The Papp Family 2011

The Papp Family 2011

Rather than be over ambitious and create Christmas cards I am doing a blog (let's face it, I'm not very good at the whole Christmas Card thing, heck, I'm lucky to remember my own birthday every year!)

2011 proved to be very challenging for our family. However, we are very grateful to have come through another year still healthy, happy, and fortunate enough to enjoy many comforts that others do not.

Troy had the opportunity to move to a new position within his organization, The Ridgehouse. He is now responsible for the outpatient drug and alcohol treatment program, primarily working with the prison population. He is continuing to go to school and we are now one more year closer to his completion of his Bachelor’s Degree in Human Services.

Dawn is beginning her 5th year with Henry Schein, Inc. as a Sales Manager. She also had the opportunity to be the Team Manager for Shane’s pee-wee football team from May until November and loved every minute of it. Life is a constant balancing act, as for most moms. This year was no exception.

Three very active children keep us both very busy. They are all within different phases of their lives, all of which come with a lot of fun and different challenges.

Tyler turned 16 in June and began his junior year at Reno High School. Tyler took on quite a heavy school load this year with 2 AP classes and he was made one of the Editors for his school paper and has maintained his B Average GPA. He also got his driving permit this year. Adulthood is quickly coming and it has been quite an interesting time to watch him begin that transition into adulthood.

Bailey turned 11 in June and began 6th grade, which is her last year of elementary school. She is barely staying ahead of Shane in height but she is at the forefront of her teenage years. She is in that interesting phase between little girl and young woman. She has been very eager to start learning to cook and bake, which is fun for me because it is something I love to do. She was also involved in cheerleading and girl scouts again this year while getting straight A’s. Busy girl!

Shane is now 7 years old and he is eating us out of house and home. He started 1st grade this year, our first experience for him at a public school. We were fortunate enough to have an angel brought down from heaven to be his teacher. He is quite a handful for most people, but very bright. He got his first report card and got all A’s and B’s. He is reading beautifully and is my little math whiz. He played football again this year and began wrestling as well. With all of his behavioral challenges this year, it is nice to see him enjoy some positive experiences while watching him overcome his own personal challenges.

With all of the challenges we have had this year, we have had many fortunate experiences as well. For this we are truly grateful and recognize that every day we have is a gift. We wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a wonderful New Year.

Love,
Troy, Dawn, Tyler, Bailey, Shane

Are you sure this is part of Motherhood???

Over the past month, Shane has caught every "bug" out there. He has never had this problem.

This means, that I have experienced some parts of motherhood that I didn't even know existed and I am now wondering where I missed that in the manual of motherhood?

Oh wait..... There isn't one!

First Shane ran a very high fever. He felt hot - not just warm, but HOT. I don't really every take temperatures because it isn't fun and usually, I can tell just by feeling them that they have one, but this fever concerned me because I had never felt anyone that hot before. Since he is 7 years old, I asked him which method he preferred. Suprisingly, he went for the rear-end method, but I'm sure he had no idea what he was in for. This was very scary for me as I really try to stay away from that end of any boy. But we braved it together and I thought "This is what I pay the doctor and my insurance company for." I will be investing in an ear thermometer.

The following week I was awakened at 2:45am one peaceful sleep to my young child informing me he had an "accident" which from age of 2 - 4, that meant he wet the bed. Not this time. He had an ACCIDENT (please refer to how I try stay away from a certain end of any boy). So, I found myself moments later hosing my child off with the highest power of the shower head I could at 3:00am. He and I both looked at each other both very unhappy about the situation we were finding ourselves in. For the next few hours he continued to wake me up every time he had to run to the bathroom, so I opted to sleep on the couch as to not wake my snoozing hubby. Needless to say, that went on most of the following day and I wondered what I had done to deserve such punishment! I wanted to burn all of his underwear rather than clean it, but I went for the other option - threw it all in the garbage and bought new ones.

