I am unfriendly and hostile….

Part of being a working mom, is finding daycare. UGH. Of course no one will ever love your child the way you can. No one could possibly care of him the way you could. Try finding daycare for a child who has unseen special needs. Find one willing to work with a child who has a behavior disorder that many in society blame on “bad parenting”.

I once received a very ugly letter from a woman who claims to be an expert in childcare and early childhood education. My favorite quote from her letter was “You are unfriendly and hostile”. Of course there is quite some history that goes along to what led up to this point, but my strong will and passion as a mother was perceived as “unfriendly and hostile”. It would be nice if I could just be appreciated as a mother who wants to create a peaceful environment for her son. It would be nice to actually get the kind of childcare I was promised and told I could expect from her and her staff.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a no-nonsense person. I am straight to the point, I fight for what I believe is right with both fists, and I do not back down until I am heard. Even if I don’t win – I will be heard. I am a sales manager, working in a field dominated by men. My communication style is honest, direct, but diplomatic. I call a spade a spade. I can be tough when I need to be, but overall, I am fair and I can certainly accept when I am wrong (as I am a lot). Over the years I have learned to pick my battles and accept my losses. There was a time I would throw full blown tantrums to get things to go my way, but I have mellowed a bit and have learned to let go and be accepting of the outcome I receive.

When it comes to these battles, the mama bear claws do come out. I feel justified especially when I feel we are not being treated fairly or being heard. When you pay a caregiver to make sure your son is being cared for, I don’t think it is too much to ask that they listen to what I need since I am a paying customer and they essentially are working for me. However, I was told that they “should not have to come to me” or “track me down” if my son is having issues. They are “too busy to communicate with me at my convenience”, although they expect me to “fix” my child’s issues FOR them.

You would think in all their experience, all of the caregivers he has been with (8 different daycares in 7 years) they would have picked up on the possibility that he may have ADHD. Especially since children with ADHD start to show signs as early as 18 months. But it is not so easy when the disability your child has does not impact his physical capabilities. And I don’t mean to disrespect those who have special needs above and beyond what my son has; however, special needs children are not always obvious. Children who have special needs, such as Shane’s, are typically overlooked because he appears to not have a disability; he is healthy, strong, very smart, and very physically able. His caregivers have all missed the obvious signs. They continued to look to me to “fix his issues” without me being there to see the full picture. It’s a secret magic potion that other working mothers MUST have. I must have missed the memo on how to get some of that since every other working mom has the capability of “fixing” their children without being around during the course of the day to understand what the problems are. My “fix” is typically directed as his caregivers because they are the adults and I rely on them to help me understand what is going on and what needs to be done to help Shane. This doesn't usually go over very well.

He has been continuously targeted, which to me is bullying. I urge other parents to see these as red flags. I was too naïve to realize what was going on. If I had to do it over again, they would be dealing with a bull rather than a bear. At one time, he was watched by cameras from the classroom. There were times they would notice he was behaving in a matter which they felt was inappropriate or "dangerous" even though his teacher said most of his antics were related to “being a boy”. But even a poke or a a laugh would cause him to be immediately removed from the classroom because the director felt he was “bullyish and distruptive”. The smallest incident would erupt into an escalated tantrum (which is scary in itself) because she would yank him from the room (physically), isolate him from the children, yell at him when he wouldn’t give her the answers she wanted, interrogate him to find out what was going on in his mind, all which made him feel like there was something wrong with him. Other times, parents that have known us from other daycares have gone to the school’s before/after school to let them know that Shane “doesn’t belong there and if they aren’t careful, they will be held liable for any harm done to other children.” My son has never done anything malicious to hurt anyone, not even a fly. But since they were warned, he was again, targeted. And the kids like to push his buttons because he is that kid. He is the one the kids like to get in trouble - “Watch what happens when we make him mad! It’s so fun! And then HE gets in trouble! Such a great game!” … for them. All of these incidents have only traumatized my sweet little boy.

