy. I was no longer only his mother, but I became his advocate as well. I was not about to let him suffer for one more day. After 5 months of evaluations and meetings, I finally got a diagnosis. I finally got someone to see what I saw and we made a decision to get him on ADHD medication. Deciding on medication truly is a big ‘ol science experiment. The psychiatrist told me that it could be ADHD or anxiety, the only way to know was to treat one or the other. So he asked me which one I thought we should treat. He told me the pros and cons of each side. After some thought and consideration of the risks, I decided to go with the ADHD medication. Instinctively, I felt that the anxiety was a result of the years of being punished and disciplined for constant behavior problems. Within weeks of this decision, I started to see a change. Months later as we started 2nd grade, it became clear that we went the right direction in treating the ADHD first. The psychiatrist felt that we had the right diagnosis and after some experimentation with the medication, it seems as though we have the right combination. Between changing his diet, increasing his Omega-3’s, the behavioral therapy, and the medication….I now get to sit back and watch my son enjoy life in every aspect.

Here are just a few comparisons from “Then” and “Now”:

THEN – 1st grade homework took on average, 1 hour to complete. Taking out the garbage from the kitchen to the outside trashcan would take 30 minutes if I didn’t follow him. When teachers would correct him on his schoolwork, he would throw a tantrum to the point the teacher had to remove him from the classroom. He would spend more time a football practice poking and messing with the kids around him, he would have to run all practice. I lost count of how many times his coach told him to “pay attention”. Children isolated him, teased him, bullied him because it was really fun for them to push his buttons and watch him explode. He was removed from general population recess because he was fighting every day. He was terrified to try new things or take risks because he was so tired of failing at everything.

NOW – He completes his homework on the 10-minute bus ride home. He not only takes out the trash, but he can vacuum the house, pick up after the dog, and make himself a snack in less than 30 minutes. He can even make himself scrambled eggs! He is now allowed to mentor and tutor the students in his class because he is so advanced in math. He is called a role model in class. Children want to play with him and be around him because he is encouraging and kind. He plays at recess with all of the children because he now can control his impulse and can think a little better about his consequences when he makes choices. He actually watches the football games on the sidelines. He has been allowed to learn new skills because he listens and is teachable. He has also helped his teammates by encouraging them to try. He is not afraid of risks. He tries new things and he doesn’t give up if it doesn’t work out.

One thing I have learned in all of this is that every child deserves to be given a chance, to have the adults around them give them everything they can to make their lives special and happy. Every child needs tolerance and patience from the adults in their lives, but children with ADHD need this more than anything. Shane has had a few people who have shown him love, acceptance, tolerance, and patience. A few that have never given up on him or turned their back on us. I thank them for this because it has made a difference for both of us.

My son never used to smile every day; the smile that tells a mother that he is happy, content, and feeling the joys of being a kid. I was terrified that I would never see this smile on my sons face. ADHD is a very challenging and difficult disability because it is difficult to diagnose and difficult for society to accept as a real disability. It is all too often just not taken seriously.

I now see that smile every day. We still have a very long road ahead of us, but I have hope that he will grow to his fullest potential and learn to live a life of love and fulfillment. He may struggle, but we now have the tools he needs to overcome his struggles. He has the support and the guidance that everyone needs to get through life.

As the week of ADHD Awareness comes to an end, I hope that folks will take this a little more seriously and learn more about what ADHD is as opposed to the myths and judgments that have been made about ADHD children and adults. I am hoping my son’s story will help others identify children like him and rather than dismiss the child as a “problem child”, maybe show that child a little more compassion, patience, and tolerance. Like my son, children and adults with ADHD need that acceptance and love. They deserve just as much as any other human being. They may not be the easiest people to live with, but they are some of the smartest, funniest, most lovable people you will ever meet… Just like my boy is.

Safe in his mother's hands

I often think of this picture.  Look at him....he is so tiny, so vulnerable.  He is so new to life and he is looking to me to give him a safe place to grow up and learn about all the things life has to bring.

We have had our challenges, him and I.  But he loves me unconditionally.  It amazes me.  A child's love is the most precious thing I have ever had in my life.

My boy is so sweet.  I am so thankful for modern day medicine that we have been able to find the right combination of assistance so he may be the sweet, kind soul that he is.  He is genuinely a good person, despite my faults in raising him and despite his medical challenges.  His teacher told me that he his a "role model" in his class.  He is smart and helps the students around him.  I watch him during his football practice and games, he encourages and cheers on his teammates.  He rally's around the ones who are afraid or uncertain.  He celebrates others victories.  I watched him the other day at Walmart, in the game room, trying to get a stuffed animal out of a machine.  He has gotten pretty good at those machines.  He actually was able to get a stuffed spiderman pillow out of there.  There was a younger boy near him that was so excited for him and Shane turned to the boy, asked him if he wanted the pillow.  I was stunned.  I asked him why he gave his prize away and he said "because he wanted to have it".  It was so easy for him to be charitable.  We were talking the other day about how this year is going for him so far and I asked him if he is enjoying school and football.  He says "yes and it's all because of you, mom."  I was very surprised and asked "why do you say that?"  He said "Because you took me to all the doctors and you got me my medicine.  It's all because of you." 