Today - week 3 of sickness, greeted me with a call from the school nurse that he had come in from lunch feeling sick and as soon as he reached the nurse's office, the trash can became his best friend. What's really awesome is that today was his first official "hot lunch" day. I don't think we will be doing that again any time soon. And I will not be buying any of those pink goldfish crackers any time soon since that was what he spent the afternoon throwing up. As we left the nurses office she informed me that "by the way, he missed the trashcan the first time and got it all over his shorts." Really??

So, I am terrified of what is next to come. I have scheduled him for his flu shot, this last illness was highly motivating.

If anyone has a motherhood manual - please share!!

I Love My Son because

The past few months have been very difficult for Shane and I. It seems as if every time we turned around, there are new challenges in front of us. Our summer started with Shane's teacher getting "fired" the day of kindergarten graduation. The women is an angel. They are stupid. Within weeks, as I predicted, Shane started having behavioral problems and we were asked to find him alternate care. I have been soul searching for months trying to figure out where I went wrong as his mother.

In the last week, we spent some time apart. I didn't get to see him on his birthday and I watched his team play their football game without him. It was nice to have a break, but by the end of the week, I was ready to have him home. In that time, I have been reading, saw a children's psychologist, tried to find answers to how I can be a better parent to my child so when he gets back, I could have a fresh start.

When I saw his sweet face yesterday, all I could think is that I love him more than life and there is nothing else I can do better than that. I realized that simply. I love my son.

I love that he has wonderful curiousity and a desire to learn

I love that he will eat anything I put in front of him - ANYTHING

I love that he enjoys a movie and BIG bowl of popcorm, just like his mom


I love that even though he gets so scared, he trusts me when I tell him it will all be okay, so he will forge ahead and conquer his fears, just because he believes me.

I love his sweet, gentle nature. He is always so sweet to animals and little children.

I love my son because no matter the mistakes I have made (and there are many) he always forgives me and loves me unconditionally.

No matter what struggles we have, we have each other.

My Triathalon Experience - It was FUN!

I have to thank my sister, Shawna, who introduced me to these little “text to talk” things on youtube through something she posted on facebook. I wanted to share my triathalon experience and after watching these videos on youtube, I thought it was the most appropriate way! And I am going to use Shawna’s name in this conversation since she was my inspiration for this blog! Love you! (pictures follow)

