Understanding vs. Compassion

This is rather deep for a Wednesday, but my heart is very heavy today and here is why...

My heart breaks for the families who lost their children and loved ones in the tragedy of Sandy Hook.


My heart also breaks for the family of the boy who was capable of committing the horrible crime that he did.

My heart also breaks for this country who seems so confused about where the problems truly lie in preventing these tragedies.

I don’t usually get involved in discussing these topics publicly because I respect others opinions, but I am not 100% certain that others will respect mine. But, in this case, I feel I need to share my thoughts. Primarily because I am really tired of listening to all of the judgment passed on so many levels about so many things when we all should be mourning this tragedy and finding solutions for ALL of the issues surrounding it. I am finding that for many, it is SO EASY to place blame.

There is so much blame on gun control – which we have so much of and I am sure there is always improvements that can be made on this issue. But we cannot infringe on our freedoms at the same time. But it is NOT 100% to blame.

Everyone is sick of hearing this person had mental illness – Is it an excuse? No, but I firmly believe that if this country had better mental health care we would be able to treat these people early in life before these tragedies occur. And it really is misunderstood by most of the country. But it is NOT 100% to blame.

Schools need more security – yes, I am sure they do. Some schools are more secure than others; however, every school should evaluate their security measures and safety evacuations to make sure they understand how to handle emergencies. But it is NOT 100% to blame.

In my opinion, all of these things share blame. And we could debate all day about so many things in each of these issues but that really isn’t the point.

I think the biggest problem this society has is a lack of compassion. It is so difficult to understand all of the components and feelings involved in tragedies such as this. It also seems that it is more difficult for each of us to be compassionate towards every person involved because it is so difficult to understand.

But, none of us can possible understand how one deals with the loss of a loved one or a child. Everyone mourns differently and we cannot fathom how each person feels when they get that dreaded phone call telling you that you will never see that person again.

Not one of us can understand the pain and grief of a parent who raises a mentally or behaviorally challenged child. How can anyone understand the heartache of knowing that this child will struggle his or her entire life with the demons inside their head that they were born with and doomed to carry throughout life. And even worse, doing everything you can to raise this child in fear that he or she may harm others only to get a phone call one day that it happened, the tragedy that you, as a parent, have failed your own child as well as countless others who are now experiencing the consequences of your child’s actions.

None of us can understand the pain of that person who struggles day in and day out with those mental and behavioral disorders that drive them to do unspeakable things that make them feel worthless and hopeless.

For those who don’t even own guns or who are terrified of having them in the house, how can they possibly understand the necessity of others to have such things in their home in order to feel safe and secure for themselves and their families? And on the other side, how can folks who carry guns understand the fears within those who want nothing to do with a gun and think they should be banned altogether.

No one can understand all of our differences in thoughts and feelings. Our different upbringings and perceptions based on our personal experiences. We all have our different way of faith and beliefs, even how we cope.

WE CANNOT POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND. BUT WE CAN BE COMPASSIONATE.

Compassion, I have read, is a fundamental ingredient of human love. It is empathy for the suffering of others, and a foundation for how we as a society can connect with one another. And to take one step further, I believe that Unconditional Compassion is even a greater love achieved by the human spirit, one that has empathy and love for others and grieve for their suffering beyond our own capability of understanding exactly what that person has experienced in life to bring them to where they are.

As I have read all of the opinions on the websites, facebook, blogs, etc ( and there are many), about gun laws, the affects of mental illness, knowing right from wrong, security of a school, the mother’s mistakes in raising her child… These are the posts that break my heart the most. Because they all lack the one thing this society needs more than anything right now as a whole … COMPASSION.

So even though you may disagree, become offended by another’s opinions, or even angry at some of the words that others may say, I am asking one thing of my friends and family. Please remember compassion. Remember to teach your children compassion and take this opportunity to teach your children how the GOOD things in this world can overcome the BAD things. Set the example for them because they need us to show them that this is how we should treat each other in order to have hope and feel safe.

We don’t need to understand every situation, but the only way we can change this world and make it better is if we have compassion and be kind towards one another.

“When we feel love and kindness toward others, it not only makes others feel loved and cared for, but it helps us also to develop inner happiness and peace.”   The 14th Dalai Lama (born 1935);

ADHD Awareness Week

Many of you, like me, probably had no idea there was even a week that brought awareness to ADHD. I don’t think anyone can really appreciate this unless you really live the experiences of having a child with ADHD or being an adult with ADHD.

For those who have read my blog, you know the struggles Shane and I have had over the years. He has had so many ups and downs. I wanted to share his story one more time in support of ADHD awareness week and for those who don’t believe that ADHD is a true condition that can really cripple a child’s ability to function in society alongside his or her peers. Until you have lived it, you really cannot possibly understand. I know that there are many disabilities out there; so many that create hardships that are much more challenging than ours. But NO ONE has the right NOT to take this disability just as seriously as others. If not treated properly, children with ADHD struggle their entire lives. They have the potential to become alcoholics, drug addicts, high school drop outs, criminals, suicidal, or just live life by “getting by” without ever really reaching their full potential. Society tends to turn their back on them because no one understands how to socialize with them or find ways to help them succeed because it can be exhausting. The hardest thing about these last few years is seeing how many people choose, time and again, to turn their back on my son because they just don’t understand or how many people have turned their back on me because they think it is my fault for not being more disciplined with him.

When Shane was 18 months old, he began to show signs of his ADHD. I did not know it until recently, but children with ADHD will typically start to develop those “symptoms”, on average, at about 2 years of age. Shane began a bit earlier than that. His babysitter at the time did not know what to do about his multiple tantrums that were so violent, she would have to just stand back and let him go for fear he may cause her harm. His father and I had divorced when he was just barely a year old, so we thought that he was just having a hard time with that. But as time went on, he continued to struggle with tantrums, separation anxiety, serious behavioral problems at his daycares, and outright defiance to any form of authority. By the time he was 7 years old, he had been through 7 daycares. Every daycare claimed to be able to help him, and every single one quit on him when things became too difficult. I had one daycare that used to put him in a corner of the room by himself because they did not know “what to do with him”, there solution was to isolate him and ignore him during the course of the day. The director at his Private Kindergarten class and daycare told me that they just didn’t have the resources to meet his needs (the kindergarten class had ten children in it). He has thrown desks in classrooms, hit teachers, said inappropriate things, and his impulses are out of control. I developed positive programs with a few of these daycare programs, but their consistency usually fell apart after a few weeks and they would tell me they “can’t do the positive reinforcement any longer because it wasn’t fair to the other children”. Day after day, tear after tear, I looked at my boy, wondering where I had failed him as a mother. Wondering what I should have done differently in his early development to avoid all of these issues. I blamed myself for so many things and felt that “if only I had done XYZ different, maybe he wouldn’t be this way.” These first years of his life were the longest, hardest years I have ever experienced. I would get anxiety every time my phone rang, I felt helpless and out of control every day, and every time I would go to pick him up I would need to take a deep breath because I wouldn’t know what kind of report I would be getting.

Almost a year ago, a friend of mine who happens to be a behavioral specialist, suggested he may be ADHD. I said, “no way” because he had shown so many signs of reasons why he couldn’t be (turns out those signs, called “hyper-focus” is actually a symptom). She asked me if I had ever actually read about ADHD and what it actually is. I had to admit that I hadn’t. I was being ignorant and making a judgment call when I hadn’t even attempted to learn the facts. I went home that night and started researching. After a week of research, I had realized that I needed to start the process of having him evaluated.

