Happy for Spring!

It's been awhile since I've posted.  But my life has been a whirlwind over the past 8 months.

My divorce was finalized
Brandon moved in
Shane changed medications a couple times with some bumpy months of new/old issues
Spring finally arrived! (which means my outdoor activities increased!)

At the end of it all, I have so many things to be grateful for and am finding the peace and support I have longed for and needed so much.

Most importantly, I am happy. 

I look forward to my weekends and I look forward to going home after work. 

I get to do things for me...and I don't feel guilty.

I can take care of my family and they love me for it.

Brandon and Shane love me for who I am and all that I am.  I feel accepted in my home and I don't feel like I have to change for even a second to make someone else happy.  In turn, I accept them for who they are so they feel they can be who they are.  It's the balance within a family that I have never felt before. 

Shane is happy too, and doing incredibly well.  He is exceling in school, his behavior has been a complete turn around since we started him on some new meds and found a way for him to get a decent nights sleep.  I am so thankful for modern day medicine.  He also has a loving and attentive father who has been wonderful with him.  I asked Shane last weekend if he had a fun day and he said to Brandon and I,  "Thank you for making my life better."  I can honestly say that this boy needed his father for so many things I couldn't give him.  I am thankful every day for the path that led me back to him.  Not only for Shane, but for all he does to make my life better too. 

Change is often times, the best possible option for improvement in life.

So....I can't wait for summer.  Spring has been a blast but we are ready to take the skiis out, have some BBQ's, enjoy some fun activities, hang out with some awesome friends, and be together as a family for the first time in many years. 

♥

January...Thank you for being over!!

January was a difficult month…..Let me rephrase… If there was a test to be had in my life, I’m pretty sure it happened in January.


I took on the responsibility of the secretary position on the executive board in December for our youth football program. I was really excited to take on something new and use the skills I have developed over the years to give back to the community. All I can say is ….. Oh Boy, did I jump in with two feet.

Some things at work have changed, beginning this month my employee count nearly doubled in size. I have 15 sales reps who work for me. I love this group, truly was a change I needed. But again, I have jumped in with two feet and it has really been great getting to work with these guys in the short period I have so far. I think we all needed the change and it did reenergize us.

I’ve been preparing my divorce papers this month. Yes, I am filing for divorce. We all have to live with our choices, good and bad. But sometimes you have to follow a road you think will have the outcome you believe in. Years later, you realize how horribly wrong you were. But thankfully, I refuse to settle or put my child through that kind of life simply to prove a point. I am stubborn, but not THAT stubborn. And although some may judge me for not “sticking it out”, all I can say is that it is really easy to make decisions when you are on the outside looking in. I am thankful every day that I have a second chance in this life to make everything right. It’s not every day you get that and I will not forget what I went through to get to this point, what I lost and what I have been so fortunate to get back now.

My dog started having seizures this month. It first happened three weeks ago and then again yesterday. It was awful the first time it happened. He had his first seizure in my son’s bed in the middle of the night. I was headed to bed and heard quite a ruckus in the next room, of course I thought the boys (Shane and Beemer) were playing. But instead I found Beemer lying next to my son in the middle of a grand mal seizure and I had no clue what was going on. I cannot even begin to describe it, but I sent Shane to my room and waited for it to pass. Honestly, the way he laid there, I thought he was dead. All I could think about was how I was going to tell my boy that his dog, best friend, and “brother-from-another-mother” had passed away lying next to him in his bed. And as I broke down, he blinked his eyes and began to come back around. About ten minutes later he was my sweet puppy again. But he continued with the seizures every two hours after that throughout the night. He is still part of this family and we will love our puppy for as long as he will have us.

And if that isn’t enough, Shane has had an awful month. It hasn’t been this bad since last year about this time. The last 3-4 weeks have been some of the hardest we have had in awhile. When I say hardest, I mean physically exhausting and emotionally draining.

I love my son, very much. I would move heaven and earth for him if I could.

I hate that he has to struggle as he tries to figure out how to function in a world that is so much more different than he is. He is a round peg, trying desperately to fit into a square hole. I am thankful for those few people who appreciate who he is and celebrate his little daily wins with me (you know who you are). Most days, I have had to fight these battles alone. Thankfully, his father will be moving back to Reno soon and I will have some relief and daily support.

We adjusted his meds again recently as he is growing and is now at a point that he needs a maximum dosage, but it seems that the higher the dosage the harder the come down is at night for him. I have to race him home to get homework and chores done before his meds start to wear off or I struggle all night to keep him on task. Lately, his “come downs” have been occurring earlier. He already doesn’t transition well from being at school all day to coming home at night.

So we started on a new medication. He takes the same dosage of concerta he took before. Concerta is a stimulant that helps him focus, stay on task, and controls his hyperactivity throughout the day. However, he also has a lot of problems with aggression and impulse issues which is generally where he tends to get in trouble. In order to feel comfortable, he has to control his surroundings at all times. It is the OCD part of ADHD. Everything has to be “just so”, and rules have to be followed by everyone else. So if something falls out of that comfort zone, he becomes determined to fix it so he is comfortable again. So, in order to bring down the aggression and impulse issues, he started taking another medication. So, while one is bringing him up, the other is bringing him down hoping to find a balance in the middle somewhere. I feel like I am conducting yet another scientific experiment on my child. And at the end of the day, I know I am doing what I can do to try to make things better for him, but I just wish there was an easier way.