Me: I did a triathalon sprint this weekend. It was so fun!
Shawna: What is a triathalon sprint?
Me: Well, you compete with hundreds of others in a swim event, bike event, and run event.
Shawna: Hundreds of people all swim, bike, and run at the same time? That sounds crowded. But you say it is fun?
Me: Yes, it is very crowded, but they split you into waves so groups start at different times so it isn’t so crowded. In my case, I had to start in the last wave because I will be 35 at the end of the year, I am considered to be in the 35+ age group, otherwise known as the “old lady” group. And yes, it is fun!
Shawna: How far do you have to swim, bike, and run?
Me: You have to swim 600 meters, bike 6 miles, and run 2 miles.
Shawna: Where do you swim?
Me: This was in Donnor Lake
Shawna: A Lake? Isn’t it cold?
Me: The water was about 64 degrees but I wear a wet suit so it was not as cold as it was for those not wearing a wetsuit. And at the start, you try to avoid others splashing and kicking you while you make your way out into the lake. Then you spend the next 10 – 15 minutes trying to find your way around the course. I got lost a few times and was swimming the wrong direction, but luckily I noticed before I strayed too far from the course. It felt like I was swimming for miles and miles, felt like I was going to drown a few times, but I made it to the end of the swim course, got out and headed to change into my bike gear.
Shawna: So, you get into a 64 degree lake with hundreds of people to swim 600 meters during which you feel like it will never end, nearly drown, and it is fun?
Me: yes, it is fun. It is even more challenging when you get out of the water, peel off the wetsuit and try to get shoes and gear on for the 6 mile bike ride as you are gasping for breath from the near drowning experience. The bike ride is 3 miles practically straight up and 3 miles right back down. It took me 30-35 minutes or so to get up and then 5 minutes to get back down. The ride down is so fast that I was nearly clutching the center bar with my thighs and praying I did not fly over the cliff at 40 mph with only a helmet to protect me.
Shawna: Practically flying over a cliff…..And this is fun? What happens after the bike race? Do you get to rest then?
Me: No, not really. You get a few minutes to catch your breath while changing gear, but that isn’t much time. Right after the bike ride, you have to change your shoes and gear again, then start running 2 miles. 1 mile on an uphill and 1 mile on a downhill. That part isn’t so bad. It is a lovely run through Donner on a paved road, but there are cars on the road so you have to watch out for them so you don’t get hit. But that run back was an incredible feeling, knowing I had completed my goal just by finishing and not stopping my momentum at any point. And once I crossed that finish line, it was such a rush!
Shawna: So is it such a rush because you won?
Me: No, because I finished. But they did give me a free shirt for participating! I did not even come close to winning. I finished 150 out of 200 in 1 hour and 21 minutes. The first place person in my age group finished in 1 hour and 1 minute. They do not give prize money anyway, it was a small trophy. In fact you have to pay $105 to participate in the race.
Shawna: You must have had to train a lot for this? How long have you been training?
Me: Since November, 2010 about 90 minutes per day.
Shawna: So, let me get this straight…. You spent the last 9 months every day for 90 minutes killing yourself so you can pay $105 to participate in a race in which there are so many people you can’t all run together, you swim in freezing water in a tight suit where you nearly drown, spend 30 minutes riding straight uphill just so you can nearly kill yourself riding downhill, and then struggle to run just so you can get a free shirt at the end since you have no chance of actually winning anything? …And this is fun?
Me: Yes, it was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but it was worth every moment and I can’t wait to do it again next year. I am already planning my training schedule!:)

6:30am - walking the course, getting ready

The transition area

Heading to the starting line

7:15am - Ready, Set, Go!

Swim Finish

Transition to bike

Bike Finish

Transition to Run

Run Start

Finished! (With my free t-shirt)

My #1 Supporter. :)

Summer vs. The Working Mom

When Summer comes, so does Chaos...

For the kids, summer is a time of carefree fun. For stay-at-home moms, the challenge (from my perspective in reading all the facebook pages and blogs) is to keep the kids active and busy in the midst of chaos. Although all of the activities look like a blast, I know that for these moms, it is hard work. Day-in and Day-out, organizing the fun activities that your children are sure to enjoy so much they fly on the high of their excitement only to crash later from exhaustion. And mom gets to go along for the ride only to wake up the next day and start the cycle all over again in addition to keeping up with all of the household responsibilities that never seem to stop.

As a working mom, I read about all of these summer activities. Every time I read about them, I feel so guilty that I am not one of those moms. I don't get the thrill of enjoying those fun times with my children during the summer months because most working moms don't get summer vacation. I feel it is time that I am missing with my children. They are still enjoying those fun activities....only without me. It isn't easy knowing that my schedule remains the same. I have the same hours in the week and I have the same responsibilities. I still try to maintain some kind of schedule amongst the summer chaos, but my children continually ask "What are we doing tonight/this weekend?" as if I am some cruise activities director with a list of activities and events to fill every minute of the hours I spend with them. And of course, I always give in to the pressure of keeping up with the summer chaos around me so my children feel they are getting the full summer experience. So, I try to continue to manage my responsibilities with my job and within my household with the little time I have in addition to making sure there are fun weekend events planned. As my "fun" weekends come to an end, I have used every minute of every bit of the 50 hours that I have over the weekend not only to get laundry, grocery shopping, bills and budget, workouts, house cleaning, and yardwork completed. I also have used it to take the kids to the pool, or to outdoor events in the community, have slumber parties, take the kids to the mall, go to the lake for swimming or jetskiiing or camping. Not too mention that our football/cheerleading starts mid-July and that starts to take over my Saturdays so my only "work" day at home is removed.

