To assume or not to assume....

That is the question as I sit here on a plane for 5 hours. I am realizing that this is probably my biggest issue with communication breakdown. I am just going to come out and say it....I have been seeing a therapist. And you know what? I am not ashamed of it. I have come to understand that life is so hard sometimes. Sometimes it really helps to have an impartial view, someone who will listen. Rather than find fault, he helps me understand who I am and how I can improve my communication skills so I can have healthy relationships.

One thing he has lead me to see is that I assume a lot in my relationships, during conversations where emotions may run high, I will tend to read nonverbal cues or react to past experiences which bring back memories or feelings of hurt in the past. Rather than clarify what is happening in the conversation, I may react or jump to conclusions. I become a mind reader and immediately decide that the other person must be thinking and feeling the way I am interpreting. One of two things happen, I shut down or I lose my mind. It's really a roll of the dice.

After the discussion about how people tend to assume rather than ask clarifying questions, I started to notice how often I assume. I don't do it ALL the time. Sometimes I can step back and ask questions. But depending on the sensitivity of the situation or the relationship, sometimes it is easier to take step back where other times, I ride the wave of emotions and see where I end up. There have been many things happening in my life, in my relationships, where I have needed to retrain my brain. It is NOT easy. But, I have to say that it is easier to take that step back and try to ask questions, remind myself not to assume what another is thinking or feeling. Easier than having to go back and repair the damage I may have done as a result no matter if my assumptions were correct or not.

I have had many experiences that have reshaped my thought process throughout life. With experience in life, comes a lesson to be learned. I do appreciate all of the experiences I have. I recognize that those experiences have made me who I am. They have brought happiness, pain, joy, and sadness. But somedays I wish I could erase the memories of the feelings I have had at times because I do struggle with misinterpreting others as a result.

So as I communicate at work, in my family relationships, in my friendships I will try to ask myself, "I am assuming? Do I really know what he/she means? Are they really meaning to hurt me?". Usually not, and so far, I have a much easier time communicating my own feelings if I start to ask questions rather than react.

I do know there are many people out there who use manipulation and passive aggressiveness as a weapon in communication. I don't think that is a healthy way to build relationships and I try not to engage in it. I usually try to avoid those types of relationships altogether. But, at the end of the day I am responsible for me. I have to look in the mirror and feel good about what I have said or done over the course of the day. Some nights I lose sleep over how I may have responded to an email, text, or in a conversation. So I will continue in my quest of retraining my brain not to assume and to overcome those feelings of my past that cause me to react.

I am sure I am not the only one who struggles with this. Otherwise why would books be written about it? So just ask yourself "to assume or not?". Relationships may depend on it.