January...Thank you for being over!!

January was a difficult month…..Let me rephrase… If there was a test to be had in my life, I’m pretty sure it happened in January.


I took on the responsibility of the secretary position on the executive board in December for our youth football program. I was really excited to take on something new and use the skills I have developed over the years to give back to the community. All I can say is ….. Oh Boy, did I jump in with two feet.

Some things at work have changed, beginning this month my employee count nearly doubled in size. I have 15 sales reps who work for me. I love this group, truly was a change I needed. But again, I have jumped in with two feet and it has really been great getting to work with these guys in the short period I have so far. I think we all needed the change and it did reenergize us.

I’ve been preparing my divorce papers this month. Yes, I am filing for divorce. We all have to live with our choices, good and bad. But sometimes you have to follow a road you think will have the outcome you believe in. Years later, you realize how horribly wrong you were. But thankfully, I refuse to settle or put my child through that kind of life simply to prove a point. I am stubborn, but not THAT stubborn. And although some may judge me for not “sticking it out”, all I can say is that it is really easy to make decisions when you are on the outside looking in. I am thankful every day that I have a second chance in this life to make everything right. It’s not every day you get that and I will not forget what I went through to get to this point, what I lost and what I have been so fortunate to get back now.

My dog started having seizures this month. It first happened three weeks ago and then again yesterday. It was awful the first time it happened. He had his first seizure in my son’s bed in the middle of the night. I was headed to bed and heard quite a ruckus in the next room, of course I thought the boys (Shane and Beemer) were playing. But instead I found Beemer lying next to my son in the middle of a grand mal seizure and I had no clue what was going on. I cannot even begin to describe it, but I sent Shane to my room and waited for it to pass. Honestly, the way he laid there, I thought he was dead. All I could think about was how I was going to tell my boy that his dog, best friend, and “brother-from-another-mother” had passed away lying next to him in his bed. And as I broke down, he blinked his eyes and began to come back around. About ten minutes later he was my sweet puppy again. But he continued with the seizures every two hours after that throughout the night. He is still part of this family and we will love our puppy for as long as he will have us.

And if that isn’t enough, Shane has had an awful month. It hasn’t been this bad since last year about this time. The last 3-4 weeks have been some of the hardest we have had in awhile. When I say hardest, I mean physically exhausting and emotionally draining.

I love my son, very much. I would move heaven and earth for him if I could.

I hate that he has to struggle as he tries to figure out how to function in a world that is so much more different than he is. He is a round peg, trying desperately to fit into a square hole. I am thankful for those few people who appreciate who he is and celebrate his little daily wins with me (you know who you are). Most days, I have had to fight these battles alone. Thankfully, his father will be moving back to Reno soon and I will have some relief and daily support.

We adjusted his meds again recently as he is growing and is now at a point that he needs a maximum dosage, but it seems that the higher the dosage the harder the come down is at night for him. I have to race him home to get homework and chores done before his meds start to wear off or I struggle all night to keep him on task. Lately, his “come downs” have been occurring earlier. He already doesn’t transition well from being at school all day to coming home at night.

So we started on a new medication. He takes the same dosage of concerta he took before. Concerta is a stimulant that helps him focus, stay on task, and controls his hyperactivity throughout the day. However, he also has a lot of problems with aggression and impulse issues which is generally where he tends to get in trouble. In order to feel comfortable, he has to control his surroundings at all times. It is the OCD part of ADHD. Everything has to be “just so”, and rules have to be followed by everyone else. So if something falls out of that comfort zone, he becomes determined to fix it so he is comfortable again. So, in order to bring down the aggression and impulse issues, he started taking another medication. So, while one is bringing him up, the other is bringing him down hoping to find a balance in the middle somewhere. I feel like I am conducting yet another scientific experiment on my child. And at the end of the day, I know I am doing what I can do to try to make things better for him, but I just wish there was an easier way.

I sometimes wish I would wake up and he wouldn’t have to deal with this disability (YES, DISABILITY), I hate seeing him suffer with his own struggles both independently and socially. It breaks my heart that he is watched like a hawk to make sure he isn’t putting other children at danger, that he rarely is invited to birthday parties, or sleepovers. We have wonderful friends in our neighborhood who have been great with Shane, and I can always count on them to love and accept him for who he is. I appreciate all they do and their acceptance of him because it is rare. I get it; I understand he is so difficult to handle at times so I don’t take it personally when he is left out of the social circles of his different friends. He seems to be okay with it, so that’s all that matters to me. But I am forever grateful to that family who is so sensitive to his needs.

I’ve also continued my training. I am determined to participate in all of my 5k’s, triathlon, and two new events this year – Tough Mudder and The DaVita Ride. Both will test my endurance and will be some of the most difficult physical tests I have ever had. There I go jumping in with two feet again (how many feet do I have, you ask??)

Oh and to top it off, I decided that during the month of January, I made the choice NOT to drink any alcohol or soda. Okay, so I cheated with a few little 8 oz cans of Pepsi Max during wrestling. Sometimes those things get really slow and I need a pick me up! What can I say?

So, needless to say, I am VERY grateful for February. And the rest of 2013 should be a cake walk, right?