Parenting a challenge

Today is one of those days. Shane has been having horrible days at school for the past month - although it seems like it has been going on for longer. I feel inadequate as a parent, failure as a mom, and completely helpless in finding the answers in how to help my son live a happy, productive life.

He is a smart boy. He is active, strong, and independent. But, he struggle everyday to make the right choices. He struggles every day with following the rules and respecting his authority. I have been called numerous times at work due to his behavioral issues. I just don't know what I am doing wrong or what I am supposed to do right.

I know all parents struggle sometimes, but for me it seems like it has been daily, endless. Shane has been to numerous daycare programs. His father and I divorced when he was only a year old and my current husband and I first began living together when he was still very young. His dad remarried around the same time. Shane has known two fathers his whole life. He also had a stepmother who he knew well. I'm sure that his family ties have been somewhat confusing for him. His dad moved away to California last year. His dad divorced his second wife shortly thereafter. Shane never had a chance to say goodbye. His daycare programs have struggled with his behavior. From the time he was 13 months old, his daycare providers have been at a loss with why he behaves the way that he does. I don't think I have been very good at picking his daycare providers. I think Shane's needs are different from other children. I can't explain it, but he just doesn't seem to have normal behavior issues as other children. His are more extreme.

I hate watching my son struggle. I hate this feeling of not knowing what to do or how to handle this. I struggled for so many years to have a son and I have to wonder why this child was entrusted in my care. He obviously has special needs although I can't seem to pinpoint what those needs are, and I feel completely inadequate in being his mother. I don't know how to be his mother in such a way that will help him succeed in life.

The Birth of a Football Mommy

Once upon a time, there was a woman who wanted to have a baby boy. Why? All for the love of football. When she was 5 months pregnant, she had an ultrasound and discovered that her dream was coming true - she was having a boy!

On September 8th, 2004, she went into labor, which was perfect because she really wanted to have her baby on September 9th - during the NFL season opener with two of the greatest quarterbacks playing while he was coming into the world. The Colts were playing the Patriots, Manning vs. Brady. Mommy made sure my birthing room had a tv that would play the game. As she was transitioning into stage 3 of labor in the middle of the game, and after 24 hours of very minimal progress, the game was motivating this little man to come into the world! Unfortunately, he didn't quite make it during the game, he came into the world just like he does everything else... He had to do it his way and when he wanted. If he could talk at birth, he would've told the doctors how to deliver him.

6 years after awaiting his delivery, Shane Allen has finally been enrolled in pee-wee football, with mom shedding tears of joy all along the way.

When we picked up the equipment, Shane insisted on trying everything on before we even left the football office. I tried to act like it wasn't necessary, but inside, I was beaming with Pride. My boy couldn't WAIT to put that gear on.



Shane had the privilege of running with the football during the last run of practice. Yes, it is a privilege that the coach trusts the boys to run with the ball. It helps them learn not to drop it. I had to wipe a tear as he ran all the way without bobbling the ball once!

That first moment that Shane hit that big black bag, I wanted to jump up and cheer. But I restrained because Shane asked me not to cheer for him all the time (I was cheering for him a lot, apparantly it isn't "cool"). The first day that the boys had to wear their full pads, Shane got his gear right on, ran out onto the practice field, and before practice even started, he started playing with the other boys. His shyness has completely disappeared as he has found himself in this game. I couldn't even sit during this time, because he was out there throwing, tackling, and just having fun before practice. I was so thrilled that he found this sport to be fun!


Then came time for his first hit... I was so nervous. He has always loved tackling and tumbling around with his friend, Jack, and Bailey. He is really tough, although he is so skinny, he is surpisingly strong!

The goal was to push his opponent across the orange cone line. And in a matter of seconds, he won his match! He strutted away like a little tough guy that had just taken down King Kong. I have never had more fun at a practice!

Shane is counting down to get to watch live, professional football with me and it is finally that time that I have dreamed of since I knew that was having a boy. No matter how good he is at playing, there is nothing more thrilling to me than the fact that he is beginning to love the game just as much as his mommy does.

Isn't that the most beautiful sight you have ever seen???

Gotta Love Summer!

