Why did I become a parent?

I have been thinking lately,   (yes, I know, you all are thinking "here we go….")

What exactly does it mean to raise a child?  Why do we have children?  Why does the majority of the population feel compelled to reproduce and bring offspring into this world? Does anyone really know why or what it means?

When I was going through infertility I cried every day because I longed to have a child. I wanted to be pregnant, give birth. I wanted to raise a baby to a toddler, then to a child, teenager, and young adult. I wanted this so badly it hurt. I went through three years of tests and treatments only to get nothing out of it. Until one day by surprise, bam! I was pregnant and now living the dreams that I longed to have fulfilled. Every now and again I remember why I wanted this so badly. But most days, I ask myself, “Why am I doing this again??”

In the past 6 years, I have learned a few things about being a parent.

1. I will never get a full 8 hours of sleep again

2. It is them against me and sometimes I feel like I am in a Braveheart movie

3. Today will not last for very long so somehow I have to remember to enjoy the little moments because they go by so fast. Before I know it, my little boy will not worship the ground I walk on anymore. (tears!)

But at the end of the day, I sometimes sit back and wonder why I wanted to be a mom so bad and what does it mean to be a parent and raise children?

I had a child so I could pass on the wisdom that I have learned in life. I treat my stepchildren as my own children because I feel that I accepted responsibility to be a parent to those children when I married my husband.  That is why I call myself a "parent" because no matter what your official "title" is when raising children, you are always a parent when you have children to raise.

Here are my thoughts which some may agree or disagree, but they are MY thoughts.  In raising those three precious children I feel they are my contribution to society. They are my posterity, a reflection of who I am. It is what I can give to this world to make it a better place. My vision is that one day they will grow to be responsible adults. Graduate from high school and college, get wonderful, stable jobs, raise families, make me a grandmother, be kind to others, love one another and be good friends. I try to teach them to be respectful, thoughtful, and kind to those they come in contact with. Every rule and discipline in my home serves a purpose to teach them a value that I hope they will take with them in their life.

So what happens if they don’t? What happens if my children don’t take the values I have taught them into their adult lives and pass them on? What if they get older and realize that all I have taught them is not how they want to live? What if they do not become all that I hope they will become?

Those are a lot of “what if’s” that I have no control over. Because no matter what I teach them, there is a very important part of parenting that I must realize. Children come in contact with so many different people and environments that will impact them. I am not the only influence they have in their young lives. There are other people, television, movies, books, school teachers, church (for some), and so many other factors. All of these things play a part in what shapes our children as they grow.

So even though I may be teaching my own values to my children, there are so many more influences that I have no control over. Does that mean I should keep shelter them from these influences? I don’t think so and it isn’t possible. I fight for their childhood and innocence for as long as possible, which only means that I monitor the media that they are involved with to make sure it is age appropriate and not exposing them to adult issues that they should be protected from. However, I want them to experience all of the wonderful things that life has to offer. In fact, I think it would be more damaging to shelter them from the influences of the world because what will they do when they get older and have to handle the world on their own, without me to shelter them?

The more I think about it the more I realize that maybe it isn’t my job as a parent to create a person that replicates all of the things I believe in. Maybe it is my job to guide them through their own lives. Teach them how to handle all of the many, wonderful challenges that will teach them about who they are and what makes them happy. They are a combination of different genetics. Their personalities are different than mine. They have different thoughts and reactions to their environments than I do. I cannot possibly control the outcome of how they will turn out as adults just because I spend my parenting years teaching them all of the things I hold to be true. I cannot expect them to become exactly what I want them to be just because it is what I think is best for them. Maybe the best thing I can do as a parent is create a place of acceptance and love. Maybe it is better that I teach them that they can trust that I will love them no matter what choices they make in life or what paths they choose for themselves. Maybe it is more important that I give them a place free of judgment where they feel safe enough to discuss some of the most difficult things that people struggle with in life. Of course they need my guidance, rules, and discipline as they grow because that is the real world. But, maybe what I envisioned parenting to be is different than what it truly is.