The way society and the media talks, you would think that it is easy to get someone diagnosed with ADHD. I don’t think anyone really and truly appreciates how difficult it really is. Shane went through two different assessments, one with the school psychologist and one with a clinical psychologist. His teachers were so helpful with me through this, answering questions and giving information to the psychologists. The principal met with me on a few occasions to help me understand what I needed to do as a parent to get him in the correct programs. My son’s struggles continued to worsen. At one point my 7-yr-old sweet boy looked at me and told me he didn’t want to live anymore. When your baby says that to you, at such a young age, something snaps inside of you and I was determined to make these people listen to me and the needs of my baby boy. I was no longer only his mother, but I became his advocate as well. I was not about to let him suffer for one more day. After 5 months of evaluations and meetings, I finally got a diagnosis. I finally got someone to see what I saw and we made a decision to get him on ADHD medication. Deciding on medication truly is a big ‘ol science experiment. The psychiatrist told me that it could be ADHD or anxiety, the only way to know was to treat one or the other. So he asked me which one I thought we should treat. He told me the pros and cons of each side. After some thought and consideration of the risks, I decided to go with the ADHD medication. Instinctively, I felt that the anxiety was a result of the years of being punished and disciplined for constant behavior problems. Within weeks of this decision, I started to see a change. Months later as we started 2nd grade, it became clear that we went the right direction in treating the ADHD first. The psychiatrist felt that we had the right diagnosis and after some experimentation with the medication, it seems as though we have the right combination. Between changing his diet, increasing his Omega-3’s, the behavioral therapy, and the medication….I now get to sit back and watch my son enjoy life in every aspect.

Here are just a few comparisons from “Then” and “Now”:

THEN – 1st grade homework took on average, 1 hour to complete. Taking out the garbage from the kitchen to the outside trashcan would take 30 minutes if I didn’t follow him. When teachers would correct him on his schoolwork, he would throw a tantrum to the point the teacher had to remove him from the classroom. He would spend more time a football practice poking and messing with the kids around him, he would have to run all practice. I lost count of how many times his coach told him to “pay attention”. Children isolated him, teased him, bullied him because it was really fun for them to push his buttons and watch him explode. He was removed from general population recess because he was fighting every day. He was terrified to try new things or take risks because he was so tired of failing at everything.

NOW – He completes his homework on the 10-minute bus ride home. He not only takes out the trash, but he can vacuum the house, pick up after the dog, and make himself a snack in less than 30 minutes. He can even make himself scrambled eggs! He is now allowed to mentor and tutor the students in his class because he is so advanced in math. He is called a role model in class. Children want to play with him and be around him because he is encouraging and kind. He plays at recess with all of the children because he now can control his impulse and can think a little better about his consequences when he makes choices. He actually watches the football games on the sidelines. He has been allowed to learn new skills because he listens and is teachable. He has also helped his teammates by encouraging them to try. He is not afraid of risks. He tries new things and he doesn’t give up if it doesn’t work out.

One thing I have learned in all of this is that every child deserves to be given a chance, to have the adults around them give them everything they can to make their lives special and happy. Every child needs tolerance and patience from the adults in their lives, but children with ADHD need this more than anything. Shane has had a few people who have shown him love, acceptance, tolerance, and patience. A few that have never given up on him or turned their back on us. I thank them for this because it has made a difference for both of us.

My son never used to smile every day; the smile that tells a mother that he is happy, content, and feeling the joys of being a kid. I was terrified that I would never see this smile on my sons face. ADHD is a very challenging and difficult disability because it is difficult to diagnose and difficult for society to accept as a real disability. It is all too often just not taken seriously.

I now see that smile every day. We still have a very long road ahead of us, but I have hope that he will grow to his fullest potential and learn to live a life of love and fulfillment. He may struggle, but we now have the tools he needs to overcome his struggles. He has the support and the guidance that everyone needs to get through life.

As the week of ADHD Awareness comes to an end, I hope that folks will take this a little more seriously and learn more about what ADHD is as opposed to the myths and judgments that have been made about ADHD children and adults. I am hoping my son’s story will help others identify children like him and rather than dismiss the child as a “problem child”, maybe show that child a little more compassion, patience, and tolerance. Like my son, children and adults with ADHD need that acceptance and love. They deserve just as much as any other human being. They may not be the easiest people to live with, but they are some of the smartest, funniest, most lovable people you will ever meet… Just like my boy is.

"Life is a Highway" as the song says....

How much fun would life be if the paths we took was one straight road? No twists, no turns, nothing unexpected. Sometimes I think we all wish we could see straight ahead. There would be no questions about what is to come. There would be no surprises when something unexpected happened because you would be able to see it from a mile away if heading down a straight path. You could plan accordingly because you would know exactly what was coming from miles away. You could mentally prepare, have a plan of attack, develop strategies and have the right tools ready. How much easier would everything be if you could just SEE what was coming? Everything would sure be easier, but would it be any fun to know what’s coming? Maybe “FUN” isn’t the right word….


Unfortunately, life just isn’t that way.

Life is a mountainous road. Yes, a very windy, steep, curvy road. Sometimes there are ups and other times there are downs. Sometimes you come to a turn that requires you to slow down to a very safe speed so you don’t go over the edge.(yikes!) Some see these types of roads “fun”, but they are more often stressful and hard to maneuver through as opposed to “fun”….. At least for me.

When I traveled to Sedona this last summer with the family, there was a road that reminds me so much of my life. Realistically, it was about a 10 mile long road. It took about 45 minutes to travel that part of the highway because of its hair pin turns, steep climbs and dips, and all of the foliage that blocked our view from seeing the road ahead. If I went too fast, I felt like I was putting the family at risk. If I went too slowly, the cars around me would get so annoyed; they would tailgate me until I pulled over to let them pass. But each time we had to climb this road, or descend into the canyon on this road, the pressure I felt getting to and from our destination was stressful because I wanted to make sure I was making the right decisions with my driving to ensure everyone’s safety.

Certainly a car is much easier to maneuver on a steep road than life is. No matter how much I try to control the way I maneuver through life, it just doesn’t seem to get easier. When I was younger and less cautious, I would whip around those turns in life and go for it. Not really thinking about the impact. I wonder some days how I got through it all unscathed. Over time, I have significantly slowed down to a more cautious speed. I want to make the right decisions for myself and my family. I want to make sure that they are all safe. But sometimes, those turns are just too much and I can’t necessarily control all of the elements surrounding me. All I can control is my reaction, how I handle myself in certain situations. That in itself is not the easiest thing. I now have to remember that my decisions ultimately affect a little boy who is sitting in the backseat, trusting me to get him where he needs to go which makes me slow way down and think a little more cautiously about how I approach different situations.

My decisions have led me to even more unexpected twists and turns. Occasionally I have to stop and take a deep breath, but I hold onto the wheel and keep going. It is a very long road that could end at any moment. Life is definitely more interesting when you don’t know what is to come. But some days, I really wouldn’t mind if I could get a straight patch of road for awhile....

Safe in his mother's hands

I often think of this picture.  Look at him....he is so tiny, so vulnerable.  He is so new to life and he is looking to me to give him a safe place to grow up and learn about all the things life has to bring.

We have had our challenges, him and I.  But he loves me unconditionally.  It amazes me.  A child's love is the most precious thing I have ever had in my life.

