To assume or not to assume....

That is the question as I sit here on a plane for 5 hours. I am realizing that this is probably my biggest issue with communication breakdown. I am just going to come out and say it....I have been seeing a therapist. And you know what? I am not ashamed of it. I have come to understand that life is so hard sometimes. Sometimes it really helps to have an impartial view, someone who will listen. Rather than find fault, he helps me understand who I am and how I can improve my communication skills so I can have healthy relationships.

One thing he has lead me to see is that I assume a lot in my relationships, during conversations where emotions may run high, I will tend to read nonverbal cues or react to past experiences which bring back memories or feelings of hurt in the past. Rather than clarify what is happening in the conversation, I may react or jump to conclusions. I become a mind reader and immediately decide that the other person must be thinking and feeling the way I am interpreting. One of two things happen, I shut down or I lose my mind. It's really a roll of the dice.

After the discussion about how people tend to assume rather than ask clarifying questions, I started to notice how often I assume. I don't do it ALL the time. Sometimes I can step back and ask questions. But depending on the sensitivity of the situation or the relationship, sometimes it is easier to take step back where other times, I ride the wave of emotions and see where I end up. There have been many things happening in my life, in my relationships, where I have needed to retrain my brain. It is NOT easy. But, I have to say that it is easier to take that step back and try to ask questions, remind myself not to assume what another is thinking or feeling. Easier than having to go back and repair the damage I may have done as a result no matter if my assumptions were correct or not.

I have had many experiences that have reshaped my thought process throughout life. With experience in life, comes a lesson to be learned. I do appreciate all of the experiences I have. I recognize that those experiences have made me who I am. They have brought happiness, pain, joy, and sadness. But somedays I wish I could erase the memories of the feelings I have had at times because I do struggle with misinterpreting others as a result.

So as I communicate at work, in my family relationships, in my friendships I will try to ask myself, "I am assuming? Do I really know what he/she means? Are they really meaning to hurt me?". Usually not, and so far, I have a much easier time communicating my own feelings if I start to ask questions rather than react.

I do know there are many people out there who use manipulation and passive aggressiveness as a weapon in communication. I don't think that is a healthy way to build relationships and I try not to engage in it. I usually try to avoid those types of relationships altogether. But, at the end of the day I am responsible for me. I have to look in the mirror and feel good about what I have said or done over the course of the day. Some nights I lose sleep over how I may have responded to an email, text, or in a conversation. So I will continue in my quest of retraining my brain not to assume and to overcome those feelings of my past that cause me to react.

I am sure I am not the only one who struggles with this. Otherwise why would books be written about it? So just ask yourself "to assume or not?". Relationships may depend on it.

This is why I believe in Angels

I have struggled with faith and prayer for many, many years. Probably more years than most people realize. I try to be a positive person…although some days are harder than others. Hope has not come easily for me. But, I do believe that there is a power greater than all of us that can bring hope and peace. I feel that everyone has the right to give this “power” any name they feel is appropriate. I do not believe that anyone has the right to dictate what this “power” is. It is a very personal, very sacred thing for each and every one of us. I respect the beliefs of others in their personal “power”. I will gladly say a prayer for anyone who asks because I do feel it is important when supporting and loving others to help anyway I can. And just because I do not believe in the same philosophies and principles that others do, doesn’t mean that I cannot offer up a prayer for others. Just because my beliefs are different than others, does not mean that I cannot love and support in a way that is most important to the ones I care for most in this world.

With all the struggles I have had with my son recently, I have thought a great deal about this power and how to channel into it so I can find hope and peace. In my moments of worry and grief, the greatest amount of peace I have found is within this power. I still sit back on occasion and say a prayer when I am at a loss of where I can find the peace I need to give me strength to take a step forward. Life is about taking each step, one at a time. Sometimes, I am not sure I can take any more steps. And when I can’t, miraculously, Angels appear.