For me, as a working mom, summer is exhausting. Although there are times when it is so much fun, there is never a day that I get to choose to "rest" or catch up on my work around the house. Day in and Day out, I have to keep up with all of it or before I know it, I am behind. Granted, some days I have to prioritize and choose what will get pushed aside for tomorrow, but efficiency is my best friend. I have had to learn how to use every minute of every day from the time I wake up at 5:30am until I go to bed at 11:00pm. I have learned how to do more with less time. It may seem crazy, but I have learned to do certain tasks in certain orders just so I can get more done in the short time I have.

I also have to admit that I am seduced by the warmth of the sun, memories of my own summers spent on the beach, and fun with my siblings and friends. I want my children to have those memories as well. I want to have those memories and experience the same fun that I am reading about on a daily basis. I could choose not to do any of it. I could choose to be responsible all the time and not try to juggle the fun activities, but what kind of life would that be?
Some people tell me that I will burn myself out. I just say that, I have to use the energy I have while I am young. Honestly, I find that the more I do, the more energy I have. I heard someone say once, “I will rest when I am dead.” Well, that’s my plan. For now, I am going to use and enjoy every minute of every day that I possibly can.

I will rest – someday.

What My Dad Has Taught Me.

I have to say first and foremost, that my sister wrote the most beautiful blog about these wonderful memories of our Dad. It brought back such a rush of my own memories and all day I have been thinking about the wonderful things my Father has taught me. So I am including the most memorable lessons my Dad has every taught me.

What I have learned from my Dad

1. The importance of budgeting and being smart with your finances. – At 19, when I decided I wanted to move into my first apartment my dad taught me the greatest lesson I have ever learned and still apply to this day. He told me that before I could move out, I had to create a budget and show him how I was going to pay my bills with the income I had. He made sure I thought of all the little things I would have to pay for. To this day, I still budget the same way and I have managed to save money, manage my debt appropriately, and live within my means. It is because of him that I have been able to provide for my family even through the most difficult financial times. He taught me to fish so I would never have to ask him for food.

2. Have strong work ethics and be dependable. – I do not ever remember a time when my dad was not working (except on vacations). I do not remember him being home sick, or playing “hooky” from work. He worked every day so our family could have the comforts of home, food, and clothes. We may not have had luxuries when I was a kid, but we never wanted to for anything because he went to work every day. I learned from watching him how important it is that I work hard and be dependable. As a result, I have been successful in my career because he taught me what it means to be a good, dependable employee.

3. Serve others in your family and in your community – My dad has always been a servant within the Church and within the community. He was always working on a service project within his callings. He has always been supportive to the elderly. My dad was usually right along side me during Saturdays when we would have a youth service project, never complaining, always making it a bit fun. He has shown me the importance of giving back to the community so much more than you get back because at one point, we all need someone so we need to be there when others are in need.

4. Have a sense of humor – My Dad is so funny. He is always telling jokes and making everyone laugh. Even in those moments when things are tense or maybe a bit uncomfortable, he usually makes things light by making things seem a bit humorous. He taught me to find humor and laugh in life. Humor can be a great coping mechanism.

5. Parenting is not just about teaching, it is also about learning – As a parent now it is so nice to be able to talk with my dad about my struggles as a parent. He seems to point out a lot now how much we learn from our children. It makes me realize that all those years he was trying to teach me, he was learning himself. I have watched my dad evolve over the years with each child. I try to remember that I am learning just as much as they are thanks to the words of wisdom from my dad.

6. Learn from your mistakes and be forgiving of others – My dad used to sit us down individually when we would make a mistake, to try to provide time for us to talk with him and show us how to learn from those mistakes. I made my fair share and he would always take the time to sit and talk with me about them. He would try to help me learn what I had done wrong and what I can do differently next time. He was forgiving and would move on from the mistakes without speaking of them again. He taught me once that if you continue to bring up mistakes, it was like ripping the bandage from a healing wound. You would have to start the healing process all over again. It is better to forgive and move on.

