During this very difficult week, Shane came to me with some very interesting questions and conversations. I am so amazed at how smart he is sometimes. He has such a wonderful, curious mind. And so often I underestimate his ability to grasp some more mature concepts.
Shane - "Mom, am I your only child"
Me - "Yes, you are my only child"
Shane - "Mom, are you going to have another one?"
Me - "No Shane, you will always be my only child."
Shane - "Well, I want a baby sister."
Me - "I'm sorry sweetheart, I won't be able to give you a baby sister."
Shane - "Yes you can."
Me - "no, I really can't. It's hard to explain, but I am not able to have any more babies."
Shane - "Well, Tyler and Bailey's mom had more than one baby. She had Tyler, then a few years later, she had Bailey. If she can have two babies, then you can have two babies. I know it."
Me - "Shane, I know you want a baby sister but it just can't happen for me."
Shane - "Well, Bailey was born a lot of years after Tyler. You just need to wait a few more years and then you can have a baby sister for me. That's how it works."
Me - I stood there with my mouth open, not sure what to say and he walked away with that statement as if that was the decision and the end of discussion.
I had my surgery. The tubal ligation is done and I will not be able to give Shane a baby sister unfortunately. This conversation with Shane happened on Saturday. I knew that after that I was going to have to talk with him about what had happened.
When I returned home from my surgery yesterday, he was so sweet. He didn't leave my side. He would help me stand from the couch, walk to the bathroom, he put lotion on my dried out feet, and most importantly he gave me lots of hugs and loves. As he sat on my bed with me I explained to him what had happened in my surgery.
Me- "Shane, I need to tell you about my surgery today. I know you want a baby sister, but the surgery I had to today made it so I can't have anymore babies."
Shane (as his eyes welled up with big, crocodile tears) - "why?"
Me - "because mommy can't have babies as easily other mommies can. I just want to enjoy being your mommy."
Shane - "you can't have babies easy?"
Me - "no I can't. I'm sorry. I know you wanted a baby sister, but you will always be my only baby."
Shane - "But I am going to be all alone. After you die, I will be all alone!"
Me - "no, you will never be alone. You will have your own wife and your own babies one day. And you have Tyler and Bailey and your papa dad."
Shane - "but my papa dad will die before you!"
Me - "Shane, you will have your own babies one day - maybe even your own baby girl. You will not be alone. I promise"
Shane (trying to hold it together, but the tears were slowly falling down his cheeks) - "okay"
And he gave me a hug, held on tight, and said "I love you"
I know these things are hard for children his age to understand, but it seems my son has the ability to process some concepts that are beyond his years. He is so concerned about when I die and being alone. I'm not even certain why this is a concern for him, but it is. Even though this seems to be a bit too adult of a conversation for him, I felt it was important to tell him the truth. I don't want him going through the next few years thinking that a baby sister would be coming soon. It wouldn't be fair to him. The rest of the evening, he didn't leave my side. He is such a sweet boy. And he was such a gentleman, taking such good care of his mommy. It's those moments I feel like I must be doing something right with him. Our conversation did not end with that one however. After he had some time to think about it, he asked me again this morning before he left for school.
Shane - "Mom, if you can have babies easily like other moms, how did you have me?"
Me (thinking - Not ready for the sex talk with my six-year-old! what now?!?!) - "I don't know. You were a miracle baby. That's why you are so special."
Shane (sitting and thinking for a minute, deciding if he will accept that explanation, finally let me of the hook and said) - "I'm a miracle baby? What is that?"
Me - "I didn't think I was going to have any babies. And then, I had you. I was surprised when I had you. That's why you are my miracle."
And with that he gave me a big hug, seemingly satisfied with the answers he received. I am certain he will have more questions. For whatever reason I was blessed to have him as my only son. He truly is my miracle.