So, as I have tried to express these needs to his so-called caregivers over the years, I am often told “we don’t have time to meet his needs” or “we have other children we are concerned about, not just Shane” or “we do not have the staff capability to be able to give him that kind of attention”, even though every time I looked to enroll him in a new facility, I specifically sought out organizations that would be willing to work with us. It is amazing that they all claimed to be the ones to help him. I have tried to fight for my son, tried to be his voice, but it is frustrating when you are not heard. I can only imagine his frustration as he struggles with feelings and worries that are too big for his young mind to comprehend.

I still fight for him despite the name calling. Every time I get a call, every time I get an email (and there are many) my question to them is “and what are you going to do on your end to help change this situation?” I have been open about his needs, open about what I am doing to move down the path to get the resources I need as a parent. I always meet the school in the middle and support them 100%. But I also support my son 100%. I have had to be proactive, very firm, very vocal, and have shed quite a few tears in front of perfect strangers. At the same time, I have found wonderful people who have been there to help, extending assistance and advice. I would not have found these resources without them. So, as far as I am concerned, every fight will be worth the end result.

For now, we have quit daycare - altogether. I have no faith in any of them. I have had the wonderful opportunity to change my schedule so I can pick him up from school every day. And my husband was able to be a little flexible during the morning hours to drop him off. Eliminating this social nightmare from his life has made quite a difference.
But I continue to make sure his voice is heard and his needs are met at school and other activities.

If that makes me“unfriendly” and “hostile”… So be it.

To assume or not to assume....

That is the question as I sit here on a plane for 5 hours. I am realizing that this is probably my biggest issue with communication breakdown. I am just going to come out and say it....I have been seeing a therapist. And you know what? I am not ashamed of it. I have come to understand that life is so hard sometimes. Sometimes it really helps to have an impartial view, someone who will listen. Rather than find fault, he helps me understand who I am and how I can improve my communication skills so I can have healthy relationships.

One thing he has lead me to see is that I assume a lot in my relationships, during conversations where emotions may run high, I will tend to read nonverbal cues or react to past experiences which bring back memories or feelings of hurt in the past. Rather than clarify what is happening in the conversation, I may react or jump to conclusions. I become a mind reader and immediately decide that the other person must be thinking and feeling the way I am interpreting. One of two things happen, I shut down or I lose my mind. It's really a roll of the dice.

After the discussion about how people tend to assume rather than ask clarifying questions, I started to notice how often I assume. I don't do it ALL the time. Sometimes I can step back and ask questions. But depending on the sensitivity of the situation or the relationship, sometimes it is easier to take step back where other times, I ride the wave of emotions and see where I end up. There have been many things happening in my life, in my relationships, where I have needed to retrain my brain. It is NOT easy. But, I have to say that it is easier to take that step back and try to ask questions, remind myself not to assume what another is thinking or feeling. Easier than having to go back and repair the damage I may have done as a result no matter if my assumptions were correct or not.

I have had many experiences that have reshaped my thought process throughout life. With experience in life, comes a lesson to be learned. I do appreciate all of the experiences I have. I recognize that those experiences have made me who I am. They have brought happiness, pain, joy, and sadness. But somedays I wish I could erase the memories of the feelings I have had at times because I do struggle with misinterpreting others as a result.

So as I communicate at work, in my family relationships, in my friendships I will try to ask myself, "I am assuming? Do I really know what he/she means? Are they really meaning to hurt me?". Usually not, and so far, I have a much easier time communicating my own feelings if I start to ask questions rather than react.

I do know there are many people out there who use manipulation and passive aggressiveness as a weapon in communication. I don't think that is a healthy way to build relationships and I try not to engage in it. I usually try to avoid those types of relationships altogether. But, at the end of the day I am responsible for me. I have to look in the mirror and feel good about what I have said or done over the course of the day. Some nights I lose sleep over how I may have responded to an email, text, or in a conversation. So I will continue in my quest of retraining my brain not to assume and to overcome those feelings of my past that cause me to react.