My boy is so sweet.  I am so thankful for modern day medicine that we have been able to find the right combination of assistance so he may be the sweet, kind soul that he is.  He is genuinely a good person, despite my faults in raising him and despite his medical challenges.  His teacher told me that he his a "role model" in his class.  He is smart and helps the students around him.  I watch him during his football practice and games, he encourages and cheers on his teammates.  He rally's around the ones who are afraid or uncertain.  He celebrates others victories.  I watched him the other day at Walmart, in the game room, trying to get a stuffed animal out of a machine.  He has gotten pretty good at those machines.  He actually was able to get a stuffed spiderman pillow out of there.  There was a younger boy near him that was so excited for him and Shane turned to the boy, asked him if he wanted the pillow.  I was stunned.  I asked him why he gave his prize away and he said "because he wanted to have it".  It was so easy for him to be charitable.  We were talking the other day about how this year is going for him so far and I asked him if he is enjoying school and football.  He says "yes and it's all because of you, mom."  I was very surprised and asked "why do you say that?"  He said "Because you took me to all the doctors and you got me my medicine.  It's all because of you." 

I have longed to see this boy as happy as he is now.  He bounces home from school, excited about his day.  He smiles and laughs a lot more.  He accepts challenges and has so much more confidence.  Yesterday we went on a bike ride and rode down a very steep hill.  He was very confident (probably a little too much) and as he flew down that hill, I tried to instruct him and he lost his balance and fell.  It was a scary, hard fall.  He cried harder than I think I have ever seen him and he insisted he would be walking his bike the rest of the way home.  After he pulled himself together, I told him to get back on the bike and we were going to get down that hill.  He listened to my instructions and asked me not to leave his side.  Minutes later, we made it down that hill.  He rode his bike the rest of the way home.  I was so proud of my boy for getting back on that bike even though he was scared.

As I packed up my house this weekend, I pulled this picture off of the wall.  I question so many times if I am doing the right things.  Everything I do, I do for me and I do for him.  As hard as some of these decisions are, ultimately, I put him first.  This picture reminds me so many times when I question myself, that he is entrusting me to keep him safe, guide him through life.  And only God truly knows how hard I try.  Some days I think I fall harder than others, but I get back up and try again.  He gave me this sweet boy and oh, how lucky I am to have him.  Nothing else in this world will ever be as important to me as he is.  I know he trusts me and I hope that I do not fail him.

My tiny baby will be a big, gigantic boy before I know it.  His feet are already a size 5 at age 8.  I'm sure he will be taller than me by the time he is in 8th grade.  I am so excited to spend every day with him, watching him learn and grow through each day of struggles.  I have said before and I say again, I learn much more from him than he will probably ever learn from me.  I just hope that he feels safe in his mother's hands and I am able to provide him with that sense of security, acceptance, and love no matter what challenges we face.

This summer brought change

Summer blew by way too fast.  It always does, but this year seemed to be on hyperdrive.  It went by so fast that it seems like three months ago was years ago, and in that time I have grown and changed in ways I didn't really envision when the summer began.

A lot has happened that has changed the direction of my personal development.  I observed and lived through many experiences that have caused my perspectives to switched gears.  My life has taken on a different focus, which will bring many changes.....very difficult changes. 

I won't get into the details now as they are still too personal to share.  But what is to come is scary, exciting, terrible, and liberating....all at the same time.  It is a lot of emotion for one person to feel.  I have no idea where this road is about to take me because it is one I have never traveled before.  All I know is that I have to follow the road and take the journey I am about to embark on if I want things to improve. 

Many know of the struggles I have had throughout my life.  I don't keep them a secret because it is all part of who I am.  I try not to regret too many things that have happened in my life, but occassionally I can't help but think "what if".  In that lesson I have learned to take a deep breath and evaluate circumstances much more carefully before jumping in with two feet not knowing how deep the water is.

Even though I have no idea what is to come, I know I can handle whatever comes next.  I know that whatever comes will have great lessons for me.  I know that I will be better all around.  I firmly believe that life isn't about living every day in the safe zone.  So many people would rather live in misery knowing what tomorrow will bring rather than make changes, because it is safe.  Taking risks is very scary.  Change is very scary.  But taking risks and making changes in order to improve things for yourself and your family is always worth it.  My decisions may not always be popular, accepted, and people may place judgement on me...but I'm okay with that.  After all, it's my life and I don't need the approval of others because that is not what I am seeking.

What am I seeking?  Peace within myself.  I want to be happy with who I am, be the person I was meant to be, and most of all, be the mother my son deserves.  At this point in my life, it is all I want for ME.

My Run Down Memory Lane

2 weeks ago I lost a very dear family friend; really he was more than a friend. My siblings and I called him “uncle bill”. He wasn’t a blood relative. But, he knew my parents before I was born and remained a part of my life up until the day he died. He taught me piano. He groomed me to be an accompanist to singers. I am very lucky to have had such a wonderful teacher. Music has always been part of my life. He was there to help me develop my musical talents and I will always be grateful.

Unfortunately, I was unable to attend his funeral. I was very sad I couldn’t attend, as they say, “life goes on”. I would have loved to neglect my responsibilities and go to the funeral to be with my family. However, I knew if Uncle Bill was aware of the burdens it would cause me to attend, he would have called me to repentance (in a very loving way) and insisted I stay home.

On the morning of the funeral, I had my final 5K Reno 5000 Series race. It was my final run of the year, my New Year’s Resolution. I decided this run would be for my Uncle Bill as a personal tribute to him. As I ran, my thoughts wandered to the memories I had of him. I thought of all of the stories (and there were many) he would tell around the dinner table. He loved telling stories and he loved to laugh. He was always kind, always forgiving, and always there.

As I rounded my last mile, I was very tired. My body was worn out from all I have put it through in the past month or so. I had a goal, a time to beat, and I had to somehow find it within me to get to that finish line faster than I had so far that year. I looked up to the sky at that moment and saw the sun coming over the hills. It was beautiful. Uncle Bill would have loved it – He loved Reno.

But something else entered my memories. At that moment I remembered when I was about 14 years old, my Uncle Richard challenged me to learn Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata. He told me he would give me $100 if I could learn it. I took that challenge, but I needed my Uncle Bill to help me through it. It is about a 16 page sonata. Every week we would work at one page at a time. Uncle Bill not only taught me how to play the song, he taught me the emotion behind each note, what Beethoven experienced as he wrote it. The story is tragic and beautiful. It is a story of sorrow and determination. It is a depiction of struggle and pain as it turns to hope, then to fear, then to relief. Uncle Bill was passionate about this song. And every week I would listen to him, work the notes, keep trying, have moments when I would want to stop. He would encourage me and push me. He would tell me “just learn at least one more page!” I thought of that story as I hit that last mile and I knew I had to push myself harder than I ever had if I was to achieve my goal. Had I quit, I know I would have heard Uncle Bill in the back of my mind, telling me how I could’ve have done it! (I can see the whole conversation in my mind and I wish I was better at describing his mannerisms, but it would’ve been priceless!)

I crossed that finish line, and I did beat my time. But I can honestly say that run was the best run through memory lane I have ever had. He kept me company all along the way and we shared some very special moments together again. It was the most perfect, appropriate way for me to mourn for a man who had a great impact on my life. I will always remember him and will always be grateful for the life he lived. I hope to treat the people in my life as he treated me. Always encouraging, kind, understanding, and accepting.

And I promise, Uncle Bill, I will continue to play. And you will be part of every note I play.

Shane - Meds update

My worst subject in school was Chemistry. It never interested me long enough to hold my attention. I just did what I needed to in order to pass the class.

Now that Shane is on meds, I feel like I am living a chemistry class. Our first month on Concerta was actually pretty good. So many people noticed a big change in him. During the day, it was like magic. But once the meds started to wear off in the evenings, he started to “spin”. He would become highly energized suddenly, difficult to keep focused, getting him to bed was exhausting, and his mood swings would come back in full force. As happy as I was that he was doing so much better in during the day, I was still struggling with him in the evenings. It was very hard that the time I had with him was still a struggle. I wanted to be able to spend some good quality time with him as well.  Not too mention, his football practices will be starting this month and the time he was "spinning" was right at the time football practice would be held.  I spoke to Shane’s doctor and he felt we could switch him to a different medication.

