ADHD Awareness Week

Many of you, like me, probably had no idea there was even a week that brought awareness to ADHD. I don’t think anyone can really appreciate this unless you really live the experiences of having a child with ADHD or being an adult with ADHD.

For those who have read my blog, you know the struggles Shane and I have had over the years. He has had so many ups and downs. I wanted to share his story one more time in support of ADHD awareness week and for those who don’t believe that ADHD is a true condition that can really cripple a child’s ability to function in society alongside his or her peers. Until you have lived it, you really cannot possibly understand. I know that there are many disabilities out there; so many that create hardships that are much more challenging than ours. But NO ONE has the right NOT to take this disability just as seriously as others. If not treated properly, children with ADHD struggle their entire lives. They have the potential to become alcoholics, drug addicts, high school drop outs, criminals, suicidal, or just live life by “getting by” without ever really reaching their full potential. Society tends to turn their back on them because no one understands how to socialize with them or find ways to help them succeed because it can be exhausting. The hardest thing about these last few years is seeing how many people choose, time and again, to turn their back on my son because they just don’t understand or how many people have turned their back on me because they think it is my fault for not being more disciplined with him.

When Shane was 18 months old, he began to show signs of his ADHD. I did not know it until recently, but children with ADHD will typically start to develop those “symptoms”, on average, at about 2 years of age. Shane began a bit earlier than that. His babysitter at the time did not know what to do about his multiple tantrums that were so violent, she would have to just stand back and let him go for fear he may cause her harm. His father and I had divorced when he was just barely a year old, so we thought that he was just having a hard time with that. But as time went on, he continued to struggle with tantrums, separation anxiety, serious behavioral problems at his daycares, and outright defiance to any form of authority. By the time he was 7 years old, he had been through 7 daycares. Every daycare claimed to be able to help him, and every single one quit on him when things became too difficult. I had one daycare that used to put him in a corner of the room by himself because they did not know “what to do with him”, there solution was to isolate him and ignore him during the course of the day. The director at his Private Kindergarten class and daycare told me that they just didn’t have the resources to meet his needs (the kindergarten class had ten children in it). He has thrown desks in classrooms, hit teachers, said inappropriate things, and his impulses are out of control. I developed positive programs with a few of these daycare programs, but their consistency usually fell apart after a few weeks and they would tell me they “can’t do the positive reinforcement any longer because it wasn’t fair to the other children”. Day after day, tear after tear, I looked at my boy, wondering where I had failed him as a mother. Wondering what I should have done differently in his early development to avoid all of these issues. I blamed myself for so many things and felt that “if only I had done XYZ different, maybe he wouldn’t be this way.” These first years of his life were the longest, hardest years I have ever experienced. I would get anxiety every time my phone rang, I felt helpless and out of control every day, and every time I would go to pick him up I would need to take a deep breath because I wouldn’t know what kind of report I would be getting.

Almost a year ago, a friend of mine who happens to be a behavioral specialist, suggested he may be ADHD. I said, “no way” because he had shown so many signs of reasons why he couldn’t be (turns out those signs, called “hyper-focus” is actually a symptom). She asked me if I had ever actually read about ADHD and what it actually is. I had to admit that I hadn’t. I was being ignorant and making a judgment call when I hadn’t even attempted to learn the facts. I went home that night and started researching. After a week of research, I had realized that I needed to start the process of having him evaluated.

The way society and the media talks, you would think that it is easy to get someone diagnosed with ADHD. I don’t think anyone really and truly appreciates how difficult it really is. Shane went through two different assessments, one with the school psychologist and one with a clinical psychologist. His teachers were so helpful with me through this, answering questions and giving information to the psychologists. The principal met with me on a few occasions to help me understand what I needed to do as a parent to get him in the correct programs. My son’s struggles continued to worsen. At one point my 7-yr-old sweet boy looked at me and told me he didn’t want to live anymore. When your baby says that to you, at such a young age, something snaps inside of you and I was determined to make these people listen to me and the needs of my baby boy. I was no longer only his mother, but I became his advocate as well. I was not about to let him suffer for one more day. After 5 months of evaluations and meetings, I finally got a diagnosis. I finally got someone to see what I saw and we made a decision to get him on ADHD medication. Deciding on medication truly is a big ‘ol science experiment. The psychiatrist told me that it could be ADHD or anxiety, the only way to know was to treat one or the other. So he asked me which one I thought we should treat. He told me the pros and cons of each side. After some thought and consideration of the risks, I decided to go with the ADHD medication. Instinctively, I felt that the anxiety was a result of the years of being punished and disciplined for constant behavior problems. Within weeks of this decision, I started to see a change. Months later as we started 2nd grade, it became clear that we went the right direction in treating the ADHD first. The psychiatrist felt that we had the right diagnosis and after some experimentation with the medication, it seems as though we have the right combination. Between changing his diet, increasing his Omega-3’s, the behavioral therapy, and the medication….I now get to sit back and watch my son enjoy life in every aspect.