I am sure I am not the only one who struggles with this. Otherwise why would books be written about it? So just ask yourself "to assume or not?". Relationships may depend on it.

This is why I believe in Angels

I have struggled with faith and prayer for many, many years. Probably more years than most people realize. I try to be a positive person…although some days are harder than others. Hope has not come easily for me. But, I do believe that there is a power greater than all of us that can bring hope and peace. I feel that everyone has the right to give this “power” any name they feel is appropriate. I do not believe that anyone has the right to dictate what this “power” is. It is a very personal, very sacred thing for each and every one of us. I respect the beliefs of others in their personal “power”. I will gladly say a prayer for anyone who asks because I do feel it is important when supporting and loving others to help anyway I can. And just because I do not believe in the same philosophies and principles that others do, doesn’t mean that I cannot offer up a prayer for others. Just because my beliefs are different than others, does not mean that I cannot love and support in a way that is most important to the ones I care for most in this world.

With all the struggles I have had with my son recently, I have thought a great deal about this power and how to channel into it so I can find hope and peace. In my moments of worry and grief, the greatest amount of peace I have found is within this power. I still sit back on occasion and say a prayer when I am at a loss of where I can find the peace I need to give me strength to take a step forward. Life is about taking each step, one at a time. Sometimes, I am not sure I can take any more steps. And when I can’t, miraculously, Angels appear.

A few months ago, I was having one of these moments. I didn’t know what to do to make things better for myself. I felt lost in my own life. I didn’t know who I was…yet again. I thought “I’m 35 years old! How can I not know who I am?” I felt like I was failing as a parent. My son was struggling and I didn’t know what to do to help him. My family has felt the effects of the stress. My husband and I were arguing more often than not. I felt like I was on edge all the time. I felt very much alone, ashamed, and not-so-positive. One day when I wanted to just quit, that was the moment I prayed. I sat back, closed my eyes and breathed deeply. My prayer was simple, “please help me get through this.” That was all I said.

Since that time, there have been many small miracles happen in my life, brought by Angels. They are good people who genuinely want to help, who are selfless, have the ability to be supportive without expecting anything in return, or who chose professions simply because they wanted to be in environment where they could make a difference. I am fortunate enough to have all of those types appear in our lives. And I am certain that wasn’t by accident. I am sure there was a higher power involved that brought these good people into my life to help me with my challenges. And my very simple prayer helped me to recognize them and what they were trying to do.

There are so many bad things in this world that so many are reacting to the bad things; it becomes increasingly difficult to notice those things in life that are good and right. The bad things are so loud, so noticeable. The good things are quiet, unassuming, and tend to go unnoticed by most. But without those good things, good people how can any of us find hope and peace?

That power that we believe in, no matter what you name it, is found in every single one of us. I believe in Angels because I believe that the power within in each of us can give us the strength we need to be a support to someone else. If we let go of the fear and selfishness long enough to appreciate the strength we gain from others, it will also give us the ability to choose to be that strength for others when they need it the most. Most of the time we probably don’t even know when we are being that strength for others. My Angels probably have no clue that I have drawn my strength from them or the impact they have had on my life. They have helped me find that hope and peace by helping me find my next steps in my challenges. They have changed my life, my son’s life, and that is powerful. They helped me find a solid ground to stand on so I can feel confident in who I am, find resources that I need to get the answers I need, not only in relation to what is going on with Shane, but for the struggles I have had for myself as well.

I believe that good things aren’t just found in random acts of kindness. The random acts of kindness that seem to draw the most attention, broadcast on the news, and talked about among groups of people. The best things are found in people who are simply….good and kind to others.

I am inspired by these Angels to remember how important it is to be good and kind because I will never know how my influence may have an impact.

For those in my life who have carried me these past few months…Thank you for being my Angels.