Can I just say….whoa.

We switched him to 20mg of Vyvanse. The time release is supposed to be longer with none of the withdrawal effects he was having with the Concerta.

No offense, but it is like living with a pregnant woman. I can think of no better way to describe it. The change it caused in him has been a bit overwhelming. I was interested to spend the entire day with him yesterday to see how things would go. In the first few hours, he was great! As the day wore on, I saw him exhibit behaviors I have never seen before.

Suffice to say, I now feel like I am putting my poor boy through an array of science experimentation. I called his doctor first thing this morning and left a message that this new medication is not working out. So I imagine we will try something different and start a new process. Everyone responds differently to medications and unfortunately, you just don’t know what is going to happen until you go through the process.

And so the story will continue….

Mother Nature vs. ME (watch out Mike Tyson!)

It’s crazy how much power Mother Nature has. She really is very temperamental and unpredictable. And even if you have an idea of what to expect, thanks to our weather reporters, somehow we still think we can beat her.

I have had some run-ins with Mother Nature over the years. She ruined my beautiful outdoor wedding by the river 4 years ago and has made me late for work numerous times. She has made traveling difficult and scary at times. But every time, I have found a way to fight back. When the weather is bad in Reno, I usually miss the predictable weather of Southern California.

Last Saturday I planned on heading up to Donner Lake. I had been planning that day for probably 2 months. My plan was to do a mock run on my Donner Sprint Triathlon to get an idea of how ready I was. 5k race, open water swim clinic, and a 6-mile ride up Donner Pass Rd. I was excited and nervous.

I woke up at 6am and prepared for my 5k Race. I had some breakfast and warmed up with 1-mile jog on the treadmill. I left feeling ready for anything – boy did I get it! My 5k race took place at the bottom of what is known as “Windy Hill”. Saturday, that route earned its name. The first two miles were easy, but as I rounded a corner into my third mile the wind hit my face. 30-40 mph winds were fighting me all through that last mile. Thank goodness I wasn’t the only one struggling. I passed many people who were giving up and walking because the wind was so strong. And although I did slow down, it was hard work, and I still finished the race and ran the entire way – no walking. Those two pieces are always my goal. Finish and DON’T WALK.

Once finished, I drove up to Donner Lake in Truckee. The sun quickly disappeared behind the clouds the closer I got to the Lake. Right over the lake was a huge dark cloud. I parked the car on the road and started to walk down the ½ mile down to the lake. 54 degrees of wind and rain began to fall on my head as I made my way down to the shore. Once I finally found my group, I put my wetsuit on and ran towards the 55 degree water. Wetsuits are a great thing, but they don’t really do anything for your feet or your head. Within minutes, I lost feeling in both.

What a great swim clinic! I learned some new techniques, swam in the lake for a good 30 minutes, and felt so strong. Of course, I was swimming with some newbies who were all so impressed with my limited experience that, I have to admit, did go to my head a little bit. So as we took our last lap out to the buoy and back, I was feeling pretty tough. But the water got more and more choppy the further out into the water I got. I got about 10 feet from the buoy, lifted my head to site and breath when a little wave hit me square in the face. The shock of the cold water in my face and in my lungs was enough to stop me short of the buoy so I could catch my breath. I flipped right onto my back and headed back for shore. Such a bummer. Once I caught my breath I was able to swim back and finish with some dignity. I got the wetsuit off and proceed to hike back up to the road in my wet triathlon suit in the 54 degree wind and rain. Not my smartest move because I was very cold. But, I got it done and it felt really good to get out in the open water. I do have some more work ahead of me, but that was why I was there. To find out how ready I am.

So on to my bike ride. I got back in the car, cranked up the heater and drove to the other side of the lake. As I got closer to Donner Pass Rd, the road became more and more wet. The rain was coming down a little harder and I realized – there is no way this is going to happen. First of all, I am a chicken. When I ride down that hill, I typically use my brakes A LOT. Many people tell me that I should just let go and ride the 40 mph on my bike down the hill. “Lean into the turns” they say and “let the brakes go”. NO THANKS. So when I saw how wet the road was, there was no way I was going to risk riding down that hill on my bike. I was very sad, but I turned around and headed home.

As I drove home, I started to think “wait a minute, why would I let that stop me from doing my ride?” I realized that even though I can’t ride on Donner, I could certainly get back to Reno and ride on another road that was almost as challenging. So, I headed to Rattlesnake Mountain. I pulled up and got my bike off the rack; put it on the ground, and the wind was blowing so hard it promptly blew my bike right over. Not even thinking that hard gust of wind was a sign of what I could run into on the ride, I threw on my helmet, jumped on my bike and headed up the mountain (which is really kind of a hill). I made it up the hill fairly quickly and as I rounded a turn over a water reservoir, a gust of wind came through and nearly knocked me off my bike. I have to admit, it made me pretty nervous. I quickly adjusted my speed and balance to be able to handle the wind that had just become my mortal enemy. There was no way for me to just stop and go back, I had to finish my ride at that point. So I carefully and quickly rode the route and on that last hill, I turned against the wind. I really hate that. So with all of my might I peddled as hard as I could to get up that last hill, against the wind, at a mere 5mph. As I got to the top, one more gust of wind pushed me back and I nearly had to put my foot down but I yelled back at that stupid wind saying “Mother Nature, you are a *****, but you are not going to beat me!”

Needless to say, I did make it to the bottom safely. As disappointed as I was that the day didn’t go as well as I had hoped, I did feel pretty good about the fact that if I can get through all of those environmental conditions, I will probably do okay at the triathlon simply because my determination will get me to the end no matter what the obstacles. My time may not be the best and I may not finish in first place, but I have the will to get me to the finish line. I felt pretty good about that.

Experiences like this really make me feel ready to conquer the world, which is why I do it. Someone asked me once “what drives you?” As I thought about it, it’s the goal. I made a goal on Saturday to finish. No matter what happened, I was going to hit my goal. Time doesn’t matter, obstacles don’t matter. Both have an impact on how I finish, but the drive that keeps me forging ahead regardless of the challenge is that I must finish because it is my goal.

The moral of this story – set goals and don’t let anything or anyone stop you from hitting them. The feeling you get from that alone is AMAZING.

P.S. I am going back up to Donner on Sunday to swim again and attempt to ride my bike up the pass again. Let’s hope Mother Nature isn’t PMSing that day!

So Beautiful, I had to share

I came across a poem last night that brought me to tears.  It describes my son to a tee and it told me two things. 

1.  I am not alone
2. My son is not alone

So many wonderful people and children are out there that are struggling as we do and I am so fortunate to have found these pages where I can find people with similar challenges.  When I feel weak, I draw from their strength.  I also have a new community in which I can offer support.  Shane has a disorder that many people think they know, but really do not understand.  Children with ADHD are different.  Most people avoid them or judge them.  But these children are most often the sweetest, smartest children of the bunch.  But because they are different, people struggle to understand and relate to them.  These children make us adapt and change our own way of doing things.  Not many people can accept that.  It is easier to turn away than to look at yourself and decide how you can change to help another person succeed. 

My son is the best thing that has ever happened to me because he makes me look at myself and change how I approach everything in life.  Embracing that change, has truly been difficult, but very rewarding.  My bond with my child is that much stronger because of it.

So this poem is for my son.  Who loves me unconditionally through all of my imperfections and parental mistakes.