One of my favorite things about Reno is that we are so close to the Lakes. Less than an hour in every direction, we can easily get to the "great" outdoors. Father's Day weekend was our first weekend to take the Jet Skiis out and we had so much fun! It was very cold and windy, but it was still so nice to sit by the lake and relax for the day.
Troy enjoyed his new Father's Day present - a lounge chair. While Shane dreamed that he was driving himself through the waves of the lake.

The kids all enjoyed rides around the lake, despite the cold snowmelt in the lake. Mom and Dad couldn't disappoint!




The kids even had a blast in the Lake without the Jet Skii. It was fun to watch their boldness in pushing their own limits to get past their own fears.

We had some very comical moments...

And Shane never lets me leave without giving him a kiss goodbye, even to go out on the jet skiis.

Summertime sure is fun!

The Guilt of a traveling mother

A couple weeks ago, I had a business trip in Washington D.C. A few days after I returned, I found this picture in my purse:

I immediately looked at this, saw the airplane, and the child with the giant arms appears to be crying. The guilt started to roll in. I thought that Shane had put this picture in my purse to tell me that he was so sad when I went on my trip and just wanted me to come home and give him a big hug.

When I had a chance to ask him what it was a picture of, he told me that it was a picture of him and his friend, Darby. They are on the playground at school, which is why he drew the clouds to show that they were outside. While they were on the playground, an airplane flew over and they both saw it.

Needless to say, I felt pretty silly and started to laugh. I had completely over analyzed a simple picture. Turns out, my son is doing just fine when I go on my business trips. I just need to figure out a way to deal with my guilt apparantly.

Closing a door...

Well, this week has been very crazy and emotionally wearing on me. Last week, I was "late" and so I started to think that I might be pregnant. Many people don't know this, but Troy and I decided last February that we would like to open up the possibility of having a baby together. We have the "his" and "hers", but we wanted an "ours". So, we decided to give it a try to see what would happen. We took the attitude of "if it's meant to be, it will be" and sat back to see if it would "be". Here we are, 18 months later, still nothing to show for it. So, I have started to prepare myself for the worst; that my child bearing days were just that - "days" and not "years". Last week when I thought I might be pregnant, I was so afraid to hope that it could be true. I have the odds against me. Years ago, when I went through infertility, I would have that hope, month after month, for 3 years that it was the month that I would see that little pink line. Every month, I was terribly disappointed. I think I have a better chance at winning the lottery than actually getting pregnant. This week, I relived that experience and it was heartbreaking for me. For some reason, this month was worse than the last 18 months. Deep down I knew that if it didn't happen this time, that I was done. So, when it turned out that I wasn't pregnant after all, I was crushed. When the little pink line didn't appear (again), I was crushed. I had to hold myself together enough to get through work and home and family. In the back of my mind, I knew it was over. I just needed to find the words to express to Troy how I felt. By Tuesday, I said it, I told him that I was done. It hurts too much, and honestly, we have a good life, we will be debt-free in about 3 years and having a baby would just be so hard on us. Troy agreed and it was done. I am still scratching my head and wondering how on earth I got pregnant with Shane. He is my miracle and it is even more apparant now that he was meant to be. Knowing now that he is the only baby I will have, that he is the only child I will have raised from birth to adulthood, makes me wish I had appreciated those moments more. I am grateful that I get to be part of Tyler and Bailey's lives. That truly is a blessing for me. But the bond between a mother and child is very different than the bond between a stepmother and children. It is very difficult to explain. As much as I love them, they have a bond with their own mother that cannot be replaced. So, I will always be Shane's mom and I am okay with that. It will always hurt that I was never able to have more, but maybe one day I will get to enjoy grandchildren. For now, I know I can be happy with what I have and I am grateful to have a husband who can support me this time I am dealing with this. He was wonderful and tried to be understanding. I am sure he isn't aware of how much I appreciate how he handled the situation. I also appreciate that he let me try to have another child. I know that I had to at least try to have one more. I couldn't go through life thinking that I could have had one more, if I had tried. Now I know. I am so thankful that God gave me Shane so I could experience all of the joys of motherhood with a child of my own.

Shane

Shane started a new school this week. And yes, I now feel comfortable calling this place he is in now a "school". Up until now, I think he was just with overpaid babysitters. Calling them daycares is even a stretch considering the word "care" should not even be part of the word "daycare" in the places we have been.

