Shane

Shane started a new school this week. And yes, I now feel comfortable calling this place he is in now a "school". Up until now, I think he was just with overpaid babysitters. Calling them daycares is even a stretch considering the word "care" should not even be part of the word "daycare" in the places we have been.

Shane has been in many different daycare facilities and it really is my fault. I just didn't know what I was doing when it came to picking daycares. The big problem I seemed to be having is that he would continually have behavior problems and I couldn't figure out what was going on. The centers would involve me only when need be and never could communicate very well in terms of what I needed to do to reinforce at home. I even had one place refuse to let me know what was going on with him during the day unless they couldn't keep him under control. Troy and I did everything we could, and it seemed like it was never enough. Shane was unhappy everywhere we placed him and as a result, he has continued to progress into this path of behavioral problems that have continually become worse. Our last straw with his very last location when a few weeks ago, he came home day after day with problems and when I asked him why he couldn't follow the rules he said, "because if I am good, I won't get to go to a new school." My five-year-old was sabotoging himself to get booted from this daycare! Somewhere along the line we had told him that if he didn't follow the rules, he wouldn't be allowed to go back. He took that as a suggestion rather than a threat. It scares me at how smart he is sometimes. Troy and I realized that if we didn't get him out of that school, things would become progressively worse and would eventually transfer over into kindergarten, 1st grade, and so on.

2 days after that conversation, I found a new school. I enlisted a lot of help and really did my homework on this school. I brought Troy and Shane for a tour after I took a tour. All three of us made the decision together and I think that made a big difference for Shane. He started at his new school on Monday and I nervously left him behind, hoping for the best, but fearing the worst. Troy and I are doing the best we can, but it is really scary when you go from place to place, leaving your children in the care of strangers, hoping that they aren't permanently damaged. This is the part of being a working mother that I really don't like and I envy stay-at-home mothers who raise their own children rather than turn it over to complete strangers who claim to be experts in child-rearing.Well, as Monday progressed, I couldn't stop thinking about Shane and how he may be doing. I wanted to call, but I couldn't for fear that I wouldn't hear good news. Troy took the reigns and made the call to see how he was doing and my fears came true - Shane was having a BAD day. One of the worst he has had. I was terrified at how the director of the preschool would react and I was terrified that I had made another mistake in choosing a preschool. The good news is that the director had said that all of his behavior issues are fixable and she wanted to meet with Troy and I about her plan for helping him - this was the first time anyone has reached out to us in a positive way, included us in his discipline at school, and I actually looked forward to hearing what she had to say.

When we met with the director, Susan, she talked with us about his behavior and we also explained to her, again, the problems we have had with other daycare facilities communicating with us about his behavior problems. I also told her that he had gotten away with this behavior because we could not reinforce their rules at home. Susan was wonderful and came up with a plan for him within minutes. We started working with him that day, AS A TEAM! I was thrilled when I picked him up the next day and he had a relatively good day, and then the following 2 days, he had no problems at all! Susan was very clear with us about how to reinforce everything at home, at what point we would need to discipline at home, and Shane has really learned how easy it is to make good choices at his new school. He now knows that he can make good choices!The best part is that this school has a certified, all-day Kindergarten program that he will transition to this summer so we don't have to move him. I am still very nervous about whether or not he will keep up this newfound confidence in his ability to follow the rules and make good choices - but I have so much more hope and confidence in this new school and their ability to help us and him. For the first time in a few years, I went to work today and didn't worry about what would happen when I picked him up that afternoon. I think we have found our angels and Shane has never been so happy when I see him at the end of the day. He feels so good about what he is doing and I am so grateful for our new friends.

My Mother's Day Dream Come True

Once upon a time, I believed that I would never have children. Not by choice - but for reasons that are still a mystery to me. I do believe that whatever those reasons are, they are good ones, because I wouldn't have the children or the life I have now.

I still remember walking into church the first Mother's Day I was experiencing infertility. I sat through the most painful hour as I listened to children sing Mother's Day songs, speakers share their thoughts and feelings about their mothers, and then at the end to have the Mother's Day flowers handed out to all the women in the ward. I felt ashamed that I was given a flower and I felt like it was a spotlight on my failure to become pregnant, almost like a "pity" flower. Year after year, I continued to watch my friends and sisters become mother's and earn their flowers as I continued to get my "pity" flower. My heart broke every morning I woke up and was reminded that I was not a mother and I just couldn't understand why that precious gift was being withheld at that time - I wanted it so badly and I was ready for it.

This Mother's Day, I understand a little better. It has been many years that I have been part of Tyler and Bailey's life and it has been 5 years since I have been Shane's mother, so I have had a few Mother's Days now, but this Mother's Day was different than any of the others.