My A.D.H.D CHILD

BY TRACY
http://www.facebook.com/#!/HelpYourADHDChild

He’s bouncin’ off walls, a super ball gone insane.
He runs through your world like an off-rail freight train,
Interruptions are constant, tantrums galore,
When it’s time to do homework, he’s gone, out the door.
The drama is constant, oh his foot fell asleep,
He moans and he wails, the theatrics run deep.
School is a nightmare, the teachers are lost,
If they could only see, he is worth the cost.

He is brighter than most, as most kids are,
And with patience and love, I know he’ll go far,
But what I must take from well meaning friends
Don’t let him do that. Oh these rules that he bends.
You’re not a good parent. Your child’s really rude.
His temper’s Outrageous. He has hands in his food.
He hears and he wonders, just what’s’ wrong with me?

I tell him, your special, you have A.D.H.D.
Now A.D.H.D is a gift from above,
It teaches us how to strengthen our love
It helps to teach your teachers, no two kids are the same.
You have awesome energy that could bring you great fame.
You don’t need much sleep, you never wear down.
You’re silly and funny, when you act like a clown.
You’ve felt lots of pain from what people have said,
But you pray for those people when you go to bed.
So you try every day to make a fresh start,
For God gifted you with an extra big heart.

As I look at my child, he sees through my soul.
My heart feels like busting, as I realize my goal.
I know this boy like no one else could,
He’s blessed to me, he’s strong and he’s good.
So I’ll love him and guide him through the worst of the worst,
And he’ll make a great man (if I don’t kill him first).

I’m kidding of course ‘cause I know what’s to be,
When I look in his eyes, I see a reflection of me.

Let the Trial and Error of Medication Begin

Thursday I was able to finally meet with a psychiatrist with Shane.

The first question he asks me…. “Are you open to medication?”

This was the moment I have been hoping for in the past month or two. I feel like I have done everything I can to help Shane. Although there are improvements, he is still struggling every day. What hurts my heart the most is watching his self-esteem deteriorate.

Yet, as the psychiatrist asked me that question, "Are you open to medication", the last 6 years flashed through my mind. It’s amazing how long a second of thoughts takes to go through your mind.

I thought of my sweet baby boy and all of his daily struggles. I thought of the 7 daycares that we have had to leave. All of the phone calls from his caregivers that have had no idea what to do. My baby’s many tears of hurt and frustration as he has tried so hard to learn how to live day after day, feeling like he has no control over what he does and doesn’t do. I thought of the parenting books I have read over the years, therapists I have seen, and discussion after discussion to find answers. My own frustration and losing my patience so often because I am at a loss in how to raise this boy.

All of a sudden, I felt like a failure. I felt like I was giving up and had lost all confidence in myself to help my son. For a split second, I wanted to say “no, I don’t want to do medication! I can do this!”

Then, reality set in. The last 6 years have been so hard. Admitting I need help, is not a weakness. I took a deep breath and pushed those feelings and thoughts out. I remembered that this is just the next step in what needs to happen to help him. I reminded myself that I have done everything I can do and this is where I need to let go. None of that is easy for me. But, as I exhaled, I said to him “Yes, I am open to medication.”

Then the overwhelming information came flooding in, which diagnosis to treat first. Shane has ADHD and Anxiety. His anxiety is more than likely caused as a result from the years of being disciplined for his behavior issues rather than treating the ADHD. So, we felt it was best to treat the ADHD first.  The anxiety did not seem to be the primary issue, but a result of the many years of struggling with controlling the behavior.  The big concern was if the stimulants of the ADHD medication would increase his anxiety levels or if the anxiety would be controlled in managing the chemical imbalance n the frontal lobe that causes the ADHD.  I opted for going right for the root.  We can always make changes down the road, but I have always been a believer to treat the root, not just the symptoms.  So we have begun the trial and error process of medication. It is not a perfect process, nor will I know what is most effective until we start to see results, positive or negative. Time to gather all of the patience I can find and get ready for the ride.


After our conversation, I continued to drift off into my memories of the years of struggles.  It broke my heart to think that in all those years, I contributed to his anxiety. My lack of knowledge only aggravated his condition and made his life that much harder.  It nearly brought me to tears.  I realized however, I cannot think of that. I truly feel I am on the right track now. My past mistakes are just that - my past.  He is still so young and so capable of many things in his life. There is so much hope that I have to be grateful that we are here now. Even though I have those regrets, I have to let them go and realize that we are doing the right things now.
Parenting is already a guessing game. But, raising Shane has been far more than a guessing game. It is more like a gigantic maze in which you cannot see if you are going in the right direction until you hit a wall and have to turn around to try a different direction. I can’t go back the way I came, I just have to move forward in order to find the end. And just for the record – I am terrible at mazes. Raising Tyler and Bailey has had its challenges. But comparatively, their challenges are pretty text book as far as childrearing is concerned. Shane’s challenges have left us bewildered at times. But at the same time, he has taught me far more about me and about life, than any other experience I have ever had.

So, I'm ready to keep moving forward.  Ready for the next wall I run into during the course of this maze that may take me in a new direction.

WHY do I do this?

My New Year’s Resolution this was to complete a series of 5K’s called the Reno 5000 along with a few others that I really wanted to be part of because of the community spirit involved. It is a total of eight 5K races. A 5k is only 3.1 miles. Some may say “that’s not too far”. But one thing about the Reno 5000, the courses are a little harder than the community races.


Last Saturday was no exception. After climbing the final hill in the last mile of the race, I literally wanted to die. I had to talk myself through that last hill and I am certain the other runners thought I was crazy. At 9am, the sun was already beating down, there was no breeze, no trees or shade, and the course was a very rough dirt road. I was off-road running! Halfway through the race, I found myself thinking “I don’t care about my time, I just want to live thru this!”

This particular race was a mental challenge for me. Race #1 was my first 5K of the year. I was not completely healthy and was not completely in shape. My goal for these 5k’s are simply – finish and don’t walk. Of course the competitor in me wants to see my time improve over my past races. I don’t really care where I place, as long as it isn’t last. Race #1 is the worst I have every done in these races. My time was the slowest it has ever been since I started running in 5k’s and worst of all, I WALKED. Yes, I gave into my urge to give up and walk, just for a few feet. I couldn’t believe it as I walked the course and everyone passed by me. I was so humiliated I wanted to just keep walking all the way to my car and drive myself home in shame. After about 1/8 of a mile and a lot of self-talk to convince myself that I really can do this, I started running again. Part of the mental struggle I ended up having, was seeing all of the other encouraging family members along the course. I was dumb enough to tell my family that they did not need to come and watch, I thought I would be fine on my own. Turns out that I was sad and lonely being there by myself. I had nothing to drive me when I lost my own will. I have since told my family that they need to be there. Something happens to me when I know that my family is there. It is this sense of accountability. And as I run to that finish line, they are there on the side cheering me on. There is nothing better than seeing them there as I run across the finish line.

Race #2 was my chance for redemption. I had run in that particular park before so I figured “no sweat, I got this.” I trained hard the week before, carb-loaded, and warmed up with a mile run that morning. Troy and Shane were planning to be there so I had my support system. I stood at the starting line and looked at the start of the course and I thought “I got this, it’s only 3.1 miles!”. When I hit mile 1, I still felt confident in how well I was running. Then I hit mile 2. The uphils and downhills were long and steep. The path was about a foot wide. There were rocks and holes in the dirt everywhere. One wrong step would be bad. At one point I was running downhill along a steep cliff. As I came to mile 3, I saw it…..the hill. From the bottom of the hill looking up, I swear it never ended. It’s like that bad dream where you are running and you think you are almost at the end, but you really don’t seem to be getting any closer. All I had to do was get to the top and I was home free. Every step got me closer, but it got harder. I had to start convincing myself to take each step, and I was almost there. It seems like years, but I got to the top. And when I did, I wanted to lie down and die. But, I saw that last stretch and started running faster. Something about seeing how close I am to finishing motivates me to run really fast. Not because I want to beat someone out, or improve my time. I just want to be DONE.