A few months ago, I was having one of these moments. I didn’t know what to do to make things better for myself. I felt lost in my own life. I didn’t know who I was…yet again. I thought “I’m 35 years old! How can I not know who I am?” I felt like I was failing as a parent. My son was struggling and I didn’t know what to do to help him. My family has felt the effects of the stress. My husband and I were arguing more often than not. I felt like I was on edge all the time. I felt very much alone, ashamed, and not-so-positive. One day when I wanted to just quit, that was the moment I prayed. I sat back, closed my eyes and breathed deeply. My prayer was simple, “please help me get through this.” That was all I said.

Since that time, there have been many small miracles happen in my life, brought by Angels. They are good people who genuinely want to help, who are selfless, have the ability to be supportive without expecting anything in return, or who chose professions simply because they wanted to be in environment where they could make a difference. I am fortunate enough to have all of those types appear in our lives. And I am certain that wasn’t by accident. I am sure there was a higher power involved that brought these good people into my life to help me with my challenges. And my very simple prayer helped me to recognize them and what they were trying to do.

There are so many bad things in this world that so many are reacting to the bad things; it becomes increasingly difficult to notice those things in life that are good and right. The bad things are so loud, so noticeable. The good things are quiet, unassuming, and tend to go unnoticed by most. But without those good things, good people how can any of us find hope and peace?

That power that we believe in, no matter what you name it, is found in every single one of us. I believe in Angels because I believe that the power within in each of us can give us the strength we need to be a support to someone else. If we let go of the fear and selfishness long enough to appreciate the strength we gain from others, it will also give us the ability to choose to be that strength for others when they need it the most. Most of the time we probably don’t even know when we are being that strength for others. My Angels probably have no clue that I have drawn my strength from them or the impact they have had on my life. They have helped me find that hope and peace by helping me find my next steps in my challenges. They have changed my life, my son’s life, and that is powerful. They helped me find a solid ground to stand on so I can feel confident in who I am, find resources that I need to get the answers I need, not only in relation to what is going on with Shane, but for the struggles I have had for myself as well.

I believe that good things aren’t just found in random acts of kindness. The random acts of kindness that seem to draw the most attention, broadcast on the news, and talked about among groups of people. The best things are found in people who are simply….good and kind to others.

I am inspired by these Angels to remember how important it is to be good and kind because I will never know how my influence may have an impact.

For those in my life who have carried me these past few months…Thank you for being my Angels.

When the working mom must travel...

During the first three months of this year, I have traveled on business a lot. I also anticipate that I will travel a little more than I had in the past. For me, there are so many anxieties that go along with traveling. But don’t get me wrong….I LOVE going on business trips.

Growing up and until the last few years, I have always been an introvert. I have started to come out of my introverted ways and learn to become more extroverted through some life lessons. Oftentimes I am afraid of my own shadow. I tend to be afraid to try new things, meet new people, and get outside my comfort zone. When I chose my career, I had no idea that I was going to have to force myself outside of who I was comfortable being in order to attain my goals. Anytime I spoke in front of a group of people about business topics or in meetings, my voice would be shaky and I would get sweaty, hot, red – not pretty at all. Assertiveness has always been challenging for me. Before I leave for a business trip, I get very nervous. I feel as if I’m about to go on a roller coaster ride for the first time. And I love roller coasters. But every time I ride one, I still feel nervous. That is part of the appeal. Getting the butterflies, knowing what to expect but not being certain if I can handle it. It is really scary for me to embark on these trips. Especially to go alone. I am more comfortable having a “wingman” (or woman) that will bring me along, take me under their wing, and introduce me to people. Recently, I was passed up for a promotion because I tend more to sit in the shadows of others rather than assert myself. Well, that was enough to push me away from my fears because I want more for myself than I have in my career. Sure, I am told that I am a valued employee with strong skills (blah, blah, blah). But I have realized that if I want opportunities, no matter how much people appreciate me and respect me in my roll, I have to create those opportunities for myself. In order to create those opportunities, I have to travel a bit.

When I go, I have to trust that things will run the way they should. I have to hope that Shane will not struggle too much without me. I worry that things will not be taken care of properly. Because as most moms know, when mom is gone things just don’t run as smoothly. We love dads, but men aren’t really known for their homemaking or multi-tasking capabilities (I know there are exceptions!). I also usually have to have my wonderful mother-in-law come in to help and if she can’t, I have to hire someone to help our family in my absence. When I return, if everyone survived my absence and the house isn’t turned upside down then I’m happy.

