I often think of this picture. Look at him....he is so tiny, so vulnerable. He is so new to life and he is looking to me to give him a safe place to grow up and learn about all the things life has to bring.
We have had our challenges, him and I. But he loves me unconditionally. It amazes me. A child's love is the most precious thing I have ever had in my life.
My boy is so sweet. I am so thankful for modern day medicine that we have been able to find the right combination of assistance so he may be the sweet, kind soul that he is. He is genuinely a good person, despite my faults in raising him and despite his medical challenges. His teacher told me that he his a "role model" in his class. He is smart and helps the students around him. I watch him during his football practice and games, he encourages and cheers on his teammates. He rally's around the ones who are afraid or uncertain. He celebrates others victories. I watched him the other day at Walmart, in the game room, trying to get a stuffed animal out of a machine. He has gotten pretty good at those machines. He actually was able to get a stuffed spiderman pillow out of there. There was a younger boy near him that was so excited for him and Shane turned to the boy, asked him if he wanted the pillow. I was stunned. I asked him why he gave his prize away and he said "because he wanted to have it". It was so easy for him to be charitable. We were talking the other day about how this year is going for him so far and I asked him if he is enjoying school and football. He says "yes and it's all because of you, mom." I was very surprised and asked "why do you say that?" He said "Because you took me to all the doctors and you got me my medicine. It's all because of you."
I have longed to see this boy as happy as he is now. He bounces home from school, excited about his day. He smiles and laughs a lot more. He accepts challenges and has so much more confidence. Yesterday we went on a bike ride and rode down a very steep hill. He was very confident (probably a little too much) and as he flew down that hill, I tried to instruct him and he lost his balance and fell. It was a scary, hard fall. He cried harder than I think I have ever seen him and he insisted he would be walking his bike the rest of the way home. After he pulled himself together, I told him to get back on the bike and we were going to get down that hill. He listened to my instructions and asked me not to leave his side. Minutes later, we made it down that hill. He rode his bike the rest of the way home. I was so proud of my boy for getting back on that bike even though he was scared.
As I packed up my house this weekend, I pulled this picture off of the wall. I question so many times if I am doing the right things. Everything I do, I do for me and I do for him. As hard as some of these decisions are, ultimately, I put him first. This picture reminds me so many times when I question myself, that he is entrusting me to keep him safe, guide him through life. And only God truly knows how hard I try. Some days I think I fall harder than others, but I get back up and try again. He gave me this sweet boy and oh, how lucky I am to have him. Nothing else in this world will ever be as important to me as he is. I know he trusts me and I hope that I do not fail him.
My tiny baby will be a big, gigantic boy before I know it. His feet are already a size 5 at age 8. I'm sure he will be taller than me by the time he is in 8th grade. I am so excited to spend every day with him, watching him learn and grow through each day of struggles. I have said before and I say again, I learn much more from him than he will probably ever learn from me. I just hope that he feels safe in his mother's hands and I am able to provide him with that sense of security, acceptance, and love no matter what challenges we face.