7. Family is the most important commitment – Family comes first. My dad was a busy man. He worked more hours in a week than I could count growing up. He held callings in the church. There were some days I did not see him. However, I knew without a doubt that my dad would be there every Monday night for Family home evening, every morning for family prayer and scriptures, and every Thursday night to watch our family sitcoms and eat popcorn (which I picked up from him as well.). Life is busy, but there are some commitments you make to your family that you must keep. My dad always kept those commitments.

8. Being a good parent means you get to be a fun grandparent! – It gives me hope when I see my dad playing with his grandchildren. All the years of hard parenting does pay off and one day, I will get to be a grandparent too! What I learn from him – have fun with them. Leave the parenting to their parents.

9. Raise your children with rules and boundaries, children need parents, not friends. – My dad set rules. He had no gray area. I was very clear with what my rules were and when I broke the rules, he let me know. What I learned from this is that children respect those rules and boundaries. Of course, growing up I thought the rules were so mean! Now that I have children of my own, I find that the rules give them more freedom because they understand what is expected of them. I always knew what was expected of me. In addition, my life has turned out incredible because I knew my boundaries. I have strong judgment skills and I am confident in my decision-making skills now thanks to the guidance I received growing up. (I call it guidance now, as opposed to “rules.” Because my dad created those rules, I am the person I am today. I see others who were not as fortunate and I see them struggle in their adult lives. My dad gave me a great gift growing up by being a parent to me – not my friend.

10. Unconditional love is the most precious gift you can give your children. – All those years that my dad would spend time talking with my mistakes prepared me for some of the most difficult conversations I had to have with my parents as an adult. But, every time I had something I had to talk with my parents about, I somehow knew everything would be okay. I know I have not followed the exact path my parents hoped I would follow, but they have loved me still. They have supported me every difficult step of the way. My dad has listened, offered advice, and been a true support and friend to me in my adult life.

Daddy, thank you for all you have taught me. I wouldn't be capable of anything I am if not for your guidance and love. I hope to continue your legacy through my own son.

I love you!
Your forever Princess
Dawn Marie

Miracle baby

During this very difficult week, Shane came to me with some very interesting questions and conversations. I am so amazed at how smart he is sometimes. He has such a wonderful, curious mind. And so often I underestimate his ability to grasp some more mature concepts.

Shane - "Mom, am I your only child"

Me - "Yes, you are my only child"

Shane - "Mom, are you going to have another one?"

Me - "No Shane, you will always be my only child."

Shane - "Well, I want a baby sister."

Me - "I'm sorry sweetheart, I won't be able to give you a baby sister."

Shane - "Yes you can."

Me - "no, I really can't. It's hard to explain, but I am not able to have any more babies."

Shane - "Well, Tyler and Bailey's mom had more than one baby. She had Tyler, then a few years later, she had Bailey. If she can have two babies, then you can have two babies. I know it."

Me - "Shane, I know you want a baby sister but it just can't happen for me."

Shane - "Well, Bailey was born a lot of years after Tyler. You just need to wait a few more years and then you can have a baby sister for me. That's how it works."

Me - I stood there with my mouth open, not sure what to say and he walked away with that statement as if that was the decision and the end of discussion.

I had my surgery. The tubal ligation is done and I will not be able to give Shane a baby sister unfortunately. This conversation with Shane happened on Saturday. I knew that after that I was going to have to talk with him about what had happened.

When I returned home from my surgery yesterday, he was so sweet. He didn't leave my side. He would help me stand from the couch, walk to the bathroom, he put lotion on my dried out feet, and most importantly he gave me lots of hugs and loves. As he sat on my bed with me I explained to him what had happened in my surgery.

Me- "Shane, I need to tell you about my surgery today. I know you want a baby sister, but the surgery I had to today made it so I can't have anymore babies."