Shane has been in many different daycare facilities and it really is my fault. I just didn't know what I was doing when it came to picking daycares. The big problem I seemed to be having is that he would continually have behavior problems and I couldn't figure out what was going on. The centers would involve me only when need be and never could communicate very well in terms of what I needed to do to reinforce at home. I even had one place refuse to let me know what was going on with him during the day unless they couldn't keep him under control. Troy and I did everything we could, and it seemed like it was never enough. Shane was unhappy everywhere we placed him and as a result, he has continued to progress into this path of behavioral problems that have continually become worse. Our last straw with his very last location when a few weeks ago, he came home day after day with problems and when I asked him why he couldn't follow the rules he said, "because if I am good, I won't get to go to a new school." My five-year-old was sabotoging himself to get booted from this daycare! Somewhere along the line we had told him that if he didn't follow the rules, he wouldn't be allowed to go back. He took that as a suggestion rather than a threat. It scares me at how smart he is sometimes. Troy and I realized that if we didn't get him out of that school, things would become progressively worse and would eventually transfer over into kindergarten, 1st grade, and so on.

2 days after that conversation, I found a new school. I enlisted a lot of help and really did my homework on this school. I brought Troy and Shane for a tour after I took a tour. All three of us made the decision together and I think that made a big difference for Shane. He started at his new school on Monday and I nervously left him behind, hoping for the best, but fearing the worst. Troy and I are doing the best we can, but it is really scary when you go from place to place, leaving your children in the care of strangers, hoping that they aren't permanently damaged. This is the part of being a working mother that I really don't like and I envy stay-at-home mothers who raise their own children rather than turn it over to complete strangers who claim to be experts in child-rearing.Well, as Monday progressed, I couldn't stop thinking about Shane and how he may be doing. I wanted to call, but I couldn't for fear that I wouldn't hear good news. Troy took the reigns and made the call to see how he was doing and my fears came true - Shane was having a BAD day. One of the worst he has had. I was terrified at how the director of the preschool would react and I was terrified that I had made another mistake in choosing a preschool. The good news is that the director had said that all of his behavior issues are fixable and she wanted to meet with Troy and I about her plan for helping him - this was the first time anyone has reached out to us in a positive way, included us in his discipline at school, and I actually looked forward to hearing what she had to say.

When we met with the director, Susan, she talked with us about his behavior and we also explained to her, again, the problems we have had with other daycare facilities communicating with us about his behavior problems. I also told her that he had gotten away with this behavior because we could not reinforce their rules at home. Susan was wonderful and came up with a plan for him within minutes. We started working with him that day, AS A TEAM! I was thrilled when I picked him up the next day and he had a relatively good day, and then the following 2 days, he had no problems at all! Susan was very clear with us about how to reinforce everything at home, at what point we would need to discipline at home, and Shane has really learned how easy it is to make good choices at his new school. He now knows that he can make good choices!The best part is that this school has a certified, all-day Kindergarten program that he will transition to this summer so we don't have to move him. I am still very nervous about whether or not he will keep up this newfound confidence in his ability to follow the rules and make good choices - but I have so much more hope and confidence in this new school and their ability to help us and him. For the first time in a few years, I went to work today and didn't worry about what would happen when I picked him up that afternoon. I think we have found our angels and Shane has never been so happy when I see him at the end of the day. He feels so good about what he is doing and I am so grateful for our new friends.

My Mother's Day Dream Come True

Once upon a time, I believed that I would never have children. Not by choice - but for reasons that are still a mystery to me. I do believe that whatever those reasons are, they are good ones, because I wouldn't have the children or the life I have now.

I still remember walking into church the first Mother's Day I was experiencing infertility. I sat through the most painful hour as I listened to children sing Mother's Day songs, speakers share their thoughts and feelings about their mothers, and then at the end to have the Mother's Day flowers handed out to all the women in the ward. I felt ashamed that I was given a flower and I felt like it was a spotlight on my failure to become pregnant, almost like a "pity" flower. Year after year, I continued to watch my friends and sisters become mother's and earn their flowers as I continued to get my "pity" flower. My heart broke every morning I woke up and was reminded that I was not a mother and I just couldn't understand why that precious gift was being withheld at that time - I wanted it so badly and I was ready for it.

