January...Thank you for being over!!

January was a difficult month…..Let me rephrase… If there was a test to be had in my life, I’m pretty sure it happened in January.


I took on the responsibility of the secretary position on the executive board in December for our youth football program. I was really excited to take on something new and use the skills I have developed over the years to give back to the community. All I can say is ….. Oh Boy, did I jump in with two feet.

Some things at work have changed, beginning this month my employee count nearly doubled in size. I have 15 sales reps who work for me. I love this group, truly was a change I needed. But again, I have jumped in with two feet and it has really been great getting to work with these guys in the short period I have so far. I think we all needed the change and it did reenergize us.

I’ve been preparing my divorce papers this month. Yes, I am filing for divorce. We all have to live with our choices, good and bad. But sometimes you have to follow a road you think will have the outcome you believe in. Years later, you realize how horribly wrong you were. But thankfully, I refuse to settle or put my child through that kind of life simply to prove a point. I am stubborn, but not THAT stubborn. And although some may judge me for not “sticking it out”, all I can say is that it is really easy to make decisions when you are on the outside looking in. I am thankful every day that I have a second chance in this life to make everything right. It’s not every day you get that and I will not forget what I went through to get to this point, what I lost and what I have been so fortunate to get back now.

My dog started having seizures this month. It first happened three weeks ago and then again yesterday. It was awful the first time it happened. He had his first seizure in my son’s bed in the middle of the night. I was headed to bed and heard quite a ruckus in the next room, of course I thought the boys (Shane and Beemer) were playing. But instead I found Beemer lying next to my son in the middle of a grand mal seizure and I had no clue what was going on. I cannot even begin to describe it, but I sent Shane to my room and waited for it to pass. Honestly, the way he laid there, I thought he was dead. All I could think about was how I was going to tell my boy that his dog, best friend, and “brother-from-another-mother” had passed away lying next to him in his bed. And as I broke down, he blinked his eyes and began to come back around. About ten minutes later he was my sweet puppy again. But he continued with the seizures every two hours after that throughout the night. He is still part of this family and we will love our puppy for as long as he will have us.

And if that isn’t enough, Shane has had an awful month. It hasn’t been this bad since last year about this time. The last 3-4 weeks have been some of the hardest we have had in awhile. When I say hardest, I mean physically exhausting and emotionally draining.

I love my son, very much. I would move heaven and earth for him if I could.

I hate that he has to struggle as he tries to figure out how to function in a world that is so much more different than he is. He is a round peg, trying desperately to fit into a square hole. I am thankful for those few people who appreciate who he is and celebrate his little daily wins with me (you know who you are). Most days, I have had to fight these battles alone. Thankfully, his father will be moving back to Reno soon and I will have some relief and daily support.

We adjusted his meds again recently as he is growing and is now at a point that he needs a maximum dosage, but it seems that the higher the dosage the harder the come down is at night for him. I have to race him home to get homework and chores done before his meds start to wear off or I struggle all night to keep him on task. Lately, his “come downs” have been occurring earlier. He already doesn’t transition well from being at school all day to coming home at night.

So we started on a new medication. He takes the same dosage of concerta he took before. Concerta is a stimulant that helps him focus, stay on task, and controls his hyperactivity throughout the day. However, he also has a lot of problems with aggression and impulse issues which is generally where he tends to get in trouble. In order to feel comfortable, he has to control his surroundings at all times. It is the OCD part of ADHD. Everything has to be “just so”, and rules have to be followed by everyone else. So if something falls out of that comfort zone, he becomes determined to fix it so he is comfortable again. So, in order to bring down the aggression and impulse issues, he started taking another medication. So, while one is bringing him up, the other is bringing him down hoping to find a balance in the middle somewhere. I feel like I am conducting yet another scientific experiment on my child. And at the end of the day, I know I am doing what I can do to try to make things better for him, but I just wish there was an easier way.