Here are just a few comparisons from “Then” and “Now”:

THEN – 1st grade homework took on average, 1 hour to complete. Taking out the garbage from the kitchen to the outside trashcan would take 30 minutes if I didn’t follow him. When teachers would correct him on his schoolwork, he would throw a tantrum to the point the teacher had to remove him from the classroom. He would spend more time a football practice poking and messing with the kids around him, he would have to run all practice. I lost count of how many times his coach told him to “pay attention”. Children isolated him, teased him, bullied him because it was really fun for them to push his buttons and watch him explode. He was removed from general population recess because he was fighting every day. He was terrified to try new things or take risks because he was so tired of failing at everything.

NOW – He completes his homework on the 10-minute bus ride home. He not only takes out the trash, but he can vacuum the house, pick up after the dog, and make himself a snack in less than 30 minutes. He can even make himself scrambled eggs! He is now allowed to mentor and tutor the students in his class because he is so advanced in math. He is called a role model in class. Children want to play with him and be around him because he is encouraging and kind. He plays at recess with all of the children because he now can control his impulse and can think a little better about his consequences when he makes choices. He actually watches the football games on the sidelines. He has been allowed to learn new skills because he listens and is teachable. He has also helped his teammates by encouraging them to try. He is not afraid of risks. He tries new things and he doesn’t give up if it doesn’t work out.

One thing I have learned in all of this is that every child deserves to be given a chance, to have the adults around them give them everything they can to make their lives special and happy. Every child needs tolerance and patience from the adults in their lives, but children with ADHD need this more than anything. Shane has had a few people who have shown him love, acceptance, tolerance, and patience. A few that have never given up on him or turned their back on us. I thank them for this because it has made a difference for both of us.

My son never used to smile every day; the smile that tells a mother that he is happy, content, and feeling the joys of being a kid. I was terrified that I would never see this smile on my sons face. ADHD is a very challenging and difficult disability because it is difficult to diagnose and difficult for society to accept as a real disability. It is all too often just not taken seriously.

I now see that smile every day. We still have a very long road ahead of us, but I have hope that he will grow to his fullest potential and learn to live a life of love and fulfillment. He may struggle, but we now have the tools he needs to overcome his struggles. He has the support and the guidance that everyone needs to get through life.

As the week of ADHD Awareness comes to an end, I hope that folks will take this a little more seriously and learn more about what ADHD is as opposed to the myths and judgments that have been made about ADHD children and adults. I am hoping my son’s story will help others identify children like him and rather than dismiss the child as a “problem child”, maybe show that child a little more compassion, patience, and tolerance. Like my son, children and adults with ADHD need that acceptance and love. They deserve just as much as any other human being. They may not be the easiest people to live with, but they are some of the smartest, funniest, most lovable people you will ever meet… Just like my boy is.

Shane - Meds update

My worst subject in school was Chemistry. It never interested me long enough to hold my attention. I just did what I needed to in order to pass the class.

Now that Shane is on meds, I feel like I am living a chemistry class. Our first month on Concerta was actually pretty good. So many people noticed a big change in him. During the day, it was like magic. But once the meds started to wear off in the evenings, he started to “spin”. He would become highly energized suddenly, difficult to keep focused, getting him to bed was exhausting, and his mood swings would come back in full force. As happy as I was that he was doing so much better in during the day, I was still struggling with him in the evenings. It was very hard that the time I had with him was still a struggle. I wanted to be able to spend some good quality time with him as well.  Not too mention, his football practices will be starting this month and the time he was "spinning" was right at the time football practice would be held.  I spoke to Shane’s doctor and he felt we could switch him to a different medication.

Can I just say….whoa.

We switched him to 20mg of Vyvanse. The time release is supposed to be longer with none of the withdrawal effects he was having with the Concerta.

No offense, but it is like living with a pregnant woman. I can think of no better way to describe it. The change it caused in him has been a bit overwhelming. I was interested to spend the entire day with him yesterday to see how things would go. In the first few hours, he was great! As the day wore on, I saw him exhibit behaviors I have never seen before.

Suffice to say, I now feel like I am putting my poor boy through an array of science experimentation. I called his doctor first thing this morning and left a message that this new medication is not working out. So I imagine we will try something different and start a new process. Everyone responds differently to medications and unfortunately, you just don’t know what is going to happen until you go through the process.

And so the story will continue….

So Beautiful, I had to share

I came across a poem last night that brought me to tears.  It describes my son to a tee and it told me two things. 