I sometimes wish I would wake up and he wouldn’t have to deal with this disability (YES, DISABILITY), I hate seeing him suffer with his own struggles both independently and socially. It breaks my heart that he is watched like a hawk to make sure he isn’t putting other children at danger, that he rarely is invited to birthday parties, or sleepovers. We have wonderful friends in our neighborhood who have been great with Shane, and I can always count on them to love and accept him for who he is. I appreciate all they do and their acceptance of him because it is rare. I get it; I understand he is so difficult to handle at times so I don’t take it personally when he is left out of the social circles of his different friends. He seems to be okay with it, so that’s all that matters to me. But I am forever grateful to that family who is so sensitive to his needs.

I’ve also continued my training. I am determined to participate in all of my 5k’s, triathlon, and two new events this year – Tough Mudder and The DaVita Ride. Both will test my endurance and will be some of the most difficult physical tests I have ever had. There I go jumping in with two feet again (how many feet do I have, you ask??)

Oh and to top it off, I decided that during the month of January, I made the choice NOT to drink any alcohol or soda. Okay, so I cheated with a few little 8 oz cans of Pepsi Max during wrestling. Sometimes those things get really slow and I need a pick me up! What can I say?

So, needless to say, I am VERY grateful for February. And the rest of 2013 should be a cake walk, right?

Understanding vs. Compassion

This is rather deep for a Wednesday, but my heart is very heavy today and here is why...

My heart breaks for the families who lost their children and loved ones in the tragedy of Sandy Hook.


My heart also breaks for the family of the boy who was capable of committing the horrible crime that he did.

My heart also breaks for this country who seems so confused about where the problems truly lie in preventing these tragedies.

I don’t usually get involved in discussing these topics publicly because I respect others opinions, but I am not 100% certain that others will respect mine. But, in this case, I feel I need to share my thoughts. Primarily because I am really tired of listening to all of the judgment passed on so many levels about so many things when we all should be mourning this tragedy and finding solutions for ALL of the issues surrounding it. I am finding that for many, it is SO EASY to place blame.

There is so much blame on gun control – which we have so much of and I am sure there is always improvements that can be made on this issue. But we cannot infringe on our freedoms at the same time. But it is NOT 100% to blame.

Everyone is sick of hearing this person had mental illness – Is it an excuse? No, but I firmly believe that if this country had better mental health care we would be able to treat these people early in life before these tragedies occur. And it really is misunderstood by most of the country. But it is NOT 100% to blame.

Schools need more security – yes, I am sure they do. Some schools are more secure than others; however, every school should evaluate their security measures and safety evacuations to make sure they understand how to handle emergencies. But it is NOT 100% to blame.

In my opinion, all of these things share blame. And we could debate all day about so many things in each of these issues but that really isn’t the point.

I think the biggest problem this society has is a lack of compassion. It is so difficult to understand all of the components and feelings involved in tragedies such as this. It also seems that it is more difficult for each of us to be compassionate towards every person involved because it is so difficult to understand.

But, none of us can possible understand how one deals with the loss of a loved one or a child. Everyone mourns differently and we cannot fathom how each person feels when they get that dreaded phone call telling you that you will never see that person again.

Not one of us can understand the pain and grief of a parent who raises a mentally or behaviorally challenged child. How can anyone understand the heartache of knowing that this child will struggle his or her entire life with the demons inside their head that they were born with and doomed to carry throughout life. And even worse, doing everything you can to raise this child in fear that he or she may harm others only to get a phone call one day that it happened, the tragedy that you, as a parent, have failed your own child as well as countless others who are now experiencing the consequences of your child’s actions.

None of us can understand the pain of that person who struggles day in and day out with those mental and behavioral disorders that drive them to do unspeakable things that make them feel worthless and hopeless.

For those who don’t even own guns or who are terrified of having them in the house, how can they possibly understand the necessity of others to have such things in their home in order to feel safe and secure for themselves and their families? And on the other side, how can folks who carry guns understand the fears within those who want nothing to do with a gun and think they should be banned altogether.

No one can understand all of our differences in thoughts and feelings. Our different upbringings and perceptions based on our personal experiences. We all have our different way of faith and beliefs, even how we cope.

WE CANNOT POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND. BUT WE CAN BE COMPASSIONATE.

Compassion, I have read, is a fundamental ingredient of human love. It is empathy for the suffering of others, and a foundation for how we as a society can connect with one another. And to take one step further, I believe that Unconditional Compassion is even a greater love achieved by the human spirit, one that has empathy and love for others and grieve for their suffering beyond our own capability of understanding exactly what that person has experienced in life to bring them to where they are.

As I have read all of the opinions on the websites, facebook, blogs, etc ( and there are many), about gun laws, the affects of mental illness, knowing right from wrong, security of a school, the mother’s mistakes in raising her child… These are the posts that break my heart the most. Because they all lack the one thing this society needs more than anything right now as a whole … COMPASSION.

So even though you may disagree, become offended by another’s opinions, or even angry at some of the words that others may say, I am asking one thing of my friends and family. Please remember compassion. Remember to teach your children compassion and take this opportunity to teach your children how the GOOD things in this world can overcome the BAD things. Set the example for them because they need us to show them that this is how we should treat each other in order to have hope and feel safe.

We don’t need to understand every situation, but the only way we can change this world and make it better is if we have compassion and be kind towards one another.

“When we feel love and kindness toward others, it not only makes others feel loved and cared for, but it helps us also to develop inner happiness and peace.”   The 14th Dalai Lama (born 1935);