This Mother's Day, I understand a little better. It has been many years that I have been part of Tyler and Bailey's life and it has been 5 years since I have been Shane's mother, so I have had a few Mother's Days now, but this Mother's Day was different than any of the others.

Shane finally understands what Mother's Day is and he was so excited to give me his gift that he made at school. He couldn't wait until Sunday to give me his gift so I had to open it on Friday after school. Every other year, he would make me gifts at school but didn't understand that it was supposed to go to me so he would get upset if I wanted to keep them. It was funny then, but not the way I had seen that scenario go in my mind. This year, his reaction to Mother's Day was exactly what I had dreamed of in all those years I thought it would never happen. He gave me the perfect gift.

I understand that with stepmotherhood, you aren't typically the first "mother" on the list as far as the Mother's Day school projects go. I treat my stepchildren as my own children and I am not afraid to be their mother, just as if I gave birth to them. But, as much as they love me, I know that I am not their mother and they have a mother. I respect that bond and I never expect to replace her in their lives. I just hope to have my own relationship with them and be a parent to them the best way I know how.

Bailey has never given me a Mother's Day project from school. She has always forgotton until the day of Mother's day and then she would try to scramble at the last minute to give me a gift. It always made me laugh a little and of course she meant well. This year, she took the initiative to talk with her teacher about making two Mother's Day gifts. She was so excited about it, she just could not wait until Mother's Day for me to open my gift, so I opened hers on Friday as well. She gave me a wonderful letter and an exfoliation kit for my hands. That night, she offered to use the kit and gave me a nice hand exfoliation and massage. She gave me the perfect gift.

Tyler comes up with creative things every year, but this year was one that I will always cherish. Tyler is growing up so quickly. He is so smart and I truly enjoy having him around. I miss him when he is at his mother's and as much as he can drive me crazy at times, it is much too quiet when he is gone. It is so much fun to teach him about life, to watch him learn and grow, laugh at him when he thinks he knows it all (which is most of the time), and he is wise beyond his years. However, being a 14 year old boy, I don't really expect too much effort from him when it comes to sentiment. But he really surprised me this year. He spent a few hours putting together a slide show and when I saw what he had done, it was the answer to all of those questions as to why I was not able to have children so many years ago. If I had followed my own plan, I would not have the opportunity to share in the experience in raising Tyler and Bailey. I would not have my Shane. I would have missed so many wonderful memories in being a part of the family I have now. I feel very fortunate to have been given the chance to be Tyler, Bailey, and Shane's mother. I know it has changed me and I only hope that I can make a difference in their lives so one day they can have a positive influence on the world around them. He gave me the perfect gift.

As Mother's Day passed I realized as I looked back on the weekend with my children, that I have been given the perfect gift. I was given the gift of motherhood and I have finally earned my flower.

The great balancing act

These weeks are the ones that are the most difficult. I am a Sales Manager over 8 salesreps in 6 states. Occasionally my job requires me to travel but occasionally our meetings are local so I am still in town but I am required to work longer hours and go to late night dinners. So, I'm here - but I'm really not here. As a working mom, it is more difficult to still be in town during these meetings. It is difficult for the kids because I am still partially in my role as "mom", but I leave my work hat on longer and if I do come home in between meetings, I am more "managerial" than "motherly". Also, from my perspective it is really difficult for my hubby although he handles it well most of the time. He does a great job picking up my slack around the house during this time, but I really try to avoid coming home at all because it is more difficult to balance being mom and manager during these meetings. I don't want to leave my mom hat on too long and find myself tying the General Zone Manager's shoe or cutting the Director of Sales chicken into smaller pieces. Can you imagine?!? I am put there with the big boys trying to prove myself not only as a female manager, but as one of the youngest as well. Those guys know that I am balancing between home and work, so they do watch carefully to see how I handle it. It's a lot of pressure! It also is tough when hubby struggles with me being gone. Most of the time he is very understanding but I think men have a harder time when the wife and mother of the home is out at late meetings. It's tough for them to understand the networking aspect of the job and how important it is towards the advancement of your career. My industry, like many, is a "relationship" business. The more people you know and the closer you are to them, the more successful you will be. Not to say that women understand it better, but women are more used to managing the house without dads help most of the time anyway. Even though both Troy and I work, I do handle most of the household so when I am gone his workload gets very heavy especially when the kids are here. I also feel guilty - I feel like I should be able to be in two places at once. Some of these meetings have ended in arguments, but we do work it out and we try to learn from the experiences so that next time it isn't so challenging. But when you are the wife, mother, and breadwinner the demands to balance work and life are greater. I want to be the best I can be in both worlds and I think we are all surviving through my shortcomings. Of course, I'm sure it gives them all one more thing to discuss with they psychologist one day. :)

