What exactly does it mean to raise a child? Why do we have children? Why does the majority of the population feel compelled to reproduce and bring offspring into this world? Does anyone really know why or what it means?
When I was going through infertility I cried every day because I longed to have a child. I wanted to be pregnant, give birth. I wanted to raise a baby to a toddler, then to a child, teenager, and young adult. I wanted this so badly it hurt. I went through three years of tests and treatments only to get nothing out of it. Until one day by surprise, bam! I was pregnant and now living the dreams that I longed to have fulfilled. Every now and again I remember why I wanted this so badly. But most days, I ask myself, “Why am I doing this again??”
In the past 6 years, I have learned a few things about being a parent.
1. I will never get a full 8 hours of sleep again
2. It is them against me and sometimes I feel like I am in a Braveheart movie
3. Today will not last for very long so somehow I have to remember to enjoy the little moments because they go by so fast. Before I know it, my little boy will not worship the ground I walk on anymore. (tears!)
But at the end of the day, I sometimes sit back and wonder why I wanted to be a mom so bad and what does it mean to be a parent and raise children?
I had a child so I could pass on the wisdom that I have learned in life. I treat my stepchildren as my own children because I feel that I accepted responsibility to be a parent to those children when I married my husband. That is why I call myself a "parent" because no matter what your official "title" is when raising children, you are always a parent when you have children to raise.
Here are my thoughts which some may agree or disagree, but they are MY thoughts. In raising those three precious children I feel they are my contribution to society. They are my posterity, a reflection of who I am. It is what I can give to this world to make it a better place. My vision is that one day they will grow to be responsible adults. Graduate from high school and college, get wonderful, stable jobs, raise families, make me a grandmother, be kind to others, love one another and be good friends. I try to teach them to be respectful, thoughtful, and kind to those they come in contact with. Every rule and discipline in my home serves a purpose to teach them a value that I hope they will take with them in their life.
So what happens if they don’t? What happens if my children don’t take the values I have taught them into their adult lives and pass them on? What if they get older and realize that all I have taught them is not how they want to live? What if they do not become all that I hope they will become?
Those are a lot of “what if’s” that I have no control over. Because no matter what I teach them, there is a very important part of parenting that I must realize. Children come in contact with so many different people and environments that will impact them. I am not the only influence they have in their young lives. There are other people, television, movies, books, school teachers, church (for some), and so many other factors. All of these things play a part in what shapes our children as they grow.
So even though I may be teaching my own values to my children, there are so many more influences that I have no control over. Does that mean I should keep shelter them from these influences? I don’t think so and it isn’t possible. I fight for their childhood and innocence for as long as possible, which only means that I monitor the media that they are involved with to make sure it is age appropriate and not exposing them to adult issues that they should be protected from. However, I want them to experience all of the wonderful things that life has to offer. In fact, I think it would be more damaging to shelter them from the influences of the world because what will they do when they get older and have to handle the world on their own, without me to shelter them?
The more I think about it the more I realize that maybe it isn’t my job as a parent to create a person that replicates all of the things I believe in. Maybe it is my job to guide them through their own lives. Teach them how to handle all of the many, wonderful challenges that will teach them about who they are and what makes them happy. They are a combination of different genetics. Their personalities are different than mine. They have different thoughts and reactions to their environments than I do. I cannot possibly control the outcome of how they will turn out as adults just because I spend my parenting years teaching them all of the things I hold to be true. I cannot expect them to become exactly what I want them to be just because it is what I think is best for them. Maybe the best thing I can do as a parent is create a place of acceptance and love. Maybe it is better that I teach them that they can trust that I will love them no matter what choices they make in life or what paths they choose for themselves. Maybe it is more important that I give them a place free of judgment where they feel safe enough to discuss some of the most difficult things that people struggle with in life. Of course they need my guidance, rules, and discipline as they grow because that is the real world. But, maybe what I envisioned parenting to be is different than what it truly is.
As I continue to ramble through my thoughts, I can’t help but go take a step further, I think the important questions to ask is, “do I want them to be happy?” and “am I prepared to support them in whatever life they choose will bring them the happiness they seek?”
Most fearfully, I wonder, “Will I feel like a failure if my children do not become exactly as I envision they will become?”
But I remind myself, I love my children. Ultimately, I want to teach them how to love and be loved. I want them to be able to trust people and not fear the world. I want them to feel comfortable in taking risks, asking difficult questions of themselves and others. I want them to feel free to make decisions that may have positive or negative consequences without fear that they will not be loved by those closest to them. Most importantly, I do want them to be happy. I want them to experience joy in its truest sense. But this means that they will need to feel disappointment and hurt in order to really understand joy. This is the hardest part of parenting because I do not like to see my children hurt, but I do know it is part of learning. And if these are the things I am able to teach them, I don't think I will have failed as a parent.
I don’t know that I really answered my own questions, created more questions, or just typed up a rambling of my thoughts that really came to no conclusion. If anything comes of this blog, it is that I have learned one more thing about being a parent:
4. I will learn more from raising my children then they will probably ever learn from me.
That is probably MY truest reason for becoming a parent.
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