I am unfriendly and hostile….

Part of being a working mom, is finding daycare. UGH. Of course no one will ever love your child the way you can. No one could possibly care of him the way you could. Try finding daycare for a child who has unseen special needs. Find one willing to work with a child who has a behavior disorder that many in society blame on “bad parenting”.

I once received a very ugly letter from a woman who claims to be an expert in childcare and early childhood education. My favorite quote from her letter was “You are unfriendly and hostile”. Of course there is quite some history that goes along to what led up to this point, but my strong will and passion as a mother was perceived as “unfriendly and hostile”. It would be nice if I could just be appreciated as a mother who wants to create a peaceful environment for her son. It would be nice to actually get the kind of childcare I was promised and told I could expect from her and her staff.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a no-nonsense person. I am straight to the point, I fight for what I believe is right with both fists, and I do not back down until I am heard. Even if I don’t win – I will be heard. I am a sales manager, working in a field dominated by men. My communication style is honest, direct, but diplomatic. I call a spade a spade. I can be tough when I need to be, but overall, I am fair and I can certainly accept when I am wrong (as I am a lot). Over the years I have learned to pick my battles and accept my losses. There was a time I would throw full blown tantrums to get things to go my way, but I have mellowed a bit and have learned to let go and be accepting of the outcome I receive.

When it comes to these battles, the mama bear claws do come out. I feel justified especially when I feel we are not being treated fairly or being heard. When you pay a caregiver to make sure your son is being cared for, I don’t think it is too much to ask that they listen to what I need since I am a paying customer and they essentially are working for me. However, I was told that they “should not have to come to me” or “track me down” if my son is having issues. They are “too busy to communicate with me at my convenience”, although they expect me to “fix” my child’s issues FOR them.

You would think in all their experience, all of the caregivers he has been with (8 different daycares in 7 years) they would have picked up on the possibility that he may have ADHD. Especially since children with ADHD start to show signs as early as 18 months. But it is not so easy when the disability your child has does not impact his physical capabilities. And I don’t mean to disrespect those who have special needs above and beyond what my son has; however, special needs children are not always obvious. Children who have special needs, such as Shane’s, are typically overlooked because he appears to not have a disability; he is healthy, strong, very smart, and very physically able. His caregivers have all missed the obvious signs. They continued to look to me to “fix his issues” without me being there to see the full picture. It’s a secret magic potion that other working mothers MUST have. I must have missed the memo on how to get some of that since every other working mom has the capability of “fixing” their children without being around during the course of the day to understand what the problems are. My “fix” is typically directed as his caregivers because they are the adults and I rely on them to help me understand what is going on and what needs to be done to help Shane. This doesn't usually go over very well.

He has been continuously targeted, which to me is bullying. I urge other parents to see these as red flags. I was too naïve to realize what was going on. If I had to do it over again, they would be dealing with a bull rather than a bear. At one time, he was watched by cameras from the classroom. There were times they would notice he was behaving in a matter which they felt was inappropriate or "dangerous" even though his teacher said most of his antics were related to “being a boy”. But even a poke or a a laugh would cause him to be immediately removed from the classroom because the director felt he was “bullyish and distruptive”. The smallest incident would erupt into an escalated tantrum (which is scary in itself) because she would yank him from the room (physically), isolate him from the children, yell at him when he wouldn’t give her the answers she wanted, interrogate him to find out what was going on in his mind, all which made him feel like there was something wrong with him. Other times, parents that have known us from other daycares have gone to the school’s before/after school to let them know that Shane “doesn’t belong there and if they aren’t careful, they will be held liable for any harm done to other children.” My son has never done anything malicious to hurt anyone, not even a fly. But since they were warned, he was again, targeted. And the kids like to push his buttons because he is that kid. He is the one the kids like to get in trouble - “Watch what happens when we make him mad! It’s so fun! And then HE gets in trouble! Such a great game!” … for them. All of these incidents have only traumatized my sweet little boy.

So, as I have tried to express these needs to his so-called caregivers over the years, I am often told “we don’t have time to meet his needs” or “we have other children we are concerned about, not just Shane” or “we do not have the staff capability to be able to give him that kind of attention”, even though every time I looked to enroll him in a new facility, I specifically sought out organizations that would be willing to work with us. It is amazing that they all claimed to be the ones to help him. I have tried to fight for my son, tried to be his voice, but it is frustrating when you are not heard. I can only imagine his frustration as he struggles with feelings and worries that are too big for his young mind to comprehend.

I still fight for him despite the name calling. Every time I get a call, every time I get an email (and there are many) my question to them is “and what are you going to do on your end to help change this situation?” I have been open about his needs, open about what I am doing to move down the path to get the resources I need as a parent. I always meet the school in the middle and support them 100%. But I also support my son 100%. I have had to be proactive, very firm, very vocal, and have shed quite a few tears in front of perfect strangers. At the same time, I have found wonderful people who have been there to help, extending assistance and advice. I would not have found these resources without them. So, as far as I am concerned, every fight will be worth the end result.

For now, we have quit daycare - altogether. I have no faith in any of them. I have had the wonderful opportunity to change my schedule so I can pick him up from school every day. And my husband was able to be a little flexible during the morning hours to drop him off. Eliminating this social nightmare from his life has made quite a difference.
But I continue to make sure his voice is heard and his needs are met at school and other activities.

If that makes me“unfriendly” and “hostile”… So be it.