Shane (as his eyes welled up with big, crocodile tears) - "why?"

Me - "because mommy can't have babies as easily other mommies can. I just want to enjoy being your mommy."

Shane - "you can't have babies easy?"

Me - "no I can't. I'm sorry. I know you wanted a baby sister, but you will always be my only baby."

Shane - "But I am going to be all alone. After you die, I will be all alone!"

Me - "no, you will never be alone. You will have your own wife and your own babies one day. And you have Tyler and Bailey and your papa dad."

Shane - "but my papa dad will die before you!"

Me - "Shane, you will have your own babies one day - maybe even your own baby girl. You will not be alone. I promise"

Shane (trying to hold it together, but the tears were slowly falling down his cheeks) - "okay"

And he gave me a hug, held on tight, and said "I love you"

I know these things are hard for children his age to understand, but it seems my son has the ability to process some concepts that are beyond his years. He is so concerned about when I die and being alone. I'm not even certain why this is a concern for him, but it is. Even though this seems to be a bit too adult of a conversation for him, I felt it was important to tell him the truth. I don't want him going through the next few years thinking that a baby sister would be coming soon. It wouldn't be fair to him. The rest of the evening, he didn't leave my side. He is such a sweet boy. And he was such a gentleman, taking such good care of his mommy. It's those moments I feel like I must be doing something right with him. Our conversation did not end with that one however. After he had some time to think about it, he asked me again this morning before he left for school.

Shane - "Mom, if you can have babies easily like other moms, how did you have me?"

Me (thinking - Not ready for the sex talk with my six-year-old! what now?!?!) - "I don't know. You were a miracle baby. That's why you are so special."

Shane (sitting and thinking for a minute, deciding if he will accept that explanation, finally let me of the hook and said) - "I'm a miracle baby? What is that?"

Me - "I didn't think I was going to have any babies. And then, I had you. I was surprised when I had you. That's why you are my miracle."

And with that he gave me a big hug, seemingly satisfied with the answers he received. I am certain he will have more questions. For whatever reason I was blessed to have him as my only son. He truly is my miracle.

For my sister, Shawna I love both of my sisters, Shawna and Crystal. They are two of my best friends and I love them dearly. I know I don’t tell them enough how much I adore them. I have still lived with Shawna longer than anyone else in my life. We shared a bedroom from the time she was born until I was a senior in high school. Roughly 15 years. She has been my best friend, my confidante, and a wonderful role model throughout my life. As kids, we played so many games together. We had the same Barbies, we both had cabbage patch dolls, we played so many make believe games, and would often sing and dance to music in our bedroom together. We were inseparable as teenagers. I can’t remember too often the times when I would go to events and she wouldn’t be there. My friends called her “little dawn”, which she claimed to hate, but I think she secretly liked it. haha I loved having her around. I can’t ever remember feeling like she was infringing on my space, as older siblings tend to. Then there were all those times we would "hide" in our room, talking about life, boys, and giggling as teenage girls tend to do. We would fight as sisters did, but we always worked it out together. Our discussions would sometimes be silly, but other times be deep and serious. She would give advice and listen, I didn't always agree, but loved sharing everything with her even if she didn't. I don't know how I could have ever survived my teenage years with out her. As adults, we have taken different routes, but my sister has never judged me or made me feel like my choices made me a bad person even if she disagreed with them. She is the most honest friend I have, which I appreciate. I prefer honest friends. She never holds back and I always know what she is thinking and feeling. I admire her for the strength she has to be that kind of person for it truly takes a strong person to be able to speak their feelings honestly. She set a standard for other friends. Now we are grown, with our own children. We have our own day-to-day struggles, and we have led very different adult lives. But she is always there when I need her, even if I have not always reached out to her. Some days I am sad that we aren’t as close as we were as kids. But, then we get together and it is as if we were never apart. I realize that we are bonded in a way that cannot be broken even if we aren’t together for a long period of time. Because of that bond, we will always be close. Shawna, I love you. Thank you for being my closest, long-time dearest friend. I appreciate your example of courage and strength. I love you for who you are, for your honesty, sense of humor, sarcasm, and acceptance of our differences. I look forward to many more years of fun and friendship!

