For my sister, Shawna I love both of my sisters, Shawna and Crystal. They are two of my best friends and I love them dearly. I know I don’t tell them enough how much I adore them. I have still lived with Shawna longer than anyone else in my life. We shared a bedroom from the time she was born until I was a senior in high school. Roughly 15 years. She has been my best friend, my confidante, and a wonderful role model throughout my life. As kids, we played so many games together. We had the same Barbies, we both had cabbage patch dolls, we played so many make believe games, and would often sing and dance to music in our bedroom together. We were inseparable as teenagers. I can’t remember too often the times when I would go to events and she wouldn’t be there. My friends called her “little dawn”, which she claimed to hate, but I think she secretly liked it. haha I loved having her around. I can’t ever remember feeling like she was infringing on my space, as older siblings tend to. Then there were all those times we would "hide" in our room, talking about life, boys, and giggling as teenage girls tend to do. We would fight as sisters did, but we always worked it out together. Our discussions would sometimes be silly, but other times be deep and serious. She would give advice and listen, I didn't always agree, but loved sharing everything with her even if she didn't. I don't know how I could have ever survived my teenage years with out her. As adults, we have taken different routes, but my sister has never judged me or made me feel like my choices made me a bad person even if she disagreed with them. She is the most honest friend I have, which I appreciate. I prefer honest friends. She never holds back and I always know what she is thinking and feeling. I admire her for the strength she has to be that kind of person for it truly takes a strong person to be able to speak their feelings honestly. She set a standard for other friends. Now we are grown, with our own children. We have our own day-to-day struggles, and we have led very different adult lives. But she is always there when I need her, even if I have not always reached out to her. Some days I am sad that we aren’t as close as we were as kids. But, then we get together and it is as if we were never apart. I realize that we are bonded in a way that cannot be broken even if we aren’t together for a long period of time. Because of that bond, we will always be close. Shawna, I love you. Thank you for being my closest, long-time dearest friend. I appreciate your example of courage and strength. I love you for who you are, for your honesty, sense of humor, sarcasm, and acceptance of our differences. I look forward to many more years of fun and friendship!

Closing the door... Permanently

Last year I entered a blog about my decision to let go of the possibility of having more children, accepting that it just wasn't going to happen for me again. Well, of course that was a solid decision but certainly not permanent.

I have been having some health issues over the past 2 years. Health issues that resurfaced from the last time I faced infertility. I pretty much realized that they were all related which was why I made the decision not to have any more children. I hoped that maybe by making that decision everything would go back to normal.

Nothing is back to normal and in fact, the problems have just become worse. It is to the point now where I experience pain and/or discomfort on some level on a daily basis. I came to the realization that it was possible that one of the causes for my infertility had returned and decided to see the ob/gyn. We Discussed my history and my options, and scheduled tests.

She also asked me if I planned on having anymore children. I told her I wasn't sure. She told me that I had to make a decision because that would determine my course of treatment. That night, as Troy and I talked about it, the answer was so obvious. The reasons why we shouldn't far outweighed my reasons to. Economically and financially, it just doesn't make sense to start all over again with a new baby. Emotionally, I just didn't feel like I had enjoyed Shane enough when he was a baby. All of my parental regrets came to the surface and my heart told me that if I had another baby, it would be a second chance for me. But again, emotionally, there is never a gauruntee that another baby was even phyically possible. So, for once I bypassed my heart and listened to my head. Reason took over and I finally said outloud that I did not think it was a good idea for us to try to have anymore children. I then told Troy that I wanted to include a tubal ligation in my surgery in order to permenantly close any opportunities and remove all hope from ever having another. I decided it is time for me to move on with my life and accept that the family I have now is the family I was meant to have. I was heartbroken. I cried - which apparently is very confusing for men to understand. His question was that if I feel like I made the right decision, why was I crying? I just explained that I was sad. Sometimes, the right decision isn't always easy. This is the hardest decision I have ever made.

I had an ultrasound and labs in the past few days. Today the doctor called and confirmed that my endometriosis had more than likely returned. I have a cyst on one of my ovaries, that is not filled with fluid, but is more than likely the result of the endometriosis. She felt surgery was the way to go and at that point I told her that I also wanted to have my tubes tied while she was taking care of the endometriosis. Seems appropriate to just kill two birds with one stone. She asked if I was sure, that this was permanent. I told her I was certain.

When I hung up, I began to cry again. I just spent some time with my sisters and their families. They each have little girls that look exactly like them. My stepdaughter, as wonderful as she is and as fortunate as I am to have her in my life, has a mother of her own. Her and I have our own special relationship, but there is something about a mother and a daughter that is also special. Watching my sisters with their little girls made me realize that I will never have that. I called Troy after I spoke to the doctor and could only sit on the phone and cry. Again, it was hard for him to understand. I still told him it is the right decision but I am sad. He said the best thing he could, "I'm here for whatever you need, I won't try to fix it, but I am here." It was probably the best response anyone could have given me. I was able to pull myself together and get through the rest of my day.

I'm sure every parent goes through this once they decide they are done having children. But, this is a bit different. And like I said, I am sad, but at the same time a weight is lifted off of me knowing that I won't have to continue to wonder every month if this is the month, if maybe by some miracle I would get pregnant again. I am so grateful for the one chance I did have to experience pregnancy, childbirth, and having a baby of my own. I wouldn't trade it for anything. He is my miracle. I know there are so many other women out there that don't even get to experience what I have and my heart truly goes out to them. I wish I could help them.

Now, I will look forward to enjoying better health once my surgery is complete. I have many other things to look forward to and I am glad I will finally have this closure so I can move on with my life and enjoy every precious minute I have with my family.

A Night under the stars!

My boy is so sweet and somewhat of a nerd - like myself. Although he is SUCH an energetic individual, he is also smart and thoughtful.

One day, he came home with a book he somehow inherited from somewhere - It was a book about the stars! It had sky maps of the stars and explained each consolation. He immediately started looking through it and asking questions about each consolation on the pages. I decided we HAD to go up into the hills behind our house to look at the stars so he could see how it all comes together. He was so excited!

We live in a part of town that is a bit more remote, has NO streetlights, and has some great spots to spread out a blanket and look at the stars. The only problem with my plan - it was about 10 degrees at night. Darn my California brain! I forget so often about the weather around here.

Regardless, we braved the cold, packed up some hot cocoa and head for the hills....

No matter if he actually learned anything - It was peaceful and we enjoyed spending some special time together.