As I continue to ramble through my thoughts, I can’t help but go take a step further, I think the important questions to ask is, “do I want them to be happy?” and “am I prepared to support them in whatever life they choose will bring them the happiness they seek?”

Most fearfully, I wonder, “Will I feel like a failure if my children do not become exactly as I envision they will become?”

But I remind myself, I love my children. Ultimately, I want to teach them how to love and be loved. I want them to be able to trust people and not fear the world. I want them to feel comfortable in taking risks, asking difficult questions of themselves and others. I want them to feel free to make decisions that may have positive or negative consequences without fear that they will not be loved by those closest to them. Most importantly, I do want them to be happy. I want them to experience joy in its truest sense. But this means that they will need to feel disappointment and hurt in order to really understand joy. This is the hardest part of parenting because I do not like to see my children hurt, but I do know it is part of learning.  And if these are the things I am able to teach them, I don't think I will have failed as a parent.

I don’t know that I really answered my own questions, created more questions, or just typed up a rambling of my thoughts that really came to no conclusion. If anything comes of this blog, it is that I have learned one more thing about being a parent:

4. I will learn more from raising my children then they will probably ever learn from me.

That is probably MY truest reason for becoming a parent.



Vacation Fun

Ahhhhhh, Vacation.  Don't we all love it?  We get to leave normal life, go crazy, and have chaotic fun!

For spring break, we went out to California to visit family.  It was so fun to see all the cousins together on Saturday, playing in the spa and furiously hunting for Easter Eggs in the back yard, just as we did as children.  After Sunday dinner, it was great to sit with Shawna, Crystal, Bryan, grandma jo, mom, and dad reminiscing about old times and laughing about how goofy we were as kids.  Grandma Jo even had pictures to share!  Not too mention what happened to the poor Marie Calendar's cheesecake as we all sat around and attacked it.  But what a fun bonding moment.  It was almost like we all went back in time for that one instance and became kids again.  I had a blast with my two sisters when we got to spend some alone time together at brunch.  They are two of my best friends and I couldn't get through life without them. 

Monday thru Wednesday, we went to Disneyland.  What a whirlwind of fun!

On Thursday we got to spend some time at the beach. I'm a California girl, but I have my limits so you will never find me in the cold water in April.  Brrrrrrrr!  But, Troy and Bailey played in the water while the cousins all played in the sand, collected seashells, and just enjoyed spending time together. I enjoyed some time with my sister while watching all of the kids enjoy one another's company.

On Friday, we had to head home, back to the real world of schedules, work, and school.  But we made some great memories.  Can't wait to do it again!

I am unfriendly and hostile….

Part of being a working mom, is finding daycare. UGH. Of course no one will ever love your child the way you can. No one could possibly care of him the way you could. Try finding daycare for a child who has unseen special needs. Find one willing to work with a child who has a behavior disorder that many in society blame on “bad parenting”.

I once received a very ugly letter from a woman who claims to be an expert in childcare and early childhood education. My favorite quote from her letter was “You are unfriendly and hostile”. Of course there is quite some history that goes along to what led up to this point, but my strong will and passion as a mother was perceived as “unfriendly and hostile”. It would be nice if I could just be appreciated as a mother who wants to create a peaceful environment for her son. It would be nice to actually get the kind of childcare I was promised and told I could expect from her and her staff.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a no-nonsense person. I am straight to the point, I fight for what I believe is right with both fists, and I do not back down until I am heard. Even if I don’t win – I will be heard. I am a sales manager, working in a field dominated by men. My communication style is honest, direct, but diplomatic. I call a spade a spade. I can be tough when I need to be, but overall, I am fair and I can certainly accept when I am wrong (as I am a lot). Over the years I have learned to pick my battles and accept my losses. There was a time I would throw full blown tantrums to get things to go my way, but I have mellowed a bit and have learned to let go and be accepting of the outcome I receive.

