Closing a door...

Well, this week has been very crazy and emotionally wearing on me. Last week, I was "late" and so I started to think that I might be pregnant. Many people don't know this, but Troy and I decided last February that we would like to open up the possibility of having a baby together. We have the "his" and "hers", but we wanted an "ours". So, we decided to give it a try to see what would happen. We took the attitude of "if it's meant to be, it will be" and sat back to see if it would "be". Here we are, 18 months later, still nothing to show for it. So, I have started to prepare myself for the worst; that my child bearing days were just that - "days" and not "years". Last week when I thought I might be pregnant, I was so afraid to hope that it could be true. I have the odds against me. Years ago, when I went through infertility, I would have that hope, month after month, for 3 years that it was the month that I would see that little pink line. Every month, I was terribly disappointed. I think I have a better chance at winning the lottery than actually getting pregnant. This week, I relived that experience and it was heartbreaking for me. For some reason, this month was worse than the last 18 months. Deep down I knew that if it didn't happen this time, that I was done. So, when it turned out that I wasn't pregnant after all, I was crushed. When the little pink line didn't appear (again), I was crushed. I had to hold myself together enough to get through work and home and family. In the back of my mind, I knew it was over. I just needed to find the words to express to Troy how I felt. By Tuesday, I said it, I told him that I was done. It hurts too much, and honestly, we have a good life, we will be debt-free in about 3 years and having a baby would just be so hard on us. Troy agreed and it was done. I am still scratching my head and wondering how on earth I got pregnant with Shane. He is my miracle and it is even more apparant now that he was meant to be. Knowing now that he is the only baby I will have, that he is the only child I will have raised from birth to adulthood, makes me wish I had appreciated those moments more. I am grateful that I get to be part of Tyler and Bailey's lives. That truly is a blessing for me. But the bond between a mother and child is very different than the bond between a stepmother and children. It is very difficult to explain. As much as I love them, they have a bond with their own mother that cannot be replaced. So, I will always be Shane's mom and I am okay with that. It will always hurt that I was never able to have more, but maybe one day I will get to enjoy grandchildren. For now, I know I can be happy with what I have and I am grateful to have a husband who can support me this time I am dealing with this. He was wonderful and tried to be understanding. I am sure he isn't aware of how much I appreciate how he handled the situation. I also appreciate that he let me try to have another child. I know that I had to at least try to have one more. I couldn't go through life thinking that I could have had one more, if I had tried. Now I know. I am so thankful that God gave me Shane so I could experience all of the joys of motherhood with a child of my own.