I have longed to see this boy as happy as he is now.  He bounces home from school, excited about his day.  He smiles and laughs a lot more.  He accepts challenges and has so much more confidence.  Yesterday we went on a bike ride and rode down a very steep hill.  He was very confident (probably a little too much) and as he flew down that hill, I tried to instruct him and he lost his balance and fell.  It was a scary, hard fall.  He cried harder than I think I have ever seen him and he insisted he would be walking his bike the rest of the way home.  After he pulled himself together, I told him to get back on the bike and we were going to get down that hill.  He listened to my instructions and asked me not to leave his side.  Minutes later, we made it down that hill.  He rode his bike the rest of the way home.  I was so proud of my boy for getting back on that bike even though he was scared.

As I packed up my house this weekend, I pulled this picture off of the wall.  I question so many times if I am doing the right things.  Everything I do, I do for me and I do for him.  As hard as some of these decisions are, ultimately, I put him first.  This picture reminds me so many times when I question myself, that he is entrusting me to keep him safe, guide him through life.  And only God truly knows how hard I try.  Some days I think I fall harder than others, but I get back up and try again.  He gave me this sweet boy and oh, how lucky I am to have him.  Nothing else in this world will ever be as important to me as he is.  I know he trusts me and I hope that I do not fail him.

My tiny baby will be a big, gigantic boy before I know it.  His feet are already a size 5 at age 8.  I'm sure he will be taller than me by the time he is in 8th grade.  I am so excited to spend every day with him, watching him learn and grow through each day of struggles.  I have said before and I say again, I learn much more from him than he will probably ever learn from me.  I just hope that he feels safe in his mother's hands and I am able to provide him with that sense of security, acceptance, and love no matter what challenges we face.

So Beautiful, I had to share

I came across a poem last night that brought me to tears.  It describes my son to a tee and it told me two things. 

1.  I am not alone
2. My son is not alone

So many wonderful people and children are out there that are struggling as we do and I am so fortunate to have found these pages where I can find people with similar challenges.  When I feel weak, I draw from their strength.  I also have a new community in which I can offer support.  Shane has a disorder that many people think they know, but really do not understand.  Children with ADHD are different.  Most people avoid them or judge them.  But these children are most often the sweetest, smartest children of the bunch.  But because they are different, people struggle to understand and relate to them.  These children make us adapt and change our own way of doing things.  Not many people can accept that.  It is easier to turn away than to look at yourself and decide how you can change to help another person succeed. 

My son is the best thing that has ever happened to me because he makes me look at myself and change how I approach everything in life.  Embracing that change, has truly been difficult, but very rewarding.  My bond with my child is that much stronger because of it.

So this poem is for my son.  Who loves me unconditionally through all of my imperfections and parental mistakes.

My A.D.H.D CHILD

BY TRACY
http://www.facebook.com/#!/HelpYourADHDChild

He’s bouncin’ off walls, a super ball gone insane.
He runs through your world like an off-rail freight train,
Interruptions are constant, tantrums galore,
When it’s time to do homework, he’s gone, out the door.
The drama is constant, oh his foot fell asleep,
He moans and he wails, the theatrics run deep.
School is a nightmare, the teachers are lost,
If they could only see, he is worth the cost.

He is brighter than most, as most kids are,
And with patience and love, I know he’ll go far,
But what I must take from well meaning friends
Don’t let him do that. Oh these rules that he bends.
You’re not a good parent. Your child’s really rude.
His temper’s Outrageous. He has hands in his food.
He hears and he wonders, just what’s’ wrong with me?

I tell him, your special, you have A.D.H.D.
Now A.D.H.D is a gift from above,
It teaches us how to strengthen our love
It helps to teach your teachers, no two kids are the same.
You have awesome energy that could bring you great fame.
You don’t need much sleep, you never wear down.
You’re silly and funny, when you act like a clown.
You’ve felt lots of pain from what people have said,
But you pray for those people when you go to bed.
So you try every day to make a fresh start,
For God gifted you with an extra big heart.

As I look at my child, he sees through my soul.
My heart feels like busting, as I realize my goal.
I know this boy like no one else could,
He’s blessed to me, he’s strong and he’s good.
So I’ll love him and guide him through the worst of the worst,
And he’ll make a great man (if I don’t kill him first).

I’m kidding of course ‘cause I know what’s to be,
When I look in his eyes, I see a reflection of me.