Closing the door... Permanently

Last year I entered a blog about my decision to let go of the possibility of having more children, accepting that it just wasn't going to happen for me again. Well, of course that was a solid decision but certainly not permanent.

I have been having some health issues over the past 2 years. Health issues that resurfaced from the last time I faced infertility. I pretty much realized that they were all related which was why I made the decision not to have any more children. I hoped that maybe by making that decision everything would go back to normal.

Nothing is back to normal and in fact, the problems have just become worse. It is to the point now where I experience pain and/or discomfort on some level on a daily basis. I came to the realization that it was possible that one of the causes for my infertility had returned and decided to see the ob/gyn. We Discussed my history and my options, and scheduled tests.

She also asked me if I planned on having anymore children. I told her I wasn't sure. She told me that I had to make a decision because that would determine my course of treatment. That night, as Troy and I talked about it, the answer was so obvious. The reasons why we shouldn't far outweighed my reasons to. Economically and financially, it just doesn't make sense to start all over again with a new baby. Emotionally, I just didn't feel like I had enjoyed Shane enough when he was a baby. All of my parental regrets came to the surface and my heart told me that if I had another baby, it would be a second chance for me. But again, emotionally, there is never a gauruntee that another baby was even phyically possible. So, for once I bypassed my heart and listened to my head. Reason took over and I finally said outloud that I did not think it was a good idea for us to try to have anymore children. I then told Troy that I wanted to include a tubal ligation in my surgery in order to permenantly close any opportunities and remove all hope from ever having another. I decided it is time for me to move on with my life and accept that the family I have now is the family I was meant to have. I was heartbroken. I cried - which apparently is very confusing for men to understand. His question was that if I feel like I made the right decision, why was I crying? I just explained that I was sad. Sometimes, the right decision isn't always easy. This is the hardest decision I have ever made.

I had an ultrasound and labs in the past few days. Today the doctor called and confirmed that my endometriosis had more than likely returned. I have a cyst on one of my ovaries, that is not filled with fluid, but is more than likely the result of the endometriosis. She felt surgery was the way to go and at that point I told her that I also wanted to have my tubes tied while she was taking care of the endometriosis. Seems appropriate to just kill two birds with one stone. She asked if I was sure, that this was permanent. I told her I was certain.

When I hung up, I began to cry again. I just spent some time with my sisters and their families. They each have little girls that look exactly like them. My stepdaughter, as wonderful as she is and as fortunate as I am to have her in my life, has a mother of her own. Her and I have our own special relationship, but there is something about a mother and a daughter that is also special. Watching my sisters with their little girls made me realize that I will never have that. I called Troy after I spoke to the doctor and could only sit on the phone and cry. Again, it was hard for him to understand. I still told him it is the right decision but I am sad. He said the best thing he could, "I'm here for whatever you need, I won't try to fix it, but I am here." It was probably the best response anyone could have given me. I was able to pull myself together and get through the rest of my day.

I'm sure every parent goes through this once they decide they are done having children. But, this is a bit different. And like I said, I am sad, but at the same time a weight is lifted off of me knowing that I won't have to continue to wonder every month if this is the month, if maybe by some miracle I would get pregnant again. I am so grateful for the one chance I did have to experience pregnancy, childbirth, and having a baby of my own. I wouldn't trade it for anything. He is my miracle. I know there are so many other women out there that don't even get to experience what I have and my heart truly goes out to them. I wish I could help them.

Now, I will look forward to enjoying better health once my surgery is complete. I have many other things to look forward to and I am glad I will finally have this closure so I can move on with my life and enjoy every precious minute I have with my family.