Women often face difficult choices between family and career. We make a lot of sacrifices in our careers for our family and sometimes we must sacrifice a few things in our family for the career. But given the choice, women will often choose family first because it is our nature. I like to think I can have it all. I like to think that I don’t have to sacrifice anything, that I can have the best of both worlds. Very naïve of me, I know. But, I still face those choices often and I am fortunate to work for a company that believes in the “Family First” philosophy. At the end of the day, my career is important to my family. What continue to build for myself in my career has also built some levels of comfort in our home that we would not enjoy without it. So I may have to sacrifice a few things with the family in order to provide for my family, at the same time I get to enjoy what I am doing as well. I am very fortunate to have a supportive family who wants to see me succeed and fortunate to have such a fun career where I can have incredible opportunities for myself.

I Love Happy Accidents!

Sometimes I have an idea that isn’t really thought out, I just do it not really expecting anything to come from it. Not long ago, I had what I like to call a “Happy Accident”. I did something just because I was having a crazy evening and my brain was having a hard time staying on track.

About two weeks ago, I had a crazy night. I picked up all the children and came home. Tyler and Bailey have their routines. They are awesome at coming home and doing what they need to do. But, I still spend some time with them going over their grades and listening to the happenings of their lives, making sure I am keeping up with their activities as well. At the same time, Shane still had to finish some homework and has a really hard time on the nights that Tyler and Bailey are there because he has to share my attention. They can also be very distracting because he likes to know what everyone is doing all the time. He hates to share my attention with anyone so he does everything he can to get my attention on these nights. When it is just him and I, he knows he can get my attention at any point so he doesn’t act up nearly as much. It is like I’m running a three-ring circus around the house when the day is over, especially during the days when there are extracurricular activities.

One evening in particular, he had homework to finish, dinner to eat, we were baking a cake for Troy for his birthday, nightly chores, and he had to get ready for bed. For Tyler and Bailey, these tasks are robotic for them. They just know this is our routine, every night. For Shane, he doesn't function as easily as the other two with his routine. Children with ADHD struggle with sequencing. If something distracts them, they get off task very easily. They also cannot go from A-B-C without being constantly reminded of the routine. I still have a great deal of things that I am trying to do for the family and for me. That night, I had so sit with Shane through everything he had to get done. I had to sit with him while he read his book and his sight words, sit with him and keep him focused on eating dinner, walk him through taking out the trash and cleaning up his room. All the while trying to give Tyler and Bailey the attention they need, getting dinner prepared, and trying to get a quick run or workout done for me.

Needless to say, Shane and I were both having a very hard time staying on track with what needed to be done. So, on a whim, I wrote down everything that I needed Shane to focus on and all the things I needed to get done for the evening. I do make lists on occasion when I am overwhelmed because it helps me stay focused. At the end of our list was “watch TV”. That was the light at the end of our tunnel. The rest of the night, when he got lost or off task, I would refer him back to his “to-do” list to get him back on track. If I got confused or forgot what was next for him to do, I could refer back to the list. It was amazing how much easier that was for both of us. I tried it the next evening and the next morning. Again, things ran a bit more smoothly for us. So, I decided to get him a dry erase board for his room where we could right down his to-do list every morning to get ready for school and every afternoon when we got home. At the end of each list is “Watch TV”. And because he is very structured, his brain does not skip around the board. He has to follow the list exactly as it is written. He absolutely will not go out of order. So, until everything else is done, he will not watch TV. It is very interesting to watch how he functions sometimes. In many cases, I can use his tendencies to my advantage. It’s learning what they are that is pretty tricky. Of course, we have checks and balances to make sure he is actually completing the task on his list because I am well aware that he could just cross something off a list without actually doing it. In the mornings, my goal is to make sure he is sitting in front of the TV, backpack ready, and jacket on, so when it’s time to go there is not scrambling to make sure everything has been done. So far, things have been working with this new idea, my “Happy Accident”. We still have our struggles, he still has challenges with staying focused on task. This is definitely not a magic cure, but it has helped so much.