I sometimes wish I would wake up and he wouldn’t have to deal with this disability (YES, DISABILITY), I hate seeing him suffer with his own struggles both independently and socially. It breaks my heart that he is watched like a hawk to make sure he isn’t putting other children at danger, that he rarely is invited to birthday parties, or sleepovers. We have wonderful friends in our neighborhood who have been great with Shane, and I can always count on them to love and accept him for who he is. I appreciate all they do and their acceptance of him because it is rare. I get it; I understand he is so difficult to handle at times so I don’t take it personally when he is left out of the social circles of his different friends. He seems to be okay with it, so that’s all that matters to me. But I am forever grateful to that family who is so sensitive to his needs.

I’ve also continued my training. I am determined to participate in all of my 5k’s, triathlon, and two new events this year – Tough Mudder and The DaVita Ride. Both will test my endurance and will be some of the most difficult physical tests I have ever had. There I go jumping in with two feet again (how many feet do I have, you ask??)

Oh and to top it off, I decided that during the month of January, I made the choice NOT to drink any alcohol or soda. Okay, so I cheated with a few little 8 oz cans of Pepsi Max during wrestling. Sometimes those things get really slow and I need a pick me up! What can I say?

So, needless to say, I am VERY grateful for February. And the rest of 2013 should be a cake walk, right?

"Life is a Highway" as the song says....

How much fun would life be if the paths we took was one straight road? No twists, no turns, nothing unexpected. Sometimes I think we all wish we could see straight ahead. There would be no questions about what is to come. There would be no surprises when something unexpected happened because you would be able to see it from a mile away if heading down a straight path. You could plan accordingly because you would know exactly what was coming from miles away. You could mentally prepare, have a plan of attack, develop strategies and have the right tools ready. How much easier would everything be if you could just SEE what was coming? Everything would sure be easier, but would it be any fun to know what’s coming? Maybe “FUN” isn’t the right word….


Unfortunately, life just isn’t that way.

Life is a mountainous road. Yes, a very windy, steep, curvy road. Sometimes there are ups and other times there are downs. Sometimes you come to a turn that requires you to slow down to a very safe speed so you don’t go over the edge.(yikes!) Some see these types of roads “fun”, but they are more often stressful and hard to maneuver through as opposed to “fun”….. At least for me.

When I traveled to Sedona this last summer with the family, there was a road that reminds me so much of my life. Realistically, it was about a 10 mile long road. It took about 45 minutes to travel that part of the highway because of its hair pin turns, steep climbs and dips, and all of the foliage that blocked our view from seeing the road ahead. If I went too fast, I felt like I was putting the family at risk. If I went too slowly, the cars around me would get so annoyed; they would tailgate me until I pulled over to let them pass. But each time we had to climb this road, or descend into the canyon on this road, the pressure I felt getting to and from our destination was stressful because I wanted to make sure I was making the right decisions with my driving to ensure everyone’s safety.

Certainly a car is much easier to maneuver on a steep road than life is. No matter how much I try to control the way I maneuver through life, it just doesn’t seem to get easier. When I was younger and less cautious, I would whip around those turns in life and go for it. Not really thinking about the impact. I wonder some days how I got through it all unscathed. Over time, I have significantly slowed down to a more cautious speed. I want to make the right decisions for myself and my family. I want to make sure that they are all safe. But sometimes, those turns are just too much and I can’t necessarily control all of the elements surrounding me. All I can control is my reaction, how I handle myself in certain situations. That in itself is not the easiest thing. I now have to remember that my decisions ultimately affect a little boy who is sitting in the backseat, trusting me to get him where he needs to go which makes me slow way down and think a little more cautiously about how I approach different situations.

My decisions have led me to even more unexpected twists and turns. Occasionally I have to stop and take a deep breath, but I hold onto the wheel and keep going. It is a very long road that could end at any moment. Life is definitely more interesting when you don’t know what is to come. But some days, I really wouldn’t mind if I could get a straight patch of road for awhile....

This summer brought change

Summer blew by way too fast.  It always does, but this year seemed to be on hyperdrive.  It went by so fast that it seems like three months ago was years ago, and in that time I have grown and changed in ways I didn't really envision when the summer began.

A lot has happened that has changed the direction of my personal development.  I observed and lived through many experiences that have caused my perspectives to switched gears.  My life has taken on a different focus, which will bring many changes.....very difficult changes. 