1.  I am not alone
2. My son is not alone

So many wonderful people and children are out there that are struggling as we do and I am so fortunate to have found these pages where I can find people with similar challenges.  When I feel weak, I draw from their strength.  I also have a new community in which I can offer support.  Shane has a disorder that many people think they know, but really do not understand.  Children with ADHD are different.  Most people avoid them or judge them.  But these children are most often the sweetest, smartest children of the bunch.  But because they are different, people struggle to understand and relate to them.  These children make us adapt and change our own way of doing things.  Not many people can accept that.  It is easier to turn away than to look at yourself and decide how you can change to help another person succeed. 

My son is the best thing that has ever happened to me because he makes me look at myself and change how I approach everything in life.  Embracing that change, has truly been difficult, but very rewarding.  My bond with my child is that much stronger because of it.

So this poem is for my son.  Who loves me unconditionally through all of my imperfections and parental mistakes.

My A.D.H.D CHILD

BY TRACY
http://www.facebook.com/#!/HelpYourADHDChild

He’s bouncin’ off walls, a super ball gone insane.
He runs through your world like an off-rail freight train,
Interruptions are constant, tantrums galore,
When it’s time to do homework, he’s gone, out the door.
The drama is constant, oh his foot fell asleep,
He moans and he wails, the theatrics run deep.
School is a nightmare, the teachers are lost,
If they could only see, he is worth the cost.

He is brighter than most, as most kids are,
And with patience and love, I know he’ll go far,
But what I must take from well meaning friends
Don’t let him do that. Oh these rules that he bends.
You’re not a good parent. Your child’s really rude.
His temper’s Outrageous. He has hands in his food.
He hears and he wonders, just what’s’ wrong with me?

I tell him, your special, you have A.D.H.D.
Now A.D.H.D is a gift from above,
It teaches us how to strengthen our love
It helps to teach your teachers, no two kids are the same.
You have awesome energy that could bring you great fame.
You don’t need much sleep, you never wear down.
You’re silly and funny, when you act like a clown.
You’ve felt lots of pain from what people have said,
But you pray for those people when you go to bed.
So you try every day to make a fresh start,
For God gifted you with an extra big heart.

As I look at my child, he sees through my soul.
My heart feels like busting, as I realize my goal.
I know this boy like no one else could,
He’s blessed to me, he’s strong and he’s good.
So I’ll love him and guide him through the worst of the worst,
And he’ll make a great man (if I don’t kill him first).

I’m kidding of course ‘cause I know what’s to be,
When I look in his eyes, I see a reflection of me.

Let the Trial and Error of Medication Begin

Thursday I was able to finally meet with a psychiatrist with Shane.

The first question he asks me…. “Are you open to medication?”

This was the moment I have been hoping for in the past month or two. I feel like I have done everything I can to help Shane. Although there are improvements, he is still struggling every day. What hurts my heart the most is watching his self-esteem deteriorate.

Yet, as the psychiatrist asked me that question, "Are you open to medication", the last 6 years flashed through my mind. It’s amazing how long a second of thoughts takes to go through your mind.

I thought of my sweet baby boy and all of his daily struggles. I thought of the 7 daycares that we have had to leave. All of the phone calls from his caregivers that have had no idea what to do. My baby’s many tears of hurt and frustration as he has tried so hard to learn how to live day after day, feeling like he has no control over what he does and doesn’t do. I thought of the parenting books I have read over the years, therapists I have seen, and discussion after discussion to find answers. My own frustration and losing my patience so often because I am at a loss in how to raise this boy.

All of a sudden, I felt like a failure. I felt like I was giving up and had lost all confidence in myself to help my son. For a split second, I wanted to say “no, I don’t want to do medication! I can do this!”

Then, reality set in. The last 6 years have been so hard. Admitting I need help, is not a weakness. I took a deep breath and pushed those feelings and thoughts out. I remembered that this is just the next step in what needs to happen to help him. I reminded myself that I have done everything I can do and this is where I need to let go. None of that is easy for me. But, as I exhaled, I said to him “Yes, I am open to medication.”

Then the overwhelming information came flooding in, which diagnosis to treat first. Shane has ADHD and Anxiety. His anxiety is more than likely caused as a result from the years of being disciplined for his behavior issues rather than treating the ADHD. So, we felt it was best to treat the ADHD first.  The anxiety did not seem to be the primary issue, but a result of the many years of struggling with controlling the behavior.  The big concern was if the stimulants of the ADHD medication would increase his anxiety levels or if the anxiety would be controlled in managing the chemical imbalance n the frontal lobe that causes the ADHD.  I opted for going right for the root.  We can always make changes down the road, but I have always been a believer to treat the root, not just the symptoms.  So we have begun the trial and error process of medication. It is not a perfect process, nor will I know what is most effective until we start to see results, positive or negative. Time to gather all of the patience I can find and get ready for the ride.