I did Not miss my kids! :)

My husband thinks there is something wrong with me.
We went on a great vacation, just the two of us. We were gone for 6 days and 5 nights. 3 of those days, we had no use of our cell phones which meant we had no contact with our children.
I loved every minute of it.
My husband could hardly stand it.
When people ask me what the best part of my trip was - I say that the best part was that I did not have to hear "mom" or "dawn" so many times in one day that I consider changing my name. I could actually sit by the pool for 4 hours without one person asking me for something they needed. The only question I heard was "Can I get you something?" With the exception of my husband, I never hear that phrase from ANYONE. I am very thankful that we have wonderful mothers who were willing to stay with our children so we could take the trip. I have to admit, that if they weren't with them, I probably wouldn't have been so relaxed. But I knew that they were probably having just as much as I was with their Grandmothers.

The other best part of the trip, was that my husband was unable to text or call any of his friends everytime we were out on the sea. I had his full and complete attention!! I know I was in an exotic city with beautiful sights and lots of fun, but the best part was having him with me and enjoying every moment alongside me. We fell in love all over again and grew closer together. I am so fortunate that we had that time together. I hope that every couple has an opportunity to do something like that. I worry sometimes that once the children are gone and life slows down that we will find ourselves struggling to find things in common, but trips like this show me that we have a great time together when it is just us and I truly can't wait for the time that it is just us - empty nest (although pretty far away still), doesn't seem so scary anymore.

The Great Escape

Home is such a great escape from work, but then again, Work can be a great escape from home. Sometimes, I feel very blessed to have my two worlds where I can escape from one and run to another. Occassionally, I will have a bad day at work and I look forward to coming home where everyone loves me and needs me. Occassionally I will have a bad day at home and look forward to going to work where everyone is happy to have me there. Most of the time it flip-flops and there are those occasional days when I have great days at work and home and other times where I have a bad day at work and at home - those are the hardest days.



Are you completely confused? Don't worry - I get confused a lot. :)



Remember how I said that life can be about juggling as many balls as you possibly can? Well, there are some days at work where all 8 of my employees need me for something and I have to pick and choose who's needs are more important. Inevitably someone gets forgotten about or left out. I hate when that happens because I don't want to let them down. Thank goodness they recognize I am human and can't do it all. At home, it's the same. I'll get home from a day of being pulled in a thousand directions and I come home to my family who also all need something from me. I have the same problem. I want to take care of everyone, but inevitably someone (usually my husband) gets forgotten about or left out. I have to say that it is a nice feeling when everyone wants my attention no matter where I go! As challenging as it is, I think my hardest days are when no one needs my help with something. My days/nights drag and I find myself looking for ANYTHING to do. It's like driving a car at 100mph and coming to a school zone where you have to drive 15mph (in Nevada, that's the law). You are so used to going fast, that the minute you go slow, you tend to count the minutes until you can step on the gas and get back up to 100mph. I forget that in those moments of being forced to move that slowly it gives me an opportunity to look around, enjoy the scenary, take my time, and actually see and hear the things that are going on around me.



My greatest escape of all is when I lie in bed at night and think about all the good things that happened during the day. Somedays it is harder to pick out good things, but if I can think of a success that I had while at work and a success at home, I feel pretty satisfied with my today and I realize just how happy I am to have the life that I do.

Will I ever sleep again??