I won't get into the details now as they are still too personal to share.  But what is to come is scary, exciting, terrible, and liberating....all at the same time.  It is a lot of emotion for one person to feel.  I have no idea where this road is about to take me because it is one I have never traveled before.  All I know is that I have to follow the road and take the journey I am about to embark on if I want things to improve. 

Many know of the struggles I have had throughout my life.  I don't keep them a secret because it is all part of who I am.  I try not to regret too many things that have happened in my life, but occassionally I can't help but think "what if".  In that lesson I have learned to take a deep breath and evaluate circumstances much more carefully before jumping in with two feet not knowing how deep the water is.

Even though I have no idea what is to come, I know I can handle whatever comes next.  I know that whatever comes will have great lessons for me.  I know that I will be better all around.  I firmly believe that life isn't about living every day in the safe zone.  So many people would rather live in misery knowing what tomorrow will bring rather than make changes, because it is safe.  Taking risks is very scary.  Change is very scary.  But taking risks and making changes in order to improve things for yourself and your family is always worth it.  My decisions may not always be popular, accepted, and people may place judgement on me...but I'm okay with that.  After all, it's my life and I don't need the approval of others because that is not what I am seeking.

What am I seeking?  Peace within myself.  I want to be happy with who I am, be the person I was meant to be, and most of all, be the mother my son deserves.  At this point in my life, it is all I want for ME.

To assume or not to assume....

That is the question as I sit here on a plane for 5 hours. I am realizing that this is probably my biggest issue with communication breakdown. I am just going to come out and say it....I have been seeing a therapist. And you know what? I am not ashamed of it. I have come to understand that life is so hard sometimes. Sometimes it really helps to have an impartial view, someone who will listen. Rather than find fault, he helps me understand who I am and how I can improve my communication skills so I can have healthy relationships.

One thing he has lead me to see is that I assume a lot in my relationships, during conversations where emotions may run high, I will tend to read nonverbal cues or react to past experiences which bring back memories or feelings of hurt in the past. Rather than clarify what is happening in the conversation, I may react or jump to conclusions. I become a mind reader and immediately decide that the other person must be thinking and feeling the way I am interpreting. One of two things happen, I shut down or I lose my mind. It's really a roll of the dice.

After the discussion about how people tend to assume rather than ask clarifying questions, I started to notice how often I assume. I don't do it ALL the time. Sometimes I can step back and ask questions. But depending on the sensitivity of the situation or the relationship, sometimes it is easier to take step back where other times, I ride the wave of emotions and see where I end up. There have been many things happening in my life, in my relationships, where I have needed to retrain my brain. It is NOT easy. But, I have to say that it is easier to take that step back and try to ask questions, remind myself not to assume what another is thinking or feeling. Easier than having to go back and repair the damage I may have done as a result no matter if my assumptions were correct or not.

I have had many experiences that have reshaped my thought process throughout life. With experience in life, comes a lesson to be learned. I do appreciate all of the experiences I have. I recognize that those experiences have made me who I am. They have brought happiness, pain, joy, and sadness. But somedays I wish I could erase the memories of the feelings I have had at times because I do struggle with misinterpreting others as a result.

So as I communicate at work, in my family relationships, in my friendships I will try to ask myself, "I am assuming? Do I really know what he/she means? Are they really meaning to hurt me?". Usually not, and so far, I have a much easier time communicating my own feelings if I start to ask questions rather than react.

I do know there are many people out there who use manipulation and passive aggressiveness as a weapon in communication. I don't think that is a healthy way to build relationships and I try not to engage in it. I usually try to avoid those types of relationships altogether. But, at the end of the day I am responsible for me. I have to look in the mirror and feel good about what I have said or done over the course of the day. Some nights I lose sleep over how I may have responded to an email, text, or in a conversation. So I will continue in my quest of retraining my brain not to assume and to overcome those feelings of my past that cause me to react.

I am sure I am not the only one who struggles with this. Otherwise why would books be written about it? So just ask yourself "to assume or not?". Relationships may depend on it.