As I have been reading books on ADHD, they actually recommended creating a list like this or a chart that helps them stay on task. I felt pretty smart for coming up with this one on my own. :) And it is good to see Shane getting through his list in a positive way rather than having me nag him and get after him, which is more negative for him. He actually feels a sense of accomplishment every time he marks something off his list. We both feel much more confident and I am not nearly as anxious about what our afternoons are going to look like now. I’m sure the same goes for him as well.

Change #1 - The New Diet

A lot of changes have taken place in our home over the past few weeks. And it has been rather challenging.

After starting the evaluation process, I began talking to a few friends about some short-term solutions on how to help improve Shane’s behavior.

We started with his diet. It was very difficult since Shane has step-siblings who do not have to be on any kind of special diet. I am trying to eliminate as much sugar as I possibly can. It is amazing to me just how much sugar is in everything. I have been on a mission to find things that are natural sugars and complex carbohydrates, eliminated white sugars, refined or processed foods, and foods containing dyes. This means that there are so many things that he loves to eat that he can no longer have such as Corn Pops, Granola Bars, fruit cups, Gatorade, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and I could go on.

I felt it was very important that he get to choose what foods he can eat. So, we took a trip to the store together to pick some new items for him. It was also a bit of a mourning process for him because as we went down the cereal aisle, I taught him how to read food labels and what is an acceptable amount of sugar and what is not. I can live with 2-3 grams of sugar, but anything more than that is a “no-no”. So, as he realized that his yummy cereals were on the list of what-not-to-eat, he cried, hugged the cereal box and said a very sad goodbye. We did this with a few other items as well but I think all-in-all it was important to have him involved so he would understand why we were doing this, not just because I said so.

Now, we only buy fresh fruits and vegetables for him to eat. He has high protein meals. He drinks water and unsweetened Almond Silk – which he thinks tastes just like milk. And any chips or cracker he has is only whole grain and gluten-free. He does still get the occasional treat, after all he is still a kid, but I make sure that it is only on the weekends where I can monitor his behavior. For the most part, he has adjusted to the changes in his diet.

Occasionally he still gets upset or sad when he is not allowed to have something that the other kids have, and that’s okay.

Some parents may judge me for discussing ADHD and the impacts it has on him with Shane, but I have felt that it is very important that he understand why we are making the changes we are. Part of his struggle is that he does not handle change well, so in order for him to understand what is happening, to prepare him for upcoming changes in his life, he needs to understand why. In my opinion, and I’m sure some disagree, I don’t think it’s fair to expect children to go along with something just because I am the adult and he should respect that and listen to what I say. Obviously there is a line here so there will be few times when things do not need to be explained, but I try to be as open and honest with Shane as possible and as often as I can be. Besides, there is no magical cure for ADHD. He will struggle with this his entire life. The best thing I think I can do for him is start educating him now on the tools he needs to manage it so that one day he will be able to be successful in life, on his own.