Here's a question - how many mother's actually get a full 8 hours of sleep?? I think I am lucky if I get a full 5 hours.
You would think that on Saturdays, I could actually sleep until maybe 8am, considering I have to get up at 5am during the week. It's pretty sad when I am excited that I actually got to sleep until 6:30am. Shane is an early riser and no matter how many times I ask him to be quiet in the mornings, he just can't help himself. He has a wonderful imagination and some mornings I wake up to his imaginative games and all the noise that comes with them. It's great having an active child.
I must confess that part of my problem is that there are some really good television shows on these days and some nights I am up until 11pm trying to catch up - usually because I am still working on my "motherly" duties until 9pm. I get home at 4pm from picking up children and I immediately jump into homework and chores. I try to get a workout in, because really I need the stress-reducing exercise. Do kids really need to eat? It takes at least 3 hours per night cooking dinner, cleaning up the dinner mess, and then I start all over making lunches and then I have to clean up the lunch-making mess. Why don't I wait and clean up all at once, you ask? Because I am a crazy, neat freak that can't work in a kitchen unless it is clean. Besides, maybe if they don't eat, they won't grow and then I won't have to keep buying them new clothes every other month. In theory, it's a great idea. But at some point, my son, the human garbage disposal, will have to eat or he will destroy my clean kitchen attempting to feed himself.
Shane and I are having a mommy and me day today. We saw "Alice in Wonderland" this morning and tonight we are going to Claim Jumper for dinner. I asked him where he wanted to go to dinner and he asked to go to the place that has "the really big cheese sticks". Claim Jumper is the only restaurant that serves Mozzarella Cheese the size of your arm. It's nice having a child who chooses a nice restaurant to eat at instead of Chuck E. Cheese or McDonald's.

March 19, 2010

I often wonder how a stay-at-home mom survives. I often hear from stay-at-home mom's that they don't know how a working mom survives. Let's face it - neither role is easier than the other. Both roles have many benefits, but many trials as well. Rewards can be many or few - depending on the day. I wanted to write this so I could have an opportunity to share my views as a working mom - and the so many joys and trials that come with it.



I thought of a new saying tonight - "Life is about how many balls you can juggle all at one time."



I think that is an accurate description of my life.



My life, although I wouldn't have it any other way, is chalk full of challenges. I have a 5-year-old boy who is my miracle. In my early twenties, I began to struggle with infertility and after many years of heartbreaking fertility, I decided to focus on my career and build another life for myself since being a mother did not seem to be in my future. Ironic.



I went back to school to complete my Bachelor's in Management. My life went through a period of changes during that time. I ended up divorced, found a new freedom I had never experienced, and ended up pregnant. Many people told me "oh, it's because you stopped trying!" I am here to tell you - that there is no explanation for how I became pregnant, because I have never been able to duplicate it even though I have not been trying as all those genius' suggested.



By the time I had my son, I was sucked into the business world and loved feeling the success. My career was mine - no one else's. And no matter what, no one could take that feeling from me. I wanted it, craved it, and even when my sweet baby boy came into the world, I found myself missing it. I was torn all through maternity leave. I ached to be near my new baby and I ached to be working, driving my career every day. I felt guilty for not being with my son and I felt guilty for not being at work.



Once I was back to work, I found I wanted more than what I had. So, I changed jobs and began hunting for my perfect career move. All the while, I continued to juggle motherhood and make sure that I was a dedicated mother at home. I have learned the fine art of leaving my work at work. When I leave work, I put my "mom" hat on, and I do not bring my work hat home. I think this has been the best decision I have made in regards to my career and my family. But, I never leave my "mom" hat at home. I carry it with me all day because I never know when I may get a call or a text from one of them looking for "mom". Life balance is so important and I am lucky to be part of a company that recognizes that importance.



Over time, I have remarried a wonderful man who supports me in my career and willingly accepts me as the breadwinner - not an easy thing for most men and their egos. Along with my husband came his three children (only two live with us). So much for accpeting that my future did not include motherhood! My life went from crazy to CRAZY overnight and I have not looked back since.



I have many "hats". I am the boss, financial advisor, problem solver, therapist, decision maker, boo-boo kisser, teacher, taxi driver, and ATM. I'm sure there are more - but I can't think of any at the moment. I know that as a working mother, I miss out on some the joys of raising my children - but I take responsibility for my children's education and I make sure I am involved so they know I care. But I also know that I can handle all of the challenges that are a result of being a working mom. I travel quite a bit, but I still manage to make as many of their activities as I possibly can. I attend my meetings and I will rearrange my day in order to attend one of their concerts or school events. I believe I can have it all and I believe my children have the best of me - because I work.



Thank goodness today is over, but I can't wait for tomorrow!