Shane finally understands what Mother's Day is and he was so excited to give me his gift that he made at school. He couldn't wait until Sunday to give me his gift so I had to open it on Friday after school. Every other year, he would make me gifts at school but didn't understand that it was supposed to go to me so he would get upset if I wanted to keep them. It was funny then, but not the way I had seen that scenario go in my mind. This year, his reaction to Mother's Day was exactly what I had dreamed of in all those years I thought it would never happen. He gave me the perfect gift.

I understand that with stepmotherhood, you aren't typically the first "mother" on the list as far as the Mother's Day school projects go. I treat my stepchildren as my own children and I am not afraid to be their mother, just as if I gave birth to them. But, as much as they love me, I know that I am not their mother and they have a mother. I respect that bond and I never expect to replace her in their lives. I just hope to have my own relationship with them and be a parent to them the best way I know how.

Bailey has never given me a Mother's Day project from school. She has always forgotton until the day of Mother's day and then she would try to scramble at the last minute to give me a gift. It always made me laugh a little and of course she meant well. This year, she took the initiative to talk with her teacher about making two Mother's Day gifts. She was so excited about it, she just could not wait until Mother's Day for me to open my gift, so I opened hers on Friday as well. She gave me a wonderful letter and an exfoliation kit for my hands. That night, she offered to use the kit and gave me a nice hand exfoliation and massage. She gave me the perfect gift.

Tyler comes up with creative things every year, but this year was one that I will always cherish. Tyler is growing up so quickly. He is so smart and I truly enjoy having him around. I miss him when he is at his mother's and as much as he can drive me crazy at times, it is much too quiet when he is gone. It is so much fun to teach him about life, to watch him learn and grow, laugh at him when he thinks he knows it all (which is most of the time), and he is wise beyond his years. However, being a 14 year old boy, I don't really expect too much effort from him when it comes to sentiment. But he really surprised me this year. He spent a few hours putting together a slide show and when I saw what he had done, it was the answer to all of those questions as to why I was not able to have children so many years ago. If I had followed my own plan, I would not have the opportunity to share in the experience in raising Tyler and Bailey. I would not have my Shane. I would have missed so many wonderful memories in being a part of the family I have now. I feel very fortunate to have been given the chance to be Tyler, Bailey, and Shane's mother. I know it has changed me and I only hope that I can make a difference in their lives so one day they can have a positive influence on the world around them. He gave me the perfect gift.

As Mother's Day passed I realized as I looked back on the weekend with my children, that I have been given the perfect gift. I was given the gift of motherhood and I have finally earned my flower.

The great balancing act

These weeks are the ones that are the most difficult. I am a Sales Manager over 8 salesreps in 6 states. Occasionally my job requires me to travel but occasionally our meetings are local so I am still in town but I am required to work longer hours and go to late night dinners. So, I'm here - but I'm really not here. As a working mom, it is more difficult to still be in town during these meetings. It is difficult for the kids because I am still partially in my role as "mom", but I leave my work hat on longer and if I do come home in between meetings, I am more "managerial" than "motherly". Also, from my perspective it is really difficult for my hubby although he handles it well most of the time. He does a great job picking up my slack around the house during this time, but I really try to avoid coming home at all because it is more difficult to balance being mom and manager during these meetings. I don't want to leave my mom hat on too long and find myself tying the General Zone Manager's shoe or cutting the Director of Sales chicken into smaller pieces. Can you imagine?!? I am put there with the big boys trying to prove myself not only as a female manager, but as one of the youngest as well. Those guys know that I am balancing between home and work, so they do watch carefully to see how I handle it. It's a lot of pressure! It also is tough when hubby struggles with me being gone. Most of the time he is very understanding but I think men have a harder time when the wife and mother of the home is out at late meetings. It's tough for them to understand the networking aspect of the job and how important it is towards the advancement of your career. My industry, like many, is a "relationship" business. The more people you know and the closer you are to them, the more successful you will be. Not to say that women understand it better, but women are more used to managing the house without dads help most of the time anyway. Even though both Troy and I work, I do handle most of the household so when I am gone his workload gets very heavy especially when the kids are here. I also feel guilty - I feel like I should be able to be in two places at once. Some of these meetings have ended in arguments, but we do work it out and we try to learn from the experiences so that next time it isn't so challenging. But when you are the wife, mother, and breadwinner the demands to balance work and life are greater. I want to be the best I can be in both worlds and I think we are all surviving through my shortcomings. Of course, I'm sure it gives them all one more thing to discuss with they psychologist one day. :)