How I am raising my son…with ADHD

My son was asked to leave his first daycare program at the age of 16 months. Six daycare programs and six years later, I have finally realized that those environments have only made our lives more difficult instead of helping. It has taken me this many years to realize and accept that my son is different and it is not just a phase he will grow out of.
Over the years I have heard advice on how to raise my son, discipline my son, and provide positive reinforcement that will help him change his behavior miraculously. I have had childcare providers with twenty or more years of experience telling me they have all the answers. I have been told by therapists that he is acting out as a result of his father moving away.
But, year after year as I watch him grow, I watch him continue to struggle. He struggles with things that come so easily for other children. He struggles with even simple tasks like getting ready for bed, taking out the garbage. Our other two children never have these issues and I have not been able to understand why he cannot function the way that other children can. I have researched different types of behavioral problems. I have purchased quite a few books on different theories about why he has had so many challenges and behavioral problems. I have found bits and pieces of answers to some of my questions, but nothing has helped to improve our situation. I have spent a lot of time trying to understand what I am doing wrong, how I have failed him, how to be a better mother to him, and I lay awake at nights worrying if he will be okay.
When someone suggested to me that I may consider that he has ADHD, I did not really believe it. My son is a smart boy. He does well in school. Even with his behavior issues, he scored high marks in Kindergarten and continues to exceed standards in 1st grade. I thought children with ADHD did poorly in school. With him, it is strictly behavioral, so I dismissed it. I did hold him back a year because of his behavior. I held him back because I thought that his behavior was just a maturity issues, given a year, he would improve. Once he started kindergarten, the behavioral issues continued although his scholastic abilities were outstanding. I decided to put him in a private school thinking the smaller classroom size and resources would be much better than with a public school. However, as with every program he has been in, I began receiving phone calls regarding his explosive tantrums, not listening and disrespecting teachers, hitting and kicking teachers, and mistreating other children. My son is big for his age, a year older than the other children, so when he is physical with other children it is very scary for everyone. Parents see him as a threat to their children. Teachers are unable to physically remove him from situations because of his size and strength. If he makes a bad choice and is reprimanded, he tends to have a full-blown anxiety attack which makes the situation worse. It often leaves adults shaking their head and assuming that his parents just give him whatever he wants so he is throwing a tantrum. I try to do everything I can to work with schools and the time I spent with his Kindergarten teacher was above and beyond, for both of us. However, the school eventually made the decision that Shane was too much a liability for them and they were concerned about losing business because they could not control his behavior and they asked us to leave. When first grade began, we went back to the public school system. As he has continued to struggle, I was again asked if I thought it was a possibility he had ADHD, again I dismissed it until a dear friend asked if I had actually researched ADHD and if I was afraid of it. I admitted I had not researched it (shame on me), but was open to any possibility if it will help my son. Rather than lecture me about what ADHD is and why she thought my son had it, she wisely advised me to research it before I made up my mind. That night, I found an article that should have been titled “Shane Hepner”. The article described my son and all of his tendencies perfectly. I immediately began the process for having him evaluated, which we are in the middle of now. The school has been a great resource for us, although the process is slow. But, I finally feel like we are in a place where we can get assistance we need to help him improve.
One of the biggest struggles I have had over the years is having a support group; parents of children like mine who have struggled to know how to handle a child when he is having an explosive tantrum. I struggle to find childcare providers and teachers who actually have the ability to work with a child like Shane. I have providers asking ME what to do when he gets in one of his “moods” and starts to lose control over his body and mind. They ask me like I’m supposed to know in all of my 7 years of parenting experience.
So much of this is trial and error. I realize that many parents use the “trial and error” method, but that is in the foundation of a simple parenting concept “A+B=C”. When you have a child has physical or mental limitations, this simple equation turns algebraic in seconds. You find yourself having to spend a little more time and patience to work the problem in order to get the correct answer. Now, if anyone has ever taken algebra or other more challenging math classes, you know that it can be very frustrating to solve a problem, especially when you don’t understand how to solve it and there are no steps to explain how to solve it. I remember as a child I would sit and try to do long division for long periods of time, in tears, because I just couldn’t figure it out. Now I am a bit of a numbers girl. I love math, have even taken math classes for fun. So, I am hoping that at some point, as I continue to go through the steps of each problem we encounter, I will begin to become more skilled with parenting my child.
In thinking about this whole process, I realized that if I have struggled there must be many others. So, if I share my experiences and what I have tried, maybe someone will benefit from my ideas, solutions, and even failures. So, I thought I would start sharing some of the stories that I have on a daily basis. What daily challenges Shane has and what I have done to work through it. Maybe someone will have better solutions for me, maybe someone will benefit from my solutions.
For the first time in years I remember what it feels like to hope. Hope that there are others out there who can give me new ideas. Hope that my son can grow up and be happy, successful and rebuild his young self-esteem. That hope takes me to the next step in this process where the hopelessness I felt for so many years defeated me daily. I have hope that I can be good mother to my son and actually meet his very special needs. I have hope that I will not fail him because I feel confident that I am fighting a real battle for him now, not just invisible demons.