Finishing that race reminded me why I do these races to begin with, because before each one I ask myself “WHY do I do this??”. It’s really pretty simple, these races challenge me. Life keeps me so busy sometimes that I forget to find things that challenge me as a person. I don’t always remember to take care of ME. Personal development is so important and I think as any mom, I forget too often to take care of ME too. When I started running in these 5k’s, I had something that challenged my mind and body. It gives me a sense of accomplishment and confidence. I worry so much about my kids’ self-esteem and growth; sometimes I forget that I need to build my own self-esteem as well. These races remind me how good it feels to overcome a challenge and empowers me to overcome other challenges I have in my life in every aspect.

I may never win any of these races, but for me, I don’t need to. It is enough for me to get out there and accomplish something for me. It’s the only time that my life is all about me. It is a sacred selfishness that I need to and will continue to include in my life.

2 or 3 more races to go in order to reach my goal this year…. Oh and a sprint triathlon. :)

Why I Need My Mom

As part of mother’s day, I am trying to appreciate all of the things about motherhood that make it so wonderful. But instead, my thoughts take me to the reasons why I appreciate my mom and how much I learned from her about motherhood. I am so lucky, so fortunate to have been raised by the most giving, unselfish person I have ever known. I am in awe of her strength and her faith. She taught me to be a mother. She taught me about hard work and about what it truly means to give without expecting anything in return. I love her very much and even as a grown woman I realize quite often that…….

I still need my mom.

Granted, I don’t call as often as I should. And I don’t always remember to do the right things or call for every event. But, my mom taught me all of the most important things that I need every day to be a mother. And because of that, I draw upon all of the things I learned from her every day. I think about her, EVERY DAY. I am grateful for her EVERY DAY. (Mom, if you are reading this, I am sure there is an annoying mother’s day primary song I could insert here.)

I am so stubborn and strong-willed, my mom would probably be surprised and thrilled to hear me actually admit that I learned something from her. You can’t teach me anything. I have to figure life out on my own. My mom knows this about me – probably better than anyone. She knows that she has to sit back and watch me go through all of my bumps and bruises alone until I ask for help. And as much as it pains her, she respects that about me. I have learned that trait from her as my boys are just as stubborn and strong-willed. Each have to learn everything the hard way and on their own, but she taught me how to stand back and wait until they ask for the help they need. She made it look so easy when I now understand just how hard it really is.

My mom has taught me how to be a good listener. She has taught me that it is just as important to sit and listen, offer up advice now and again, empathize, and even sometimes just tell the honest truth if the situation calls for it. This is something I have been able to use in my career as well as with my children. My relationships are stronger because of her example.

Life is full of struggles. But with each one, my mom would brush them off and forge ahead. Nothing stopped her. There were some moments that I witnessed life’s challenges, sacrifices she had to make, tears shed, and with each one she pushed forward. She accepted the challenge and did what she could to overcome it. My life has not been full of so many of its own challenges. But my memories of watching her handle hers have taught me some of the most valuable lessons I will ever learn. Since life is so full of challenges and struggles, so many unanswered questions, it is necessary to get thru them and move forward. She always came out them positive, stronger, and even more determined. I think of it now and am amazed at her strength.

My mom taught me how to cook. Apparently it isn’t easy for everyone, but she made it seem effortless. Over time, my dad taught me quite a few things as well so I have to give him a bit of credit here too, but at a young age, I was making grilled cheese sandwiches for the family. My mom assigned a night for me to cook for the family. She taught me how to bake, build a menu, shop for dinners, plan, and organize for a week of cooking for a family. With balancing work and family, this has been a valuable tool. Because of her, this is effortless for me. And I enjoy it. I’d say she taught me very well.

I am faced daily with the challenge of juggling work and home. Without my mom, I never would have known how to organize myself the way I needed to in order to get everything done. I never could have the skills and abilities I have in being able to juggle both without all she taught me about being a hardworking mother. I learned my organizational skills from my mom. She does such a great job at keeping her home organized.

So when I look in the mirror, I see that I have taken some of the best skills and traits from both my mom and my dad. And even though I may not call every day, or remember to do or say all the right things that a good daughter should, my mom needs to know that I think of her EVERY DAY.

Because EVERY DAY, I need her and all of the wonderful things she taught me. (Just for you mom - insert annoying primary mother’s day song here.)

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom. Thank you for being you and for being the best example of what a mother truly is. I am a very fortunate daughter. And I will ALWAYS need YOU most.

Why did I become a parent?

I have been thinking lately,   (yes, I know, you all are thinking "here we go….")

What exactly does it mean to raise a child?  Why do we have children?  Why does the majority of the population feel compelled to reproduce and bring offspring into this world? Does anyone really know why or what it means?

When I was going through infertility I cried every day because I longed to have a child. I wanted to be pregnant, give birth. I wanted to raise a baby to a toddler, then to a child, teenager, and young adult. I wanted this so badly it hurt. I went through three years of tests and treatments only to get nothing out of it. Until one day by surprise, bam! I was pregnant and now living the dreams that I longed to have fulfilled. Every now and again I remember why I wanted this so badly. But most days, I ask myself, “Why am I doing this again??”

In the past 6 years, I have learned a few things about being a parent.

1. I will never get a full 8 hours of sleep again

2. It is them against me and sometimes I feel like I am in a Braveheart movie

3. Today will not last for very long so somehow I have to remember to enjoy the little moments because they go by so fast. Before I know it, my little boy will not worship the ground I walk on anymore. (tears!)

But at the end of the day, I sometimes sit back and wonder why I wanted to be a mom so bad and what does it mean to be a parent and raise children?

I had a child so I could pass on the wisdom that I have learned in life. I treat my stepchildren as my own children because I feel that I accepted responsibility to be a parent to those children when I married my husband.  That is why I call myself a "parent" because no matter what your official "title" is when raising children, you are always a parent when you have children to raise.

Here are my thoughts which some may agree or disagree, but they are MY thoughts.  In raising those three precious children I feel they are my contribution to society. They are my posterity, a reflection of who I am. It is what I can give to this world to make it a better place. My vision is that one day they will grow to be responsible adults. Graduate from high school and college, get wonderful, stable jobs, raise families, make me a grandmother, be kind to others, love one another and be good friends. I try to teach them to be respectful, thoughtful, and kind to those they come in contact with. Every rule and discipline in my home serves a purpose to teach them a value that I hope they will take with them in their life.

So what happens if they don’t? What happens if my children don’t take the values I have taught them into their adult lives and pass them on? What if they get older and realize that all I have taught them is not how they want to live? What if they do not become all that I hope they will become?

Those are a lot of “what if’s” that I have no control over. Because no matter what I teach them, there is a very important part of parenting that I must realize. Children come in contact with so many different people and environments that will impact them. I am not the only influence they have in their young lives. There are other people, television, movies, books, school teachers, church (for some), and so many other factors. All of these things play a part in what shapes our children as they grow.

So even though I may be teaching my own values to my children, there are so many more influences that I have no control over. Does that mean I should keep shelter them from these influences? I don’t think so and it isn’t possible. I fight for their childhood and innocence for as long as possible, which only means that I monitor the media that they are involved with to make sure it is age appropriate and not exposing them to adult issues that they should be protected from. However, I want them to experience all of the wonderful things that life has to offer. In fact, I think it would be more damaging to shelter them from the influences of the world because what will they do when they get older and have to handle the world on their own, without me to shelter them?