When it comes to these battles, the mama bear claws do come out. I feel justified especially when I feel we are not being treated fairly or being heard. When you pay a caregiver to make sure your son is being cared for, I don’t think it is too much to ask that they listen to what I need since I am a paying customer and they essentially are working for me. However, I was told that they “should not have to come to me” or “track me down” if my son is having issues. They are “too busy to communicate with me at my convenience”, although they expect me to “fix” my child’s issues FOR them.

You would think in all their experience, all of the caregivers he has been with (8 different daycares in 7 years) they would have picked up on the possibility that he may have ADHD. Especially since children with ADHD start to show signs as early as 18 months. But it is not so easy when the disability your child has does not impact his physical capabilities. And I don’t mean to disrespect those who have special needs above and beyond what my son has; however, special needs children are not always obvious. Children who have special needs, such as Shane’s, are typically overlooked because he appears to not have a disability; he is healthy, strong, very smart, and very physically able. His caregivers have all missed the obvious signs. They continued to look to me to “fix his issues” without me being there to see the full picture. It’s a secret magic potion that other working mothers MUST have. I must have missed the memo on how to get some of that since every other working mom has the capability of “fixing” their children without being around during the course of the day to understand what the problems are. My “fix” is typically directed as his caregivers because they are the adults and I rely on them to help me understand what is going on and what needs to be done to help Shane. This doesn't usually go over very well.

He has been continuously targeted, which to me is bullying. I urge other parents to see these as red flags. I was too naïve to realize what was going on. If I had to do it over again, they would be dealing with a bull rather than a bear. At one time, he was watched by cameras from the classroom. There were times they would notice he was behaving in a matter which they felt was inappropriate or "dangerous" even though his teacher said most of his antics were related to “being a boy”. But even a poke or a a laugh would cause him to be immediately removed from the classroom because the director felt he was “bullyish and distruptive”. The smallest incident would erupt into an escalated tantrum (which is scary in itself) because she would yank him from the room (physically), isolate him from the children, yell at him when he wouldn’t give her the answers she wanted, interrogate him to find out what was going on in his mind, all which made him feel like there was something wrong with him. Other times, parents that have known us from other daycares have gone to the school’s before/after school to let them know that Shane “doesn’t belong there and if they aren’t careful, they will be held liable for any harm done to other children.” My son has never done anything malicious to hurt anyone, not even a fly. But since they were warned, he was again, targeted. And the kids like to push his buttons because he is that kid. He is the one the kids like to get in trouble - “Watch what happens when we make him mad! It’s so fun! And then HE gets in trouble! Such a great game!” … for them. All of these incidents have only traumatized my sweet little boy.

So, as I have tried to express these needs to his so-called caregivers over the years, I am often told “we don’t have time to meet his needs” or “we have other children we are concerned about, not just Shane” or “we do not have the staff capability to be able to give him that kind of attention”, even though every time I looked to enroll him in a new facility, I specifically sought out organizations that would be willing to work with us. It is amazing that they all claimed to be the ones to help him. I have tried to fight for my son, tried to be his voice, but it is frustrating when you are not heard. I can only imagine his frustration as he struggles with feelings and worries that are too big for his young mind to comprehend.

I still fight for him despite the name calling. Every time I get a call, every time I get an email (and there are many) my question to them is “and what are you going to do on your end to help change this situation?” I have been open about his needs, open about what I am doing to move down the path to get the resources I need as a parent. I always meet the school in the middle and support them 100%. But I also support my son 100%. I have had to be proactive, very firm, very vocal, and have shed quite a few tears in front of perfect strangers. At the same time, I have found wonderful people who have been there to help, extending assistance and advice. I would not have found these resources without them. So, as far as I am concerned, every fight will be worth the end result.

For now, we have quit daycare - altogether. I have no faith in any of them. I have had the wonderful opportunity to change my schedule so I can pick him up from school every day. And my husband was able to be a little flexible during the morning hours to drop him off. Eliminating this social nightmare from his life has made quite a difference.
But I continue to make sure his voice is heard and his needs are met at school and other activities.

If that makes me“unfriendly” and “hostile”… So be it.