Closing the door... Permanently

Last year I entered a blog about my decision to let go of the possibility of having more children, accepting that it just wasn't going to happen for me again. Well, of course that was a solid decision but certainly not permanent.

I have been having some health issues over the past 2 years. Health issues that resurfaced from the last time I faced infertility. I pretty much realized that they were all related which was why I made the decision not to have any more children. I hoped that maybe by making that decision everything would go back to normal.

Nothing is back to normal and in fact, the problems have just become worse. It is to the point now where I experience pain and/or discomfort on some level on a daily basis. I came to the realization that it was possible that one of the causes for my infertility had returned and decided to see the ob/gyn. We Discussed my history and my options, and scheduled tests.

She also asked me if I planned on having anymore children. I told her I wasn't sure. She told me that I had to make a decision because that would determine my course of treatment. That night, as Troy and I talked about it, the answer was so obvious. The reasons why we shouldn't far outweighed my reasons to. Economically and financially, it just doesn't make sense to start all over again with a new baby. Emotionally, I just didn't feel like I had enjoyed Shane enough when he was a baby. All of my parental regrets came to the surface and my heart told me that if I had another baby, it would be a second chance for me. But again, emotionally, there is never a gauruntee that another baby was even phyically possible. So, for once I bypassed my heart and listened to my head. Reason took over and I finally said outloud that I did not think it was a good idea for us to try to have anymore children. I then told Troy that I wanted to include a tubal ligation in my surgery in order to permenantly close any opportunities and remove all hope from ever having another. I decided it is time for me to move on with my life and accept that the family I have now is the family I was meant to have. I was heartbroken. I cried - which apparently is very confusing for men to understand. His question was that if I feel like I made the right decision, why was I crying? I just explained that I was sad. Sometimes, the right decision isn't always easy. This is the hardest decision I have ever made.

I had an ultrasound and labs in the past few days. Today the doctor called and confirmed that my endometriosis had more than likely returned. I have a cyst on one of my ovaries, that is not filled with fluid, but is more than likely the result of the endometriosis. She felt surgery was the way to go and at that point I told her that I also wanted to have my tubes tied while she was taking care of the endometriosis. Seems appropriate to just kill two birds with one stone. She asked if I was sure, that this was permanent. I told her I was certain.

When I hung up, I began to cry again. I just spent some time with my sisters and their families. They each have little girls that look exactly like them. My stepdaughter, as wonderful as she is and as fortunate as I am to have her in my life, has a mother of her own. Her and I have our own special relationship, but there is something about a mother and a daughter that is also special. Watching my sisters with their little girls made me realize that I will never have that. I called Troy after I spoke to the doctor and could only sit on the phone and cry. Again, it was hard for him to understand. I still told him it is the right decision but I am sad. He said the best thing he could, "I'm here for whatever you need, I won't try to fix it, but I am here." It was probably the best response anyone could have given me. I was able to pull myself together and get through the rest of my day.

I'm sure every parent goes through this once they decide they are done having children. But, this is a bit different. And like I said, I am sad, but at the same time a weight is lifted off of me knowing that I won't have to continue to wonder every month if this is the month, if maybe by some miracle I would get pregnant again. I am so grateful for the one chance I did have to experience pregnancy, childbirth, and having a baby of my own. I wouldn't trade it for anything. He is my miracle. I know there are so many other women out there that don't even get to experience what I have and my heart truly goes out to them. I wish I could help them.

Now, I will look forward to enjoying better health once my surgery is complete. I have many other things to look forward to and I am glad I will finally have this closure so I can move on with my life and enjoy every precious minute I have with my family.

A Night under the stars!

My boy is so sweet and somewhat of a nerd - like myself. Although he is SUCH an energetic individual, he is also smart and thoughtful.