The more I think about it the more I realize that maybe it isn’t my job as a parent to create a person that replicates all of the things I believe in. Maybe it is my job to guide them through their own lives. Teach them how to handle all of the many, wonderful challenges that will teach them about who they are and what makes them happy. They are a combination of different genetics. Their personalities are different than mine. They have different thoughts and reactions to their environments than I do. I cannot possibly control the outcome of how they will turn out as adults just because I spend my parenting years teaching them all of the things I hold to be true. I cannot expect them to become exactly what I want them to be just because it is what I think is best for them. Maybe the best thing I can do as a parent is create a place of acceptance and love. Maybe it is better that I teach them that they can trust that I will love them no matter what choices they make in life or what paths they choose for themselves. Maybe it is more important that I give them a place free of judgment where they feel safe enough to discuss some of the most difficult things that people struggle with in life. Of course they need my guidance, rules, and discipline as they grow because that is the real world. But, maybe what I envisioned parenting to be is different than what it truly is.

As I continue to ramble through my thoughts, I can’t help but go take a step further, I think the important questions to ask is, “do I want them to be happy?” and “am I prepared to support them in whatever life they choose will bring them the happiness they seek?”

Most fearfully, I wonder, “Will I feel like a failure if my children do not become exactly as I envision they will become?”

But I remind myself, I love my children. Ultimately, I want to teach them how to love and be loved. I want them to be able to trust people and not fear the world. I want them to feel comfortable in taking risks, asking difficult questions of themselves and others. I want them to feel free to make decisions that may have positive or negative consequences without fear that they will not be loved by those closest to them. Most importantly, I do want them to be happy. I want them to experience joy in its truest sense. But this means that they will need to feel disappointment and hurt in order to really understand joy. This is the hardest part of parenting because I do not like to see my children hurt, but I do know it is part of learning.  And if these are the things I am able to teach them, I don't think I will have failed as a parent.

I don’t know that I really answered my own questions, created more questions, or just typed up a rambling of my thoughts that really came to no conclusion. If anything comes of this blog, it is that I have learned one more thing about being a parent:

4. I will learn more from raising my children then they will probably ever learn from me.

That is probably MY truest reason for becoming a parent.



Vacation Fun

Ahhhhhh, Vacation.  Don't we all love it?  We get to leave normal life, go crazy, and have chaotic fun!

For spring break, we went out to California to visit family.  It was so fun to see all the cousins together on Saturday, playing in the spa and furiously hunting for Easter Eggs in the back yard, just as we did as children.  After Sunday dinner, it was great to sit with Shawna, Crystal, Bryan, grandma jo, mom, and dad reminiscing about old times and laughing about how goofy we were as kids.  Grandma Jo even had pictures to share!  Not too mention what happened to the poor Marie Calendar's cheesecake as we all sat around and attacked it.  But what a fun bonding moment.  It was almost like we all went back in time for that one instance and became kids again.  I had a blast with my two sisters when we got to spend some alone time together at brunch.  They are two of my best friends and I couldn't get through life without them. 

Monday thru Wednesday, we went to Disneyland.  What a whirlwind of fun!

On Thursday we got to spend some time at the beach. I'm a California girl, but I have my limits so you will never find me in the cold water in April.  Brrrrrrrr!  But, Troy and Bailey played in the water while the cousins all played in the sand, collected seashells, and just enjoyed spending time together. I enjoyed some time with my sister while watching all of the kids enjoy one another's company.

On Friday, we had to head home, back to the real world of schedules, work, and school.  But we made some great memories.  Can't wait to do it again!

I am unfriendly and hostile….

Part of being a working mom, is finding daycare. UGH. Of course no one will ever love your child the way you can. No one could possibly care of him the way you could. Try finding daycare for a child who has unseen special needs. Find one willing to work with a child who has a behavior disorder that many in society blame on “bad parenting”.

I once received a very ugly letter from a woman who claims to be an expert in childcare and early childhood education. My favorite quote from her letter was “You are unfriendly and hostile”. Of course there is quite some history that goes along to what led up to this point, but my strong will and passion as a mother was perceived as “unfriendly and hostile”. It would be nice if I could just be appreciated as a mother who wants to create a peaceful environment for her son. It would be nice to actually get the kind of childcare I was promised and told I could expect from her and her staff.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a no-nonsense person. I am straight to the point, I fight for what I believe is right with both fists, and I do not back down until I am heard. Even if I don’t win – I will be heard. I am a sales manager, working in a field dominated by men. My communication style is honest, direct, but diplomatic. I call a spade a spade. I can be tough when I need to be, but overall, I am fair and I can certainly accept when I am wrong (as I am a lot). Over the years I have learned to pick my battles and accept my losses. There was a time I would throw full blown tantrums to get things to go my way, but I have mellowed a bit and have learned to let go and be accepting of the outcome I receive.

When it comes to these battles, the mama bear claws do come out. I feel justified especially when I feel we are not being treated fairly or being heard. When you pay a caregiver to make sure your son is being cared for, I don’t think it is too much to ask that they listen to what I need since I am a paying customer and they essentially are working for me. However, I was told that they “should not have to come to me” or “track me down” if my son is having issues. They are “too busy to communicate with me at my convenience”, although they expect me to “fix” my child’s issues FOR them.

You would think in all their experience, all of the caregivers he has been with (8 different daycares in 7 years) they would have picked up on the possibility that he may have ADHD. Especially since children with ADHD start to show signs as early as 18 months. But it is not so easy when the disability your child has does not impact his physical capabilities. And I don’t mean to disrespect those who have special needs above and beyond what my son has; however, special needs children are not always obvious. Children who have special needs, such as Shane’s, are typically overlooked because he appears to not have a disability; he is healthy, strong, very smart, and very physically able. His caregivers have all missed the obvious signs. They continued to look to me to “fix his issues” without me being there to see the full picture. It’s a secret magic potion that other working mothers MUST have. I must have missed the memo on how to get some of that since every other working mom has the capability of “fixing” their children without being around during the course of the day to understand what the problems are. My “fix” is typically directed as his caregivers because they are the adults and I rely on them to help me understand what is going on and what needs to be done to help Shane. This doesn't usually go over very well.

He has been continuously targeted, which to me is bullying. I urge other parents to see these as red flags. I was too naïve to realize what was going on. If I had to do it over again, they would be dealing with a bull rather than a bear. At one time, he was watched by cameras from the classroom. There were times they would notice he was behaving in a matter which they felt was inappropriate or "dangerous" even though his teacher said most of his antics were related to “being a boy”. But even a poke or a a laugh would cause him to be immediately removed from the classroom because the director felt he was “bullyish and distruptive”. The smallest incident would erupt into an escalated tantrum (which is scary in itself) because she would yank him from the room (physically), isolate him from the children, yell at him when he wouldn’t give her the answers she wanted, interrogate him to find out what was going on in his mind, all which made him feel like there was something wrong with him. Other times, parents that have known us from other daycares have gone to the school’s before/after school to let them know that Shane “doesn’t belong there and if they aren’t careful, they will be held liable for any harm done to other children.” My son has never done anything malicious to hurt anyone, not even a fly. But since they were warned, he was again, targeted. And the kids like to push his buttons because he is that kid. He is the one the kids like to get in trouble - “Watch what happens when we make him mad! It’s so fun! And then HE gets in trouble! Such a great game!” … for them. All of these incidents have only traumatized my sweet little boy.