After our conversation, I continued to drift off into my memories of the years of struggles.  It broke my heart to think that in all those years, I contributed to his anxiety. My lack of knowledge only aggravated his condition and made his life that much harder.  It nearly brought me to tears.  I realized however, I cannot think of that. I truly feel I am on the right track now. My past mistakes are just that - my past.  He is still so young and so capable of many things in his life. There is so much hope that I have to be grateful that we are here now. Even though I have those regrets, I have to let them go and realize that we are doing the right things now.
Parenting is already a guessing game. But, raising Shane has been far more than a guessing game. It is more like a gigantic maze in which you cannot see if you are going in the right direction until you hit a wall and have to turn around to try a different direction. I can’t go back the way I came, I just have to move forward in order to find the end. And just for the record – I am terrible at mazes. Raising Tyler and Bailey has had its challenges. But comparatively, their challenges are pretty text book as far as childrearing is concerned. Shane’s challenges have left us bewildered at times. But at the same time, he has taught me far more about me and about life, than any other experience I have ever had.

So, I'm ready to keep moving forward.  Ready for the next wall I run into during the course of this maze that may take me in a new direction.

I Love Happy Accidents!

Sometimes I have an idea that isn’t really thought out, I just do it not really expecting anything to come from it. Not long ago, I had what I like to call a “Happy Accident”. I did something just because I was having a crazy evening and my brain was having a hard time staying on track.

About two weeks ago, I had a crazy night. I picked up all the children and came home. Tyler and Bailey have their routines. They are awesome at coming home and doing what they need to do. But, I still spend some time with them going over their grades and listening to the happenings of their lives, making sure I am keeping up with their activities as well. At the same time, Shane still had to finish some homework and has a really hard time on the nights that Tyler and Bailey are there because he has to share my attention. They can also be very distracting because he likes to know what everyone is doing all the time. He hates to share my attention with anyone so he does everything he can to get my attention on these nights. When it is just him and I, he knows he can get my attention at any point so he doesn’t act up nearly as much. It is like I’m running a three-ring circus around the house when the day is over, especially during the days when there are extracurricular activities.

One evening in particular, he had homework to finish, dinner to eat, we were baking a cake for Troy for his birthday, nightly chores, and he had to get ready for bed. For Tyler and Bailey, these tasks are robotic for them. They just know this is our routine, every night. For Shane, he doesn't function as easily as the other two with his routine. Children with ADHD struggle with sequencing. If something distracts them, they get off task very easily. They also cannot go from A-B-C without being constantly reminded of the routine. I still have a great deal of things that I am trying to do for the family and for me. That night, I had so sit with Shane through everything he had to get done. I had to sit with him while he read his book and his sight words, sit with him and keep him focused on eating dinner, walk him through taking out the trash and cleaning up his room. All the while trying to give Tyler and Bailey the attention they need, getting dinner prepared, and trying to get a quick run or workout done for me.

Needless to say, Shane and I were both having a very hard time staying on track with what needed to be done. So, on a whim, I wrote down everything that I needed Shane to focus on and all the things I needed to get done for the evening. I do make lists on occasion when I am overwhelmed because it helps me stay focused. At the end of our list was “watch TV”. That was the light at the end of our tunnel. The rest of the night, when he got lost or off task, I would refer him back to his “to-do” list to get him back on track. If I got confused or forgot what was next for him to do, I could refer back to the list. It was amazing how much easier that was for both of us. I tried it the next evening and the next morning. Again, things ran a bit more smoothly for us. So, I decided to get him a dry erase board for his room where we could right down his to-do list every morning to get ready for school and every afternoon when we got home. At the end of each list is “Watch TV”. And because he is very structured, his brain does not skip around the board. He has to follow the list exactly as it is written. He absolutely will not go out of order. So, until everything else is done, he will not watch TV. It is very interesting to watch how he functions sometimes. In many cases, I can use his tendencies to my advantage. It’s learning what they are that is pretty tricky. Of course, we have checks and balances to make sure he is actually completing the task on his list because I am well aware that he could just cross something off a list without actually doing it. In the mornings, my goal is to make sure he is sitting in front of the TV, backpack ready, and jacket on, so when it’s time to go there is not scrambling to make sure everything has been done. So far, things have been working with this new idea, my “Happy Accident”. We still have our struggles, he still has challenges with staying focused on task. This is definitely not a magic cure, but it has helped so much.

As I have been reading books on ADHD, they actually recommended creating a list like this or a chart that helps them stay on task. I felt pretty smart for coming up with this one on my own. :) And it is good to see Shane getting through his list in a positive way rather than having me nag him and get after him, which is more negative for him. He actually feels a sense of accomplishment every time he marks something off his list. We both feel much more confident and I am not nearly as anxious about what our afternoons are going to look like now. I’m sure the same goes for him as well.