One day, he came home with a book he somehow inherited from somewhere - It was a book about the stars! It had sky maps of the stars and explained each consolation. He immediately started looking through it and asking questions about each consolation on the pages. I decided we HAD to go up into the hills behind our house to look at the stars so he could see how it all comes together. He was so excited!

We live in a part of town that is a bit more remote, has NO streetlights, and has some great spots to spread out a blanket and look at the stars. The only problem with my plan - it was about 10 degrees at night. Darn my California brain! I forget so often about the weather around here.

Regardless, we braved the cold, packed up some hot cocoa and head for the hills....

No matter if he actually learned anything - It was peaceful and we enjoyed spending some special time together.

New Driver and New Parent

With every milestone of my oldest child, I am reminded that I am a New Parent.

Tyler got his learner's permit not long ago.

My first thought was, "I have never taught anyone to drive! How am I supposed to teach him to drive?!?!"

Every time we get in the car, I'm not sure who is more scared - Tyler or me. (As long as we don't count Shane and Bailey in the backseat)

The first time he got in the car and looked to me for direction, I went blank. All of a sudden, all of these little things that you have to do every time you get in a car started overwhelming me. Check mirrors, adjust seats, look over your shoulder, turning the car, watching out for pedestrians, watching out for other cars, and of course - always wearing a seatbelt. Okay, so maybe they are all not so little.

I had him drive around in circles in the parking lot of a playground where there was no one for miles, then we ventured out into the neighborhood where for 30 minutes, we drove in circles. I started to gain some confidence as I'm sure he did as well.

The next week, Troy decided to take him out. I instructed him only to stay in the neighborhood because I didn't think Tyler was ready to venture out. I'm sure it was because I wasn't ready. When they arrived home, I took Tyler out to go to the store with me. On the way there, we practiced changing lanes - again, another skill that seems to me much more difficult than I realized. I told him to get into the right hand lane, but first he needed to speed up to get past the bus. Before I could finish my sentence, he was changing lanes INTO the bus. Luckily the bus started honking and I was able to grab the wheel and get us out of the way.

The following week, he started to drive us home every day. I think he is now up to hitting four or five curbs...I've lost count.

That next weekend, we went out to drive again. This time, as we came up onto a stoplight, a firetruck was turning right. It was one of those GIANT firetrucks that needs two drivers. As they turned right, the back end of their firetruck clipped the front right fender and bumper of the car. And then - the firetruck continued to drive away. Tyler and I both had the same thought at the same time, "Was that Tyler's fault???" I instinctively started to snap at Tyler and then realized, as the truck continued to drive away that this was a good learning lesson in defensive driving and also - Was I supposed to report a fire truck for a hit and run???

Again, I'm not sure who was more freaked out - Tyler or me. We were able to pull into a parking lot and assess the damages. We talked about the accident and then went through the process of tracking down the fire truck and filing a police report. It turned out to be a great learning lesson for him - but one neither of us would want to go through again.

Luckily, there are professional driving schools that he will be able to go through so it does not fall entirely on our shoulders, but I still feel inadequate as a parent. Anytime your first child reaches a milestone such as this, we never quite know what to do. I like to reach for the handbook, oh wait - There isn't one! I like to think I can remember back to when I learned how to drive - but it was way to long ago and it pains me to admit that.

It is also these moments that I appreciate Tyler's patience with me as a new parent. With your first child, you are ALWAYS a new parent. From the moment they enter your life until you leave this earth. He always hits those milestones first - ones that I am not always ready for, but I do the best I can with what I have been taught from my own parents.

Hopefully by the time the other two get to these milestones, I REMEMBER what I have learned from teaching Tyler. Parenting is always about learning from mistakes, doing the best we can, and using Love as a guide. I only hope that my children see through my imperfections and know that I truly love them.

So, although each milestone makes me a New Parent, all over again, there is no better joy I have then experience the first milestones with Tyler as they are just as new for me as they are for him.