So, as I have tried to express these needs to his so-called caregivers over the years, I am often told “we don’t have time to meet his needs” or “we have other children we are concerned about, not just Shane” or “we do not have the staff capability to be able to give him that kind of attention”, even though every time I looked to enroll him in a new facility, I specifically sought out organizations that would be willing to work with us. It is amazing that they all claimed to be the ones to help him. I have tried to fight for my son, tried to be his voice, but it is frustrating when you are not heard. I can only imagine his frustration as he struggles with feelings and worries that are too big for his young mind to comprehend.

I still fight for him despite the name calling. Every time I get a call, every time I get an email (and there are many) my question to them is “and what are you going to do on your end to help change this situation?” I have been open about his needs, open about what I am doing to move down the path to get the resources I need as a parent. I always meet the school in the middle and support them 100%. But I also support my son 100%. I have had to be proactive, very firm, very vocal, and have shed quite a few tears in front of perfect strangers. At the same time, I have found wonderful people who have been there to help, extending assistance and advice. I would not have found these resources without them. So, as far as I am concerned, every fight will be worth the end result.

For now, we have quit daycare - altogether. I have no faith in any of them. I have had the wonderful opportunity to change my schedule so I can pick him up from school every day. And my husband was able to be a little flexible during the morning hours to drop him off. Eliminating this social nightmare from his life has made quite a difference.
But I continue to make sure his voice is heard and his needs are met at school and other activities.

If that makes me“unfriendly” and “hostile”… So be it.

To assume or not to assume....

That is the question as I sit here on a plane for 5 hours. I am realizing that this is probably my biggest issue with communication breakdown. I am just going to come out and say it....I have been seeing a therapist. And you know what? I am not ashamed of it. I have come to understand that life is so hard sometimes. Sometimes it really helps to have an impartial view, someone who will listen. Rather than find fault, he helps me understand who I am and how I can improve my communication skills so I can have healthy relationships.

One thing he has lead me to see is that I assume a lot in my relationships, during conversations where emotions may run high, I will tend to read nonverbal cues or react to past experiences which bring back memories or feelings of hurt in the past. Rather than clarify what is happening in the conversation, I may react or jump to conclusions. I become a mind reader and immediately decide that the other person must be thinking and feeling the way I am interpreting. One of two things happen, I shut down or I lose my mind. It's really a roll of the dice.

After the discussion about how people tend to assume rather than ask clarifying questions, I started to notice how often I assume. I don't do it ALL the time. Sometimes I can step back and ask questions. But depending on the sensitivity of the situation or the relationship, sometimes it is easier to take step back where other times, I ride the wave of emotions and see where I end up. There have been many things happening in my life, in my relationships, where I have needed to retrain my brain. It is NOT easy. But, I have to say that it is easier to take that step back and try to ask questions, remind myself not to assume what another is thinking or feeling. Easier than having to go back and repair the damage I may have done as a result no matter if my assumptions were correct or not.

I have had many experiences that have reshaped my thought process throughout life. With experience in life, comes a lesson to be learned. I do appreciate all of the experiences I have. I recognize that those experiences have made me who I am. They have brought happiness, pain, joy, and sadness. But somedays I wish I could erase the memories of the feelings I have had at times because I do struggle with misinterpreting others as a result.

So as I communicate at work, in my family relationships, in my friendships I will try to ask myself, "I am assuming? Do I really know what he/she means? Are they really meaning to hurt me?". Usually not, and so far, I have a much easier time communicating my own feelings if I start to ask questions rather than react.

I do know there are many people out there who use manipulation and passive aggressiveness as a weapon in communication. I don't think that is a healthy way to build relationships and I try not to engage in it. I usually try to avoid those types of relationships altogether. But, at the end of the day I am responsible for me. I have to look in the mirror and feel good about what I have said or done over the course of the day. Some nights I lose sleep over how I may have responded to an email, text, or in a conversation. So I will continue in my quest of retraining my brain not to assume and to overcome those feelings of my past that cause me to react.

I am sure I am not the only one who struggles with this. Otherwise why would books be written about it? So just ask yourself "to assume or not?". Relationships may depend on it.

This is why I believe in Angels

I have struggled with faith and prayer for many, many years. Probably more years than most people realize. I try to be a positive person…although some days are harder than others. Hope has not come easily for me. But, I do believe that there is a power greater than all of us that can bring hope and peace. I feel that everyone has the right to give this “power” any name they feel is appropriate. I do not believe that anyone has the right to dictate what this “power” is. It is a very personal, very sacred thing for each and every one of us. I respect the beliefs of others in their personal “power”. I will gladly say a prayer for anyone who asks because I do feel it is important when supporting and loving others to help anyway I can. And just because I do not believe in the same philosophies and principles that others do, doesn’t mean that I cannot offer up a prayer for others. Just because my beliefs are different than others, does not mean that I cannot love and support in a way that is most important to the ones I care for most in this world.

With all the struggles I have had with my son recently, I have thought a great deal about this power and how to channel into it so I can find hope and peace. In my moments of worry and grief, the greatest amount of peace I have found is within this power. I still sit back on occasion and say a prayer when I am at a loss of where I can find the peace I need to give me strength to take a step forward. Life is about taking each step, one at a time. Sometimes, I am not sure I can take any more steps. And when I can’t, miraculously, Angels appear.

A few months ago, I was having one of these moments. I didn’t know what to do to make things better for myself. I felt lost in my own life. I didn’t know who I was…yet again. I thought “I’m 35 years old! How can I not know who I am?” I felt like I was failing as a parent. My son was struggling and I didn’t know what to do to help him. My family has felt the effects of the stress. My husband and I were arguing more often than not. I felt like I was on edge all the time. I felt very much alone, ashamed, and not-so-positive. One day when I wanted to just quit, that was the moment I prayed. I sat back, closed my eyes and breathed deeply. My prayer was simple, “please help me get through this.” That was all I said.

Since that time, there have been many small miracles happen in my life, brought by Angels. They are good people who genuinely want to help, who are selfless, have the ability to be supportive without expecting anything in return, or who chose professions simply because they wanted to be in environment where they could make a difference. I am fortunate enough to have all of those types appear in our lives. And I am certain that wasn’t by accident. I am sure there was a higher power involved that brought these good people into my life to help me with my challenges. And my very simple prayer helped me to recognize them and what they were trying to do.

There are so many bad things in this world that so many are reacting to the bad things; it becomes increasingly difficult to notice those things in life that are good and right. The bad things are so loud, so noticeable. The good things are quiet, unassuming, and tend to go unnoticed by most. But without those good things, good people how can any of us find hope and peace?

That power that we believe in, no matter what you name it, is found in every single one of us. I believe in Angels because I believe that the power within in each of us can give us the strength we need to be a support to someone else. If we let go of the fear and selfishness long enough to appreciate the strength we gain from others, it will also give us the ability to choose to be that strength for others when they need it the most. Most of the time we probably don’t even know when we are being that strength for others. My Angels probably have no clue that I have drawn my strength from them or the impact they have had on my life. They have helped me find that hope and peace by helping me find my next steps in my challenges. They have changed my life, my son’s life, and that is powerful. They helped me find a solid ground to stand on so I can feel confident in who I am, find resources that I need to get the answers I need, not only in relation to what is going on with Shane, but for the struggles I have had for myself as well.

I believe that good things aren’t just found in random acts of kindness. The random acts of kindness that seem to draw the most attention, broadcast on the news, and talked about among groups of people. The best things are found in people who are simply….good and kind to others.

I am inspired by these Angels to remember how important it is to be good and kind because I will never know how my influence may have an impact.

For those in my life who have carried me these past few months…Thank you for being my Angels.