Let the Trial and Error of Medication Begin

Thursday I was able to finally meet with a psychiatrist with Shane.

The first question he asks me…. “Are you open to medication?”

This was the moment I have been hoping for in the past month or two. I feel like I have done everything I can to help Shane. Although there are improvements, he is still struggling every day. What hurts my heart the most is watching his self-esteem deteriorate.

Yet, as the psychiatrist asked me that question, "Are you open to medication", the last 6 years flashed through my mind. It’s amazing how long a second of thoughts takes to go through your mind.

I thought of my sweet baby boy and all of his daily struggles. I thought of the 7 daycares that we have had to leave. All of the phone calls from his caregivers that have had no idea what to do. My baby’s many tears of hurt and frustration as he has tried so hard to learn how to live day after day, feeling like he has no control over what he does and doesn’t do. I thought of the parenting books I have read over the years, therapists I have seen, and discussion after discussion to find answers. My own frustration and losing my patience so often because I am at a loss in how to raise this boy.

All of a sudden, I felt like a failure. I felt like I was giving up and had lost all confidence in myself to help my son. For a split second, I wanted to say “no, I don’t want to do medication! I can do this!”

Then, reality set in. The last 6 years have been so hard. Admitting I need help, is not a weakness. I took a deep breath and pushed those feelings and thoughts out. I remembered that this is just the next step in what needs to happen to help him. I reminded myself that I have done everything I can do and this is where I need to let go. None of that is easy for me. But, as I exhaled, I said to him “Yes, I am open to medication.”

Then the overwhelming information came flooding in, which diagnosis to treat first. Shane has ADHD and Anxiety. His anxiety is more than likely caused as a result from the years of being disciplined for his behavior issues rather than treating the ADHD. So, we felt it was best to treat the ADHD first.  The anxiety did not seem to be the primary issue, but a result of the many years of struggling with controlling the behavior.  The big concern was if the stimulants of the ADHD medication would increase his anxiety levels or if the anxiety would be controlled in managing the chemical imbalance n the frontal lobe that causes the ADHD.  I opted for going right for the root.  We can always make changes down the road, but I have always been a believer to treat the root, not just the symptoms.  So we have begun the trial and error process of medication. It is not a perfect process, nor will I know what is most effective until we start to see results, positive or negative. Time to gather all of the patience I can find and get ready for the ride.


After our conversation, I continued to drift off into my memories of the years of struggles.  It broke my heart to think that in all those years, I contributed to his anxiety. My lack of knowledge only aggravated his condition and made his life that much harder.  It nearly brought me to tears.  I realized however, I cannot think of that. I truly feel I am on the right track now. My past mistakes are just that - my past.  He is still so young and so capable of many things in his life. There is so much hope that I have to be grateful that we are here now. Even though I have those regrets, I have to let them go and realize that we are doing the right things now.
Parenting is already a guessing game. But, raising Shane has been far more than a guessing game. It is more like a gigantic maze in which you cannot see if you are going in the right direction until you hit a wall and have to turn around to try a different direction. I can’t go back the way I came, I just have to move forward in order to find the end. And just for the record – I am terrible at mazes. Raising Tyler and Bailey has had its challenges. But comparatively, their challenges are pretty text book as far as childrearing is concerned. Shane’s challenges have left us bewildered at times. But at the same time, he has taught me far more about me and about life, than any other experience I have ever had.

So, I'm ready to keep moving forward.  Ready for the next wall I run into during the course of